Invitation for Authors

Okay, I believe there’s a REAL need for this blog, but I can’t bring myself to post every day. I’ve thought about just taking this blog off the internet, but I know within my heart of hearts there are mothers out there, and fathers, who really need something like this.

And I need it.

But sometimes, it’s just so hard for me to write here and even read what I’ve written, and then again, I feel like I’m sticking my neck out.

Then I get a comment or two, and I’m inspired, and I no longer feel quite like a doe standing out in the middle of a field in hunting season.

So here’s the thing. I’m opening this blog up for other authors to post. This way you don’t have to wait for me to make a post. You can just make a post on your own. Anyone who has made at least one comment can send me an email stating your interest in being one of the authors of this blog.

mommawolf07 AT gmail.com

Then I’ll grant you posting permission, but to start off I’ll have to preview those. Just want to make sure an angry narcissist doesn’t come here trying to post something nasty. But once I know you, no monitoring will be necessary.

So, PLEASE, step up. I think we can be a real resource for each other. Let’s face it. Being involved with a narcissist is a lonely venture. Raising children with one is even more so.

If you like this post, please support my work - Demian on Patreon

About PhoenixRising

Singer/songwriter, human rights activist and author of the book series and podcast, “Where There’s Smoke: Covert Abuse”. Demian Yumei’s creative focus is on reclaiming your dream and healing the wounds that prevent that. Her artist activist site: keepingthedream.com

Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Invitation for Authors

  1. emerson says:

    Hello,

    I am new to this site. I have been struggling(understatement of the year!) with a Narcissist for 2 years trying to raise my daughter. Everytime I read any literature on it, I feel like I am reading my story. I left my ex when my daughter was 6 weeks old.

    I watched the way he treated his 10 year old son from a previous relationship and just knew in my gut that something wasn’t right. There was no love, he claimed he would “do anything for his kid”, yet spent no time with him or even asked how his day was. It was almost like he was an object, not a child with feelings, and it showed in his son’s demeanor. This child has grown into someone with no opinion or emotion. The life has been sucked out of this child at 10 years old. I knew I couldn’t have my daughter raised like that.

    When I left him, I had NO idea what I was in for. It has been 2 years of fighting in the courts and cost me over $50,000 to prove that “something isn’t right” with this man. He has not backed down for a minute and has tried to destroy me every way possible. For a long time, I thought I was going crazy. I felt paranoid (looking back for good reason), but I knew for my child’s sake, I needed to keep fighting. But fighting a narcissist is not easy. It bleeds you of every once of strength you have.

    Recently, I have started seeing someone(keep in mind we have been split up for 2 years). When my ex found out he spun completely out of control and said “how could you do this to me?” This was shocking to me, that he wasn’t at all concerned about his daughter and who might be in contact with her, rather, how could I flaunt that fact I had a new boyfriend in front of him! It was all about him in his eyes!

    I think the most frusterating part of dealing with a narcissist as a “normal” person, is that after dealing with his antics for 2 years, I still can’t believe i cannot appeal to his conscience or have a productive conversation with him. It is like going around in circles. I am hoping to get some insight from this site of how to parent with someone like this. I have obtained sole custody of my daughter, but he still has visitation 2x a week.

    I know he is coaching her to say things to me like “mommy bad” and I cannot control what happens when she is in his care, but I need some help with “damage control” when she comes home. I need to be able to be the best parent I can to difuse the damage he may be doing while she is in his care. any help, advice, or simply sharing of stories would be greatly appreciated!

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi Emerson,

    I put some paragraphs in your comment to make it easier to read. I didn’t change a word.

    First, I want to say welcome. Second, how old is your daughter now? She’s a toddler, right?

    I think it’s fantastic you got full custody, but hard that he has the opportunity to attempt to influence her twice a week.

    While she’s still young and easy to pick up and move around, she will be very attractive to him. As she gets older and starts to become her own person, then things will change.

    The most important thing you can do is to be an authentic voice to her. You say for the longest time you felt like you were going crazy. But finding out there were others going through what you were or dealing with the same kind of behavior gave you a sense of sanity, right?

    You need to do that for your kids. That’s the most important thing the non-narcissist parent can do.

    You say he coaches her to say things like “mommy bad”. Does she actually say it to you?

    If she’s only two or three years old, I’d make light of it, at this point. I’d almost make a game of it, and give her a big hug and say “Oh, yeah?” Or something like that. Is there any emotion behind it? Does she say it when she’s mad? If so, then I’d address her feelings and then help her find a way to express them. I wouldn’t focus too much on his manipulation at this point.

    Sounds like to me, your EX will attempt this kind of stuff for a while. It’s a way to engage you, again. If he can piss you off through her, you will give him the validation through being angry at him that you still care.

    Twisted I know, but control is control. If they can’t control you through love, they’ll do it through anger and hate. Think twice before giving him that.

    I’m so sorry to hear about his boy. Narcissists do suck the life out of everyone close to them, as you well know.

    As far as appealing to his conscience, you can’t appeal to something that’s not there. And of course, he thinks it’s all about him! Isn’t it? Just ask him. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. emerson says:

    thank you!
    My daughter is 2 years old now. I watch her and she loves going to see “her daddy”. I’m not gonna lie, it makes me sick, but I know its not her fault and she doesn’t need to feel how much hate there is between us. You are right, he certainly turns on the charm and acts like there is nothing else in his world but “his kids”.

    Too bad his son now wants nothing to do with him. His son was living with him fulltime because his mother “gave up fighting”. He is now 12 years old and wants to live with his mother. My ex has told him he will never see his sister(my daughter) again if he lives with his mother (completely untrue). He has told his son to forget I ever exsisted and to never mention my name. My heart breaks for this poor boy.

    My daughter does come home and say “bad mommy” and hit me. I respond with “no, good mommy and good Emmie and good Ledoux(the dog)” she also says “MY DAD, i want MY DAD” with such a forceful tone, it sounds just like him, its scary. I realize this is his last form of control, he didn’t win by threatening me and stalking me, he didn’t win in the courts, and now his 4th lawyer has fired him because of his crazy antics, he cannot continue to financially bury me with legal costs. All he has left is to get to me through my daughter. I am educating myself as much as possible and documenting and will provide the most stable, loving home I can for my daughter. My hope is that one day, she will have the same feeling I had with him. The feeling that what he says and what his actions are, are two different things and they don’t make sense. The feeling that this isn’t a “loving environment”, and will choose not to have him in her life because it is not healthy for her. I cannot coach her into making that decision. Unfortunately, I cannot protect her from all his antics, I can only be there and do everything I can to make sure she grows up with one loving parent.
    Writing this down on this site to people in similiar situations validates my thoughts. After 2 years friends and family get sick of hearing the constant drama of what is happening in your life. But friends and family have kept me sane, because once i tell 2-3 people my story of his latest shananigan, they reassure me that I am dealing with a sick individual.

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    Emerson, good to see you again. I might not have access to internet for the next several days, but wanted to let you know I got this comment.

    Will come back later when I can. I have to leave now.

    In the meantime, be gentle and good to yourself! ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. PhoenixRising says:

    emerson,

    In all likelihood, her daddy will appear perfect in your little girl’s eyes, until she starts to become her own person. She has two choices. She can choose to go down the road of burying her real self to be what he wants her to be, or she can fight for her authenticity (aka “life”)

    Needing to survive, often means, having to do both. Your task, as her mother, will be to help her hang on to her authenticity, while making the compromises she will need to make living under his care and power.

    It will, also, be your task to instill within her, a strong sense of ideals, principles to live by. To use what she learns about human nature for good and not evil.

    I know it sounds silly, but really, what she learns from this experience can ultimately be used to empower her as a real human being or enable her to manipulate others. So it’s kind of like a life and death battle here…

    Just want you to know you’re doing great and she’s already way ahead of the game with you in her corner like you are.

    Nothing is more powerful than validation. I’m not talking about giving others the power to give you esteem, but populating your reality with people who can acknowledge what is, when it is, and not twist it around to suit their agenda.

    Which is what narcissists do!

    Do you have any contact/relationship with his son…or his mom?

  6. Singlemomof2 says:

    Hello There,

    I just wanted to introduce myself and thank you for this wonderful site. I am a single mom of two boys, 7 and 8. I have been divorced for 5 years (thank god). I am so greatful to have found you today. I am proud to say that I have become “pretty’ good at dealing with the Narrcist, or Dadzilla as myself and a very close circle of friends call him. Yet, every now and again, I find myself starting to fall back into his web. I have been reading through all your posts with a huge smile on my face because it makes me realize, once again, that I am not losing my mind but most importantly, that I am not alone.

    Thank you so much. I am sure I will be here often.

  7. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi there, Singlemomof2,

    So sorry it took me so long to approve your comment. You won’t need approval after the first comment. I’m here irregularly, because sometimes it’s painful for me to come here and sometimes I just want to get as far away from anything narcissist as I can.

    But we both know it’s an illusion, especially when you have a child.

    I’m really glad to meet you. (Love the “Dadzilla” – I’m going to have to share that with my daughter.)

    So thank you for the validation. I vacillate between keeping this blog and taking it down, but you are right. There is strength in realizing you are not alone, and I’m currently going through another sucking-the-life-out-of-you episode, so it was really nice to get your comment!

  8. Momma Bear says:

    Hello all. I have 2 kids, 5 and 7. I too was completely comatose during my marriage (14 years, 20 years together). When I woke up, it hit me hard. I am doing better, but still struggle with a lot of conflicted feelings and anger, directed both at him and myself.

    Two years ago, I almost agreed to do everything without a lawyer, including 50/50 custody, and then couldn’t go through with it. I was doing it to avoid a fight, not because I thought it was best. Now we are at the beginning of the contested custody process and he is furious. I am willing to give him a lot of time, I just don’t think a weekly flip flop is best for them, they need more stability with a parent who is emotionally present.

    Regarding custody, I have a question for Emerson. Are you glad you went through the court system? I am so worried the court appointed psychologist will not see through him. Also, I WAS a bitch during our marriage. And after we separated, I was bouncing off the walls for a while. He made me start to look crazy, you know? I am worried he will turn everything around and make me look unstable. How is the court situation going? I am so afraid they won’t get it… My lawyer is polite but I am not sure he really gets it either.

    When I repeat a story about his actions, it sounds so petty, you know what I mean? It is like you have to know him to understand. Otherwise, it sounds like I attribute selfishness and ill motive to every little thing he does. BUT I lived with him almost 20 years. He is NOT a normal human being. He has absolutely no connection with other human beings. He cannot say I’m sorry, he can’t ask anyone to do anything for him (he only makes statements, never questions), he pauses for long periods during conversations so others trip over themselves, etc. etc.

    It is like there is no one inside of there. But his abuse is SO stealthy and covert, it is like no one else sees it. (Thank GOD my parents, sibling, and close friends do, but there are many people who see what they want… “what a great husband, father, provider… SHE must be the one with a problem for leaving him.”)

    He did not yell at me, rather, he just would simmer with anger and freeze me out. I cannot recall a single instance of affection in all of the time I have known him, and that is not an exaggeration at all. It was like a one-sided relationship, I WAS the relationship, all of it.

    Anyway, I am so glad to have found all of you too, because some of the other sites are not as applicable to my situation.

    Thanks Emerson, for any info/help you can provide. Fortunately, I am a little more grounded now. Had I gone to court a year or two ago, I think I would have looked insane. Now, I am much more careful in how I describe him and the situation. Will the professionals see it?

  9. insectt says:

    Even if you cannot post every day, this site is a WONDERFUL tool.

  10. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi Momma Bear,

    You wrote, “Now, I am much more careful in how I describe him and the situation. Will the professionals see it?”

    That’s the million dollar question! The sad thing, is unless you are trained or experienced in narcissism, in all likelihood, they won’t.

    The very thing that can drive a person slowly insane – the subtle and covert aggression – is what makes the narcissist successful in the court system. Narcissists are snakes in the grass, who know how to make themselves appear like the flowers they slither across.

    It is very wise you waited until you became more stable to pursue this in court, because you are absolutely right. You would have looked like the insane one and he might have even walked away with full custody!

    And I do understand, how you might have very well been the bitch during the time of your relationship. The thing about being with toxic people like that is that prolonged exposure to game playing and emotional abuse will slowly turn you into someone you don’t even recognize.

    That is one of the greatest casualties that victims of narcissists will experience.

    I think you need to do what is right for you, and you are the best assessor of that. In my experience and from what I have come to understand is that this kind of abuse is virtually impossible to prove and is not covered by the law to protect the innocent – unless it rises to such an egregious level that it’s obvious to even the blindest person.

    For the most part, our laws are designed to address black and blue marks, starvation or confinement. It does very little to address mental or emotional abuse, as long as everything appears to be just fine. And it’s hard to prove otherwise. If your own attorney doesn’t “get it”, then it’s going to be even harder to prove, I would think.

    For myself, I turn to a good counselor to help my daughter deal with the abuse of a narcissistic father. And we both count the days she can legally choose with whom she will stay.

    Until then, she exists to bolster his image as a good father to himself and those he performs for. But when she comes to me, she comes alive in the eyes of a woman who truly sees her.

  11. PhoenixRising says:

    Thank you so much insectt! What a curious name? Shall I see you as a butterfly on wing or a lovely little cricket singing with defiance, with joy through the night?

    I go back and forth…should I close this site? Should I keep it going?

    Your words mean a lot. *thank you*

  12. emerson says:

    I am not sure if the court fight made things better or worse in my case….I have spent over $60,000 total and have had the parenting assessment done on both of us. I did end up with Sole Custody, but at a price emotionally and financially. I will caution, psychologists are very skepical about putting “labels” on people. Our psychologist, danced around calling him a “narcissist” , but recommended alot of books about angry men and narcissim. I got the point loud and clear. I was recommended a book about taking a Narcissist through the court system. It was like reading my life story. I highly recommend that, and wish I had it before I had already gone through most of my battle. I honestly don’t know if fighting so hard was the right answer in my case. At this point, I have stepped away from things a bit, and came back to try to talk to him and understand why he does what he does, and realize that he is sick and doesn’t process or react like a “normal” person….when I actually spoke to him I found out the reason he has fought me for the past 2 years, is because I LEFT HIM. he still hasn’t gotten over that. It has nothing to do with our daughter. In his mind he still wants us to be together. It’s very strange to listen to him, but with an open mind, i’ve begun to communicate differently with him, and it seems to be working…i am throwing caution to the wind, and am trying to believe and trust him. He says he’s been in therapy and has changed or is changing? is this possible? can they change? i read if they can dig into the abuse they suffered as a child, it is possible if they give into the therapy 100%…..am i getting lead down the garden path? i hope not. All i know, is i have to get rid of some of this anger inside me, and this seems to be working better than the fighting for the past 2 years….i will keep you posted! i hope I am not sounding too weak!

  13. PhoenixRising says:

    Could you tell us what that recommended book was, emerson? I’d be interested in reading it, myself.

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey here. I don’t think you sound weak. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. Which is beautiful, very beautiful.

    Just make sure it’s used for your empowerment, and not for the personal agenda of another.

    I would caution you against throwing caution to the wind.

    As for change, I trust absolutely no change that does not involve accountability. I don’t care how “deep” a person goes into their childhood pain.

    You are right, you do have to get rid of the anger for your own sake. But I don’t think the way to do it is by setting yourself up to acquire more. If he does revert back, you will not only have to deal with the anger toward him, but yourself.

    There are more alternatives to fighting or “giving in”. It’s not necessarily one or the other.

    Do be careful. It’s beautiful you’re willing to be forgiving and to find a better way of communicating, but do be alert to what he’s communicating to you – by what he says and doesn’t say.

    No matter how nice he may be, or how many therapy sessions he attends, they are and never will be substitutes for actual accountability. No accountability and the abuse will resurface. It’s just a matter of time.

    Good luck and do keep us posted!

  14. insectt says:

    Hi, Phoenix. Sorry about the late repsonse. I didn’t know how to ‘check’ responses until now.

    I chose ‘insectt’ because, if I were more ambitious I would be an entymologist.. :)So, whatever little bug you would like to think me as will do. I love them all!

    I am sure many of us would prefer you keep this blog open, however, not at the cost of your sanity! There are many other resources on the web to read (and re-read). Yours is unique in that there is an insightful first hand accout in dealing with an N.

    Emerson, I don’t parent with an N, but I have been involved with one though and (thankfully) it will end as soon and I can move.

    I agree that you do not sound weak! I have only been involved with my N for two years and have no children with him. I cannot imagine having to deal with an N because of children. Just interacting with him one on one is intense -and crazy!

    He recently had a child with another girl and has declared “his son is the only thing that matters in his life. If he has to suffer to be with him then he will.” Meaning that he will be with the babys mom, too, in order to raise his son ‘correctly’.

    It is bittersweet. Emotionally I felt I had ‘lost’ because she will be moving in now(because I lose not only my ‘pseudo-boyfriend’ but my dog and house as well. But, knowing what he really is helps me to look towards the future and HEAL. And I don’t feel like I ‘lost’ anything but gained an opportunity to bring more positive energy and situations into my life.

    Hopefully your healing process will now begin, too!

  15. Momma Bear says:

    Thank you so much for your advice, Emerson and Phoenix Rising. I will take it to heart. I keep reminding myself that if my kids have one parent who sees them for who they are, they will be OK. I am very careful to not disparage him, but I know my 7 year old can feel me tense up when Dad is around. It feels right that I should do what I think is right, which is where I am right now. Before, it was always me trying to be 2 steps ahead of him, using reverse psychology, etc. It felt different but the same because he was still controlling me! Now, I am trying to just be me, take it easy and slow, and not let him make me crazy.

    Emerson, I do want to mention that during this process I have had periods of time where I forgave him and felt compassion for him. That is good and bad. It feels good but I let my defenses down. He used these periods to take more from me and use it against me.

    I think my compassion for him (the little kid he used to be) is what caused me to stay with him initially and overlook so much for so long. In my marriage, I so wanted it to be OK so I told myself it was and pretended to myself it was. But I knew better, and my body kept telling me through back and stomach problems, panic attacks and insomnia.

    If you can, try to forgive him without ever forgetting who he is, you know? He’s like a wild animal, like a tiger. They can seem tame but you can’t ever forget what you are dealing with. Also, keep your eyes wide open. Meditation helps with that a lot because it gives you space in your mind to stop analyzing and thinking it through, and the reality of how things really are will come to you.

    Thanks again everyone for being here,
    Momma Bear

  16. PhoenixRising says:

    Oh, wow, insectt!

    He recently had a child with another girl and has declared โ€œhis son is the only thing that matters in his life. If he has to suffer to be with him then he will.โ€ Meaning that he will be with the babys mom, too, in order to raise his son โ€˜correctlyโ€™.”>

    Now, if that doesn’t sound like a narcissist. He’s so perfect that he’s willing to suffer with someone obviously inferior just so he can raise this child correctly, no less. I wonder if mama knows that.

    And I wonder just how well he will handle it when that little child doesn’t cooperate (and it is inevitable) in reflecting how perfect a dad/person he is.

    You know, insectt, I think you did make out. Just in the nick of time.

    And I think I like thinking of you as that defiant cricket in the night, just singing your beautiful heart out! ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. PhoenixRising says:

    Momma Bear, you wrote”

    Emerson, I do want to mention that during this process I have had periods of time where I forgave him and felt compassion for him. That is good and bad. It feels good but I let my defenses down. He used these periods to take more from me and use it against me.

    I think my compassion for him (the little kid he used to be) is what caused me to stay with him initially and overlook so much for so long.

    I recognize this, too, in my own experience. To a narcissist, compassion is weakness, and trust is only to be taken advantage of.

    Yes, there is a hurt child within the narcissist, but no child should be used as bait. That’s what a narcissist does to their own inner child – use their past as a way to ensare or hold on to women who care.

    I agree, forgive, but do not forget who and what you are dealing with. In my opinion, a true sign of change is genuine accountability, which is followed by real change and the willingness to prove ones self.

    Beware of the person who doesn’t give you the space to be real with your feelings and healing journey, and wants you to rush along to “letting go”, for their convenience and comfort.

    And so I’d say, emerson, let your compassion empower you – not enable or excuse them.

    And Momma Bear, meditation really helped me too. Narcissists are so slippery and make you feel so disoriented, that it really helps to slow down and be still a while.

  18. Jane says:

    Wonder if the post could be members only, so to protect the privacy especially from the raging Ns?

    Just a thought.

  19. Jane says:

    Yes,this blog is needed and will help many in the same shoes. Keep up the good work and and sure others will help.

  20. PhoenixRising says:

    Yes, I need to update this blog software. I do believe how I have it set up now is all new comments need to be moderated and all blog posts need to be granted and reviewed by me first.

    I agree, we do need to watch out for raging N’s and other assorted ragers!

  21. Lizbeth Ann says:

    Hello,
    I’m new to this site and am dealing with the exact same situation…a narcissistic ex-husband. I have two young girls and have been divorced now for over 4 years. I’m starting to see how his behavior is impacting them and am really worried about them. Does anyone know how I can get him evaluated and if the court gives one parent full custody, basically takes away his custody all together, simply due to him being considered a narcissist by a professional?
    I’m feeling really lost and powerless. It’s just like many of the post above, extremely controlling and manipulative and Emerson’s comment about the ex trying to financially ruin you in court…mine is doing so in arbitration. It has been 58 arbitrations in just over 4 years. I have submitted 3. I feel as if I’m going crazy as well. AFter reading up on narcissist, I realize that it is mostly for attention and feeling as if he’s in power. Thank you for this blog. It is nice to know that I’m not dealing with this alone.

  22. PhoenixRising says:

    Lizbeth, I am so sorry! No matter how much I personally experience or how many stories I hear, I am always amazed in one way or another at how selfish and how far Narcissists will go in their quest for power and control.

    It sounds like to me your Ex is, also, being punishing. Narcissists are known for that, especially if they feel they have been “disrespected” – which can be as simple as denying them what they feel “entitled” to.

    58 arbitrations??? It seems like to me someone has to notice something weird about that. Are they superfluous?Is there any substance to them? What does the arbitrator have to say about them?

    I don’t know how you can get him evaluated. It’s a very tricky business, and officials are loath to compel anyone to psychiatric evaluations unless there’s a real obvious cause for concern…and that’s varies as to what that would entail.

    Psychological harm? It’s tricky. Narcissists are so good at putting on a good front, and quick to accuse you of what they do – manipulate, using the kids to get at them, etc.

    Do you have legal help and how aware are they of these dynamics? Perhaps, if the arbitrations are deemed harassment?

    I don’t know…good luck! And keep in touch.

    Sending you a hug…

  23. lifesgood says:

    Hey PhoenixRising,
    Thank you,what a God send this site is. I’m 20 years in, to a 38 yr old N. I’m 51 you can do the math.Two kids later, 12&14. Told him Bye Bye in March this year after I snapped and said NO MORE to his alcohol abuse.Yes folks ,mine is the drunk physically aggressive type as well.Lots of baggage from his past, Blah Blah Blah… That’s why I hung in for so long,thought I could save the poor” Victim” from his parents!!!!

    Found some old notes I wrote back in the early 90’s, WoW,I knew what I was dealing with back then, just didn’t recognise what it was.When you are naive, caring and trusting, you think people are like minded,have the same ethics & morals as yourself,not necessarily the case, especially when they are Ns and are conning you into thinking you have found your soul mate(as well as lying about their age).

    Getting back to those old notes,they were directed at my N’s Father, Mother and sisters.

    Something wasn’t right.I didn’t know of any family that was so conflicted with drama after drama. The father in law was also a heavy drinker but oh so charming,intelligent,believable and convincing.Awrghhhh !!! The Patriarchal Narcissist.
    It was like being in a whirlpool,felt totally helpless, no one seemed to be living in reality.
    My N was reeling from his fathers rejection because of me.I was consoling him and giving him all of the positive attention he didn’t get from his father.( I guess there is a sucker born every minute)
    Their problem solving and decision making skills were unfathomable. Not to mention the fact that they hated me especially the dad. I had just coveted his favourite minion. Woops.Wasn’t long before I realized that I had stumbled across a vipers nest. Hell on earth here I come.But thats another story for a publisher one day.

    After re – reading all my scribbled thoughts, tearful lamentations and confused recollections of events, I was oddly calm because what I had experienced and endured (including my 6yr old daughter at the time, who I had unwittingly exposed to this toxic waste dump of a family)wasn’t an over exaggeration of what it was like to be part of that dysfunctional environment. It all really happened. Validation of my sanity, Yeah!!! Keep notes/diary (but hidden, always, they snoop as well as stalk).
    My N kept me totally consumed with his families
    BS compounded by the alcohol issues.

    I once read that NPDs were emotional vampires who suck you dry 24/7.How true and the devastating thing about that is when you have children they tend to wait in the wings until you find time to stop spinning.Unfortunatley some of the kids don’t fair so well out of it.My 6yr old at the time is now a 26year old, a self confessed Mild Obsesssive compulsive. As she would tell you,the only way to maintain control over her own life and space then and now, was to have an exaggerated need for order in everything she does.
    Note- she is over the moon about me leaving him, we cried together,I wish we hadn’t have had to.

    Best advice, learn everything you can about NPD because when you expose them for what they really are they get real nasty.Know what your dealing with get youself on the road to healing so you can protect and nurture your real children. Not the child in the grown ups body.

    I realised my neglect of my “real kids” when I had my 14 yr old in therapy for depression. It hit me like a train and I was the wreck. Her therapist was very pleased when I told her my take on why I thought we were both sitting in her office. If I hadn’t been totally consumed with the N we wouldn’t be here, my daughters depression and attempts at self harm were screams of help and attention that she should have never had to scream for.She is no longer in therapy and and she is well on the road to recovery and we are re building our relationship.
    The 12yr old is angry and confused with his fathers behaviour and can sometimes give me a hard time with his rebellion but he always goes away thinks about it and the majority of times comes to me and says “Sorry for being mean to you Mum, or sorry for making you angry”. I tell him it’s Ok to be angry with the situation, I still love you,It’s not you I was annoyed with it was your reaction. That always ends well and we get on with things as though nothing happened.

    So in conclusion,try and stay focussed, self educate get a councilor to talk to and for the children maintain the Status Quo parent them as you would and should, try and keep 1 step ahead and get a Lawyer.
    Thank you every one for your words of encouragement and sharing your stories. Special thanks to PhoenixRising.

    Lifesgood xxx

  24. emerson says:

    Hi,
    its me, Emerson again…..my last post, i think i was talking about an internet site i found that a naracissist can be rehabilitated….i bought into it, hook, line and sinker!
    I have spent the past 3 months with my ex, trying to make him better, because he had me believe that it was my fault things didn’t work out, and i owed it to my daughter to try to make it work between us. Now, keep in mind, we have been brutally fighting in the court for the past 2/5 years…suddenly, we are trying to give it another chance! H
    e admitted he had problems and even went as far as therapy and to admit, he may be a naracissist. I had myself convinced that changes were being made. they weren’t.
    All I got was an insight, that NONE of this fighting was about his daughter, it was about me! I was a possession of his, that left him! how dare I? Once he thought he had me, he spent all kinds of money on taking me to expensive places to impress me, none included taking my daughter. He’d sooner leave her at a babysitter. She would take away from HIS time with me…she’s 2.5years old!!! He would spend $500 on a new shirt for a date with me…but when I asked him to pay for half, HALF, of my daughter’s daycare for a month, he laughed in my face and said “it’s not my fault, you blew all your money”….I was shocked! nothing had changed.
    Now, within a matter of 2 weeks, I am facing 2 court dates and all kinds of accusations from him….I hate to say it, but I think it is going to be worse than the original break up. I have such guilt for this. I can’t believe I was so stupid to believe him. I feel like a stupid fool. and now I don’t know how to calm him down. I know one thing forsure, I will NEVER be going back to him. I feel like such a stupid fool for trusting him and now all i’ve done is feed him information he is going to be able to twist and use to build his case. I am broke and can’t afford to fight him anymore. He represents himself in court (big surprise) and i’ve spent $60,000 in lawyer costs. I can’t keep the fight going. I don’t have the financial or emotional strength. Everybody say it now “we told you so!” any kind words are appreciated.

    Emerson

  25. PhoenixRising says:

    Lifesgood! Welcome! Sorry it took so long to post your comment. I can’t believe how hard it is for me to maintain this site. Just went through a family crisis, and of course, ex-N had to get his two cents in and get some attention and throw a little fit as usual. Most times these days I can let it roll off my back, but when you’re raw, as I was…well, let’s say it’s taken me a while to recover.

    Anyway, WELCOME!!!

    And I have to say I recognized me in your story in more than a few places! You are so right. Take care of you real children and not the one inside the adult of an N. Because you know, he’s the only one who can do anything about that child.

    If you try, that child will not thank you for trying to rescue it, but strike out in an angry tantrum because you’re not the one it wants, and you can never give it enough of what it needs.

    That wounded little boy inside the N, needs the grown up N to take care of him. And no one else will do.

    In the meantime, your own children will suffer. I know mine did, and I regret to this day, how I let my energy and life force get sucked out of me for my N’s own needs and pleasure. What a cost. To my kids. To me and my relationship with them.

    I’m so happy you are healing in your relationship with your children now. I am, too. Can’t think too much about what I lost though, because it will drive me crazy.

    The time to love your kids as kids is when they’re kids. You can heal all you want as adults, but you can’t get that time back.

    And yes, I knew what I was dealing with back then, too, but just didn’t recognize it. But you made it. And I made it.

    I’m very happy for you that two kids are still so young, and that even though your oldest is 26, she now has a mother who can be there for her and with her in the present moment. You two can validate each other and lend a lot to each others healing.

    That’s part of the reason I wanted to put this blog out. I guess if there was only one sentence I could publish it would be, “MOTHERS (or Fathers) PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!!”

    You will regret it if you don’t.

    PhoenixRising

  26. PhoenixRising says:

    Oh, Emerson!!! (*(*(*BIG HUGS TO YOU*)*)*)

    And now, please STOP saying you were so stupid. In fact, you are not allowed to use that word “stupid” in relation to anyone but the N. Is that understood?

    N’s have a way of doing that. They take your love, your kindness, your generosity, throw it in your face and then you wind up condemning yourself.

    You can’t blame yourself for being hopeful, especially when there are people eager and willing to tell you there is hope. That includes your N and the people offering to show you how to turn an N around for whatever fee they charge or books, seminars they sell.

    What kind of accusations is he making and what does he want from you now? Did you break up with him again and this is the immediate retaliation?

    I am so sorry you are going through this. But please, you have so much on your hands and to deal with. It sounds like he’s really beating you up psychologically. Don’t do that to yourself.

    Your “weakness” with him is your strength with you. Not sure what that means, but felt compelled to write it. Think about it though. Your love, your kindness and generosity, your compassion. Let them work for you.

    Maybe calming him down is not the thing. Maybe it’s calming your own fears down and centering yourself long enough to see what comes your way, despite the storm over the horizon. Maybe it’s being still enough to let opportunities gently blow your way.

    I don’t know. I do know I don’t want you to be your own enemy. You are not stupid. You are caring. You are strong. And you will come out ahead.

    PhoenixRising

  27. lifesgood says:

    One thing I’ve learn’t in the land of Psycho babble is to heal yourself before you can help your kids.It’s a bit like the emergency drill on an aircraft, when the oxygen mask drops, you put it over your own face first then you give it to the child. You have to know what YOUR dealing with first before you can give your kids the tools and skills to help them survive. They will always come away with emotional baggage after the flight, but you will know you’ve given it your best shot and sometimes that baggage may just help rather than hinder them in the future.

    Education! Education! Education!Devour everything you can on info regarding Ns. But beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. Ns have a Personality Disorder, remember this. Therapy for them may only make them worse and besides that “THEY THINK THEY’RE NORMAL” (come on folk that’s funny) so don’t expect them to stay in therapy for too long, unless it serves their purpose in some twisted way.
    The next advise I can give you is to ease up on sharing every detail of your Ns latest exploits with everyone you think needs to know. Here is perfect, we get it. It’s hard enough for us to keep it straight in our own minds let alone the folk you are trying to make understand your ordeal. They will never make sense of it unless they have lived it. So do your self a favour and speak to a psychologist or similar, who does Get It! They can be very helpful with validating your sanity and sympathetic to your situation. And the best thing about it is, they have to listen to you, after all your paying them to hear you VENT!Ha Ha Ha.
    If you can resist dumping the poison on your family,friends and children they’ll start treating you normally. Some do thrive on the latest gossip,but they will tire of it.Some will think you are loony. Some will just stop taking your calls, and some like your children will embrace the Parent they thought they were loosing to the Twilight Zone.
    The more you learn the more you will be able to brace yourself for what’s coming next. The strategy is self preservation not how to counter attack.This only zaps your energy and finances and gets you nowhere.

    Save your energy for your “real” children. Try and maintain the Status Quo for them,be transparent and honest, acknowledge their hurt, anger and confusion with the N in their life. Tell them what they feel is normal and valid under the circumstances. Reinforce this over and over,not by brain washing but with subtlety,understanding and love. They will begin to realize that life with you has realistic boundaries that are clear and defined,trust and mutual respect abounds and most of all you and your children will gain strength from each other.

    Sounds idealistic and easy? I’ts not it will take every ounce of your parental instinct to protect and nurture your “cubs” just ask “mommabear”.

    Through education,employ your new found skills and tools.
    My best defense at the moment is offense, I give my N nothing to feed on, no interaction,no conversation, no anger, no retaliation, he gets a blank page. He actually re coils from it.The very best response I got from him was “I don’t know whats wrong with you, you’ve changed, this is not the person I know !!”, (and don’t I know it). He even looked scared and confused. Don’t know how long it will last but if it gives me a few days of respite from him then I’m happy, plus I get to re charge my batteries for the next round of his ridiculous behavior.
    Stay strong best wishes to all.
    Lifesgood.

  28. sawyeryoung says:

    In the middle of the night, when I was feeling my most alone, I found this site. You offer undeniable proof that I am not alone in what I am going through and gave me the much needed boost to regather my strength.

    I was married nearly five years to a narcissist and lost much more than the time. He got me to question my family and friends, my sanity, and even my parenting abilities. Two months before he announced our marriage was over, he managed to convince me to sign guardianship of our four year old son over to his parents.

    Two and a half years later, my son is in first grade and probably doesn’t remember living with me. I get to see him every other weekend, as per my verbal agreements with my ex’s parents. I am unsure of how often my ex sees him, though he continues to act like a “fun uncle” more than a father. My son’s grandparents have asserted that they want to get to a “more normal” situation, with our son residing with one of us, but insist they will not sign any papers until we can agree. I’m sure you realize how likely this is to happen.

    I’m lucky in that I have remarried. This time, to a wonderful man, who is very understanding and supportive. He has never once taken the bait laid out by my ex. (My ex even said, “I don’t want you to be with him because I’m afraid he will make you happy.”)

    One of my ex’s favorite lines now is that since we are no longer married, he doesn’t have to “put up” with me anymore. I find this ironic, since I still have to put up with his lying and manipulating, his passive-aggressive put-downs, and constant attempts to belittle the strength and courage I’ve managed to find.

    So I keep going. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, doing the best I can for my son until I can get him back with me. I put on my Big Girl Hat, I forgave myself for giving my ex so much control, and realized that no amount of talking, reasoning, or bargaining will change the way my he is. They’re not all good days, although the bad ones are getting fewer and farther between. On the bad days, though, it’s helpful to know I am in good company. Others have been where I am, and survived. That means I can too.

    Please don’t retire this blog. For every reader who comments, there are probably five who don’t.

  29. PhoenixRising says:

    Thank you, SawyerYoung,

    I appreciate your kind words. I won’t retire this blog, although I post on it intermittently and not anywhere near as often as I should. Still, it is my impression that it is helpful to more than a few people. And that’s because of the generosity of all who have participated to share their stories. I am truly grateful.

    PhoenixRising

  30. diamondwillow says:

    Hi,
    I spent half my life with one. It took all my strength to leave. The want to be dead was so overpowering, but I have 3 children and I couldn’t do that to them.

    My biggest worry is my eldest son. Can you keep the apple from falling straight down?

    Life is good for me now. I have to send my kids to him for 6 weeks this summer. Even setting the dates for when this will occur has turned into a battle. Luckily I have a loving finace who protects me from having to deal with this. I should be sleeping beside him right now, but instead I’m turning over the possibility of going back to court in my head and wondering when it will ever end.

    I hope that reading what is here will help me understand better what I’m dealing with. My counsellor during my separation and divorce first pointed out to me that he might be a narcissist. Reading this shows me why he may have thought so.

    Thanks for creating your blog. I had one once, but it is gone now because there is nowhere I can go that he doesn’t find me. He took what scraps of my online presence he could find to court to try to keep me from moving away. He was unsuccessful, but I know he’s out there looking.

    Now I have to figure out how to protect my children. I wish he’d start thinking about them, but I know that is impossible.

    I think now I can sleep.

Leave a Reply

WordPress spam blocked by CleanTalk.