Where did they go?

She’s at a friend’s house right now. It’s not too often I have time like this to myself, but as usual, I have to leave in a few minutes to do something. I need to help a dear friend who is facing a health challenge. Though I often feel like I run around too much, I do not resent this. I want to be there. I don’t mind being there for something that’s important to me.

What I do resent is the draw on my time by the toxic Ex, the narcissist I was so attracted and attached to at one time, and who I now can’t get far enough away from. It’s not that he asks to spend time with me anymore…only intermittently. It’s just that our interactions are very draining to me, and I never know if he’s going to “act up” or if it will be my lucky day and all will be civil and fine. And then by his choices regarding our DD, he winds up making so much more work for me…or sabotages what I’ve already done.

Because he has no real regard for reality or truth, I never know what I might get accused of or what shape the latest twisting of facts will take. I suppose I could make a game of it…you know, a predicting game, but I’ve never been a big fan of games. So, why then was I so attracted to such a player?

Well, I supposed I could pick out some reasons, but I swear, sometimes I just wonder where my brains went.

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About PhoenixRising

Singer/songwriter, human rights activist and author of the book series and podcast, "Where There's Smoke: Covert Abuse". Demian Yumei's creative focus is on reclaiming your dream and healing the wounds that prevent that. Her artist activist site: keepingthedream.com
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2 Responses to Where did they go?

  1. ChildOfNarcissism says:

    I just found this blog today. 3/24/2008. What an eye-opener. At the age of 47, I realize now, only now, what has happened to me. This blog has been a Godsend, and I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be reading this material.

    I was raised by a NPD. He scores 9 out of 9 on the test.

    My god, what I have gone through! And I thought this was ‘normal’. Now I understand so much. And I have so much healing to do, I don’t even know where to start. But I now know to start.

    Worse yet, I’m afraid I’ve picked up on some of these NPD attributes. Have I become this creature? Have I hurt my family? I have to face up to the fact that 1) I have been damaged by a NPD father, and 2) I may have passed at least some of this type of pain onto my own family.

    Lord help me.

    Keep this up. If one NPD picks up on this and see’s themself, if only for a moment, as the monster they are then maybe there’s hope.

    You asked, “where my brains went”. Where did mine go? Maybe another question to ask is, what horrible thing did we do to ourselves to compensate for these narcissists, and can we heal?

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi ChildofNarcissism,

    Thank you for your thoughtful response and the questions you so courageously ask. I’m sorry it took me so long to even discover I had your comment waiting for approval.

    That you are asking these questions is a huge testament to who you are as a person. I’m glad our paths have crossed.

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