Parenting with a Narcissist

Excerpt from a thought-provoking post:
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2006/11/how-children-of-narcissists-get.html

[The child of a narcissist] will grow up conditioned to think that the greatest sin is having anybody commit one against you…

When that child becomes an adult and goes out into the world, he will tolerate narcissists, because he has been conditioned to. The double-standard is so deeply ingrained that this child thinks, “Some people are just that way.” To be a good person, you must tolerate whatever treatment they feel like dishing out to you.

…you must seriously consider getting very young children away from a narcissistic spouse. And, if you can’t or decide not to for some reason, you must make sure not to fall into this trap.

The main thing is NOT to go into denial. Consider and be aware of the effect it tends to have on your children’s psyche. Counter that effect. Make sure the normal child never feels responsible for something no one can control = the narcissist’s wild behavior.

Children are amazingly resilient. If the normal parent relates appropriately to them and really makes the effort to compensate, it makes a huge difference. Kids catch on to things at a much earlier age than we realize.

They know Daddy isn’t satisfied with them. Make sure they learn that it’s due to Daddy’s defect, not theirs. Yes, that will sadden them and perhaps make them feel cheated. But it won’t damage them. Similarly, it’s sad to know that your Daddy doesn’t care about you. But it’s torture to be subjected to conditional love, tantalized forever with cruel hope that you can somehow MAKE him like you if you just keep trying hard enough.

This is only one of many interesting, informing articles on narcissism. Unfortunately, the blog is no longer active, as the author passed away. But it is a valuable resource and I highly recommend reading through the posts.

A great read!

Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International

Quote by Sam Vaknin

“Narcissists are narcissists. Take them or leave them. Some of them are lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realisation that they fell in love with an ideal of their own making, a phantasm, an illusion, a fata morgana. This ‘waking up’ is traumatic. The narcissist is always the same. It is the victim who changes.”

Here’s a quote from Sam Vaknin, “Malignant Self-Love” (free download of excerpts from his book)

“The narcissist equates emotions with weakness. He regards the sentimental and the emotional with contempt. He looks down on the sensitive and the vulnerable. He derides and despises the dependent and the loving. He mocks expressions of compassion and passion. He is devoid of empathy. He is so afraid of his True Self that he would rather disparage it than admit to his own faults and ‘soft spots’.”

I find this to be true. One of the things Ex really despised were people who sought therapy or did self-help or turned to their faith for strength. Not only did he believe mankind was the highest pinnacle of evolution, but that he, particularly, was at the top of that pinnacle above other human beings. He even gave himself a royal title, “His Name the 1st”.

It’s not that he couldn’t do things that appeared to be sentimental, but he didn’t really hold those things in high regard. They and what they represented could be discarded in a flash if it was expedient or because it was for a “good time”. Now, that was what he held in the highest regard.

I came to realize that his emotional “opening up” or sentimental gestures were like making deposits that he not only felt entitled to withdraw from but to overdraw, because he was…well, he was him, of course.

There is a lovely little story, “Little One Step” that I used to read to my daughter when she was younger. I find it to be very relevant now and a story can come in very handy when you’re not sure what to say.

You never know when a child will feel comfortable or feel the need to share their feelings. My daughter had spent the day playing with her dear friend she hadn’t seen for quite a while. They had gone to a birthday party together, and by all counts, she should have been flying high on the way home. But half way there, she brought up her father.

For the sake of creating a context, let me backtrack a bit. When I had picked her up from her father’s a few days ago, she told me that just before I arrived he suddenly brought up her reaction to a documentary he had forced her to watch. She didn’t know why. He was just talking and the next thing she knew he was talking about – no, mocking her about her reaction to this documentary three days previous. She was very upset about this. Read more…