By PhoenixRising

It’s hard when you finally realize what you’re dealing with, traumatic even.

It’s easy to fall into a kind of self recriminating despair, when you realize just what kind of a person you had a child with and to whom you are sending your child when it’s their “turn” to have them.

I hear it all the time. I see it online and in personal conversations – regret. It’s a demon all of us who are in this seemingly sinking boat have to wrestle with. If only we hadn’t…picked this guy or gal to be with, to have children with, to stay with, to fight for.

If only we had picked a better parent – hell, just someone who was a regular human being, someone who had the potential and willingness to work on parenting skills. Not talking about perfection here.

And we’re right! Life would be better. Life is always better without the twisted energies of narcissism.


You know what? You just have to focus on the positive. Really. If you’re going to be any good to that precious child, those precious children, you better.

What’s done is done, and here you are, and this is what you have to deal with. So what are you going to do?

First, be grateful and be glad. Because the fact that you can even see this ugly picture is the reason you’re going to make it. Your denial and confusion was your narcissist’s greatest ally. Knowledge and awareness is yours.

It’s the reason you are going to minimize the negative impact on yourself and your children. It’s the reason you’re going to turn whatever negative impact there is around and enable your children to turn that impact around into something that will work for them and strengthen your relationship with each other in the process.

No matter how long it takes…

Remember that. Hold on to that. There will be some days it’s all you’ll have.

No, it’s not a pretty picture. But without the blinders and with the fog lifting from countless gaslighting and deception, you are armed with what narcissists fear the most – a clear view.

You are no longer blind. Makes you a harder target and a better protector for both you and your children. You’re a parent on a mission, not crazy, no longer traveling in circles.

Let your vision help you to see your way. You got a long road to travel. Travel light.

Leave your regrets behind with the delusions of what you once thought you had. Neither serve you well.

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About PhoenixRising

Singer/songwriter, human rights activist and author of the book series and podcast, "Where There's Smoke: Covert Abuse". Demian Yumei's creative focus is on reclaiming your dream and healing the wounds that prevent that. Her artist activist site:
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2 Responses to Regrets

  1. Survivor says:

    The healing process takes some time. My greatest concern is the emotional impact the ex has on the children.Their basic needs are not always met because the ex feels the child support money is his personal bank account. Of course, he never crosses the legal line, so the children are left hurting. I have realized that I do what I can and take care of them when I can. The only thing I can say is the legal system is horrible.

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi Survivor. Yes, you’re right. The healing process does take some time, and when you have children, it’s especially an ongoing process, when they’re continually being hurt.

    I’ve heard the same thing about the legal system. So sorry you’ve had to go through it.

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