Soon!

Today I leave to get her! I’m so excited 🙂

It’s so hard to drop her off. I know she needs me. In many ways I need her. There’s so much I would not do for me, so many times I would have given up and just laid down and die.

The losses of being with a narcissist are great, and the longer you remain the higher the price. Over a decade of my life…and with this one! There have been other lesser narcissists, or perhaps it seems they were lesser because the cost didn’t include my relationship with my children.

But I know there are many women who have hung on for two, three and more decades to one blood sucking life draining narcissist, hoping for a change or losing all hope altogether, in even themselves.

But I know I have to do my best to give her a better chance. To help her to define, to recognize and to know always, that she deserves better. To really know that, not just mouth the words like me.

In a few moments, I will see that light in her eye when she sees me. She will try to refrain herself from being “too” joyous, but she does not always succeed. Nonetheless, when we drive out of sight, that’s when she will let out a victory yell! “We’re together!”

And I burst out laughing unable to contain myself at her joy.

Why Does He Do This?

Why can’t he just say he’s changed his mind? Or he feels differently about something? Instead, he just makes up a scenario and acts as if it were truth – and expects you to accept his premise, not matter how off the mark it is.

He will totally rewrite the past to suit his needs. Doesn’t matter if the two of you had discussed and agreed upon something. If he wants it to be different, then the next time you see him it will be different. And if that disorients the hell out of you, so much the better for the narcissist.

For instance, yesterday, I told him I would add to her curriculum tomorrow and would tutor dd for three hours today, instead of the one and a half hours. I told him this would enable him to not have to turn around so quickly to drive back into town and pick her up. He had expressed wanting that last week, so he was pleased I “gave in” this week. Actually, this decision was based on what was best for dd, but I don’t care what he thinks. If it makes it easier for me to teach my dd, then so be it.

So anyway, he was fine with this arrangement yesterday.

But this morning, when I met him at the library, he had a book in hand and stated he was going to go in with us, since I was only going to be teaching her an hour…Right?

Huh?

A Hard Day

I was at a friend’s house all day after dd went with her father. I needed the support.

Somehow it’s harder for me knowing she’s with her dad, now that we’ve actually spoken with a counselor about it. Maybe, in some way it’s made the abuse all that much more official…if that makes sense.

Anyway, she did tell me she feels better. She said it yesterday and she said it today, although I did see her take several deep breaths as we got closer to our meeting place.

She’s so brave. After she was gone, I almost started screaming. It’s repulsive to me to think of her in the company of someone so toxic.

I’ll make it. We both will. We have to. Anything less is unacceptable.

Just got back from initial counseling

It was great. Dd just started to open up and started talking about a lot of things that bothered her. There was no coherent form. She just went from one topic to another. She did bring up her anger toward her father and that what he did was child abuse. When asked why she said that, she mentioned how nice he was to her in public, but not in private. This really bothers her.

After we had left, dd said “I think I’m going to change.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve kept this inside of me for so long, and now I’m letting it out. I’m telling someone who wasn’t there. You were there, but I need to tell someone who wasn’t there.”

She’s so wise.

This is a special place, where their main focus is on death and grief, but she qualifies for that having lost her dear aunt three years ago, and being so close to her cousin, plus other life changing happenings.

Today was an initial meeting to enroll her in their special program which will run in the fall. There, she will have a really good support group, where she will meet others her age who have suffered similar loss. The counselor said most lost their parents, but some have lost other family members, some have lost pets and she will make sure dd is in the same group as someone who has lost a loved one to cancer, as that is how her aunt died.

No doubt in my mind, she will extend herself to them and be very nurturing. That’s her way.

It’s not a weakness. It’s a strength, but the counselors are aware enough to make sure she allows herself to be nurtured, as well.

I’ll have to depend on her father to bring her to some sessions, although I will attend the adult session that runs concurrently in another room. He can just drop her off. I don’t expect him to not object or complain. He will see it as an inconvenience to him and an intrusion to his assertion that “I want to spend time with her”, with very little if any regard as to what’s in her best interest, but I’ll make it work.

Plus, as long as it doesn’t reflect on him – God forbid anyone think he’s not a good parent – then it should be okay. All he needs to think is this is about her aunt. There’s no way he’d ever take her to anyplace so she could express her anger about him!

Her one on one session will be without his knowing. She needs to have this. He’s so contemptuous about therapy and people who use it, that I don’t need him to give her a hard time about it.

The counselor was able to give dd the assurance of confidentiality.

In a way, this is war. I need to tip the balance of validation/invalidation into predominate validation. My word carries more weight than his, but it’s not enough. It’s getting rougher as she gets older. It’s time to call out the “big guns”. Having an objective authority validate her right to her feelings and hearing her is the kind of support she needs now.

And she doesn’t need to be berated for it.

“I want other people to know this is child abuse”

She’s starting to tell her friends. I Know she had mentioned it once or twice before, but it seems she’s doing it more often now. I’m not so scared for her if she sticks with the children from my circle of friends, but what about when she tells the children of his friends? Will this get back to him? I shudder to think what it could be like for her if he were to find out that she was “making him look like a bad father”.

Some of the most abusive vocal tirades I’ve received from him came when an innocuous remark I made was twisted through his filters to be a judgment against him as a father. You can’t make a comment about an specific action or behavior without him hearing it as a personal indictment against him, and then watch out!

I understand how frustrating this is for her. The hypocrisy is so hard to take, especially when you’re aware.

For me, I used to think, “Oh, this is the real guy. This is the real him, the one I fell in love with.” I just didn’t get that the Mr. Hyde side was the real him and the honeymoon guy was the illusion.

But she sees through that. It makes her mad when he’s so nice to her in front of others. She is able to call it for what it is, and she really resents being used as a prop in his “good father” facade.

So what does she do with that? At a birthday party the other day, she told the Mom of a guest. This woman is very nice, very approachable and dd has met her on several occasions before. But she felt compelled to share this with her. The mother didn’t tell me, but dd did. And she said it made her feel really good to be heard. She said, “She’s like another you!”

At a more recent function at her dad’s friend’s house, dd told me she told the friend’s child what her father did to her was child abuse. The girl asked her what did she mean, so dd told her how he’s so nice in front of others, but he’s mean to her alone and gave her examples. Dd has been friends with her for years and I’m friends with her mother, so I’m not that worried about it getting back to her father, but…

This is why I want her to go into therapy, but I need to make sure the people she talks understand narcissistic personality disorder. If they think it’s just communication skills, if they take it on face value that, as her father, he would want to know and make things right, they will set her up for horrific abuse. I don’t know that he would get physically violent, but I do know that he would tear her into a million pieces emotionally and psychologically.

Dd knows this. She told me she’s concerned about talking to a counselor. She said that’s why she talks to her friends, because she knows them and can trust them not to tell her dad.

This is a fine line she’s walking. If anyone needs to talk to a counselor, it’s me. I need some feedback on this…