Throw Him a Parade…

No, really. He truly thinks he deserves one. If he does something remotely responsible, fulfills some small part of his parental duty, does the very least he can do, but takes some effort doing it, then he really believes he should receive recognition and praise – from me!

This man pays no child support, contributes nothing financially or time wise to his child’s education, doesn’t even contribute to the care of his child’s animals, not even when they are with him (I send the food), but he transports his kid to school one week and actually brings it my attention, telling me how much it cost him in gas and time, fully expecting me to thank him and tell him how wonderful he is and just marvel at his sacrifice!

No lie. He even tried to put the words into my mouth.

You think…you just think that after all this time, I would not be amazed. But I am.

What’s sad is that it’s not even nerve. It’s the way he is. It’s how he perceives life, looks at the world – all from his egocentric viewpoint, where every little thing he does has monumental significance, because he’s so grand and it’s all about him.

And if other people have to sacrifice or invest more or absorb his deficits or cover what he doesn’t, well, that’s just as it should be. Because the only sacrifice worth acknowledging are his, no matter how minute, and no one else matters.

If you could have seen how much he needed me to say what a good job he had done transporting her for her education, as if that was above and beyond anything any normal parent would have done…

It wasn’t about acknowledging someone else’s contribution. Everyone likes that. He was clearly put out, and he wanted me to know that and to be grateful for him doing it anyway.

Throw him a parade…and toss me a barf bag.

Sorry, for appearing bitter. Actually I’m not. Just tired. Because he bleeds me dry financially and psychologically (though not as much anymore with the latter, for I’ve learned to protect myself). But the finances is huge. And then he wants me to throw him a parade for stepping up in this one area.

Not amused, but I want to laugh.

And how can you share a joke better than with someone who understands – you, who have ventured onto this blog with your own tales of incredulity big and small?

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About PhoenixRising

Singer/songwriter, human rights activist and author of the book series and podcast, “Where There’s Smoke: Covert Abuse”. Demian Yumei’s creative focus is on reclaiming your dream and healing the wounds that prevent that. Her artist activist site:

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4 Responses to Throw Him a Parade…

  1. Rae says:

    Oh, Phoenix, I get it. I’m sorry. Responsibilities belong to other people. Accolades belong to them.

    They suck the life right out of you while they wait for you to thank them for it. Fail and you’re the bad guy.

    You have every right to be bitter, even if you aren’t about it this time.

    When we hit these, I just look at him and think, “You want a cookie?” So needy and childlike, as though he’s a toddler who wants his reward for using the potty. And, really, he very much is like a child looking for the reward. He expects it; he needs it; and he is going to have one mother of a tantrum if he doesn’t get it.

    For every little thing he manages to do, there must be praise. It doesn’t matter if I do it all the time. HE did it this time and he is entitled to his cookie.

    Boo hoo.

    Empathy plus accountability is my mantra. I understand he wants his cookie. In fact, I probably understand why he wants it better than he does. However, that does not make cookie distribution my job.

    Sometimes, when he’s really pining for that cookie, I do what his mother should have done. I acknowledge his accomplishment, without a reward. “Yes. You did bring our child to school on Monday.” “Yes. You did pay child support today.” “Yes. You did buy an accessory for the Halloween costume.” One of these days, I am going to follow up and ask him if he wants a cookie.

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    “Do you want a cookie?” RMAOL!

    Oh my gosh, Rae, that is SO funny, but so right on. You nailed it. It is just like a toddler who wants a reward for using the potty.

    I did the same thing – acknowledged his accomplishment without rewarding him with extra praise. That usually works, but this time that’s when he started fishing, and actually pointed to himself and said, “Good ________(insert his name)”.

    I almost barfed I was so repulsed. But I put on my forced smile and focused super human strength on my eyeball muscles, forcing them not to roll, while I simply reaffirmed yes, he had taken her to school.

    But I think he only heard the “yes” part of the phrase, because he got that satisfied look on his face, as if his assertion had just been validated by me.

    I wanted to scream.

    I guess it’s okay to be bitter as long as you can turn it into sardonic humor.

    Thanks for the laugh, Rae and the spot on truth of your comment. 🙂

  3. Pingback: Parenting with a Narcissist » I feel so sorry for her

  4. Stephanie787 says:

    I found your blog while looking for a new perspective on Narcissism other than from a clinical view point. My mother is severely narcissistic and I am her daughter. I’ve only read a handful of your posts and I don’t know how old your child is, but not only will your ex seek entitlement and praise from you, but one day he’ll seek it from your child (if he isn’t already).

    I can relate to your experience, because my mother expects the same parade for performing similar minute responsibilities that the average parent would do without question. I guess when a person is so focused on themselves and their needs that when they budge an inch in the direction of another to them it is some monumental accomplishment. My oh my how thankful we should be that they took time out of their day to budget someone else’s needs into it other than their own.

    In my experience there is no right or wrong way to react to them. It’s a lose lose situation at the end of the day and any gain is momentary.

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