Parenting with a Narcissist

I spent the day with my daughter yesterday. She said something to me that really took me aback and it disturbs me. She said she didn’t really believe in God, just maybe 3/4′s.

I asked if her dad has been talking to her about that, because I know he not only doesn’t believe in God (other than himself), but has utter contempt for those who do. She said no, that she was speaking for herself.

But I know he’s been working on her in subtle ways over the years.

Dd has always felt a love for God, and when her father tried to talk God down, she’s gotten upset with him. It distressed her that he would say he didn’t believe and that he’d talk in contempt about religion.

I’m not a religious person, but my spirituality has always been my deepest passion – ever since I was a child. From the time she was a baby, she was always filled with wonder and a connectedness with life that she called “God”. I see her losing this.

I’ve never preached to her about God, per se, though I have shared my thoughts, what it means to me. I don’t like the idea of shoving anything down anyone’s throat, but I do need to be aware that I’m not dealing with a normal person in her father. The same rules of good conduct do not apply.

I have not been actively trying to make her believe this or that, perhaps my mistake. But he has been trying to influence her to believe or not believe as he does. He’s subtle about it. Knowing out and out blasting of what I hold dear would not go well with her, he has been trying to undermine my beliefs for years.

He started a couple years ago when he decided to share “Life of Brian” with her, and had her singing the song about torture and laughing at religious figures and their hypocrisy. This was her first exposure to traditional Christianity. He’s impatient and dismissive when she’s prayed before eating. He will not skip an opportunity to point out some atrocity or hypocrisy done in the name of religion. He does not point out similar levels of brutality in secular regimes.

Just recently, he gave her a CD of music, and one of the songs is “Amish Paradise” by Weird Al. It’s meant to be a parody, and tongue in check “fun” song, but if you listen to it it’s really pretty contemptuous. She loves music. She sings along. He does too.

I don’t have an active church life. The one I love is an hour and ten minutes away. And I can only go twice a month if I did go.

What kind of person would want to take away something that fills a person with wonder and joy, that makes you feel like you’re part of something grander? To make a child just as cynical and ego centered as one’s self? An ego centered person I guess, a narcissist.

When will I learn that I’m not dealing with a normal person? It’s not about whether he’s an atheist or not. It’s about him wanting to make her just like him, about not giving her anything of value or depth to replace what he takes away.

In a way I am fighting for her soul with the devil.

Okay, so yesterday I met my dd to tutor her. Her father knew she’d have to get up early, and that she’d be engaged in learning activities. When we started I noticed she was reading slowly, almost laboriously. Then she would start to yawn, and it was evident she was having trouble concentrating.

I asked why was she so tired. She said they had stayed up past midnight…watching movies.

He resents having to drive her to town for me to tutor her. Doesn’t matter that it’s because he has neglected teaching her, himself, and that I’m picking up the slack for her benefit. It’s an intrusion on his time.

But he’ll show me. I can’t tell him what to do when she’s with him. I can’t take away his staying up late time with her.

And then maybe it has nothing to do with him showing me anything. Maybe it’s just good old fashion narcissistic selfishness with no regard for how it would affect his child. It’s what he wanted to do. Damn the consequences….especially when it’s not him paying for them

Maybe it’s both.

Anyway, I had to vary the activities, take her outside, feed her (because she had virtually nothing to eat for breakfast – just one sugar laden pop tart) and encourage her to keep focus. She did all right, considering the circumstances.

A narcissist’s self-centeredness never ceases to amaze me.

Children need friends, too, and more than just kids they can hang out with, I find it’s really helpful for them to be with children who know what they’re going through. It’s so easy for a child to feel alone or like the only kid that’s going through whatever challenging experience they’re facing.

It may be more difficult for a child to find another child who will understand the manipulation and duplicity of a parent. Not that there aren’t a lot of kids who experience that, but it’s very, very difficult for a child to acknowledge the toxicity of a physically abusive parent, never mind one that engages in verbal and emotional abuse.

It’s natural for children to want to dismiss or internalize their parents faults. It’s a survival mechanism for a kid to repress the bad and frightening aspects of their parents and focus or exaggerate the good qualities.

This is where a friend who simply listens can be invaluable. A child doesn’t have to even understand or comprehend, but to have a friend who can just listen really seems to release pressure for my daughter.

She needs to speak. And someone has to hear. A child needs that validation to stop from feeling like they’re going crazy, just like an adult does.

And they are among the first things your narcissist will want you to drop.

Actually, mine wasn’t so bad in that regard. He liked me having friends if it meant I would be out of his hair when he was with his, which was quite often. But he didn’t like me being friends with people who knew what he was up to, and often would try to discredit their character just in case they would tell me something.

I was never a real social person, so it worked out for me to stay home, and I had my artwork to keep me occupied.

Anyway, I can see how much of a protection your friends can provide you if you’re with a Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde type of person, because they can help to give you perspective. When you’re with a narcissist, you begin to doubt yourself like crazy, because you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you were mistaken, or maybe that’s how he really remembers it, or maybe…maybe…maybe…

But a friend can snap you out of it. A friend can verify what happened, can lead you back to yourself.

Yesterday, I spent several hours with a friend as we shared our experiences and insights together. We ate junk food, told jokes and did quite a bit of laughing. You have to do that. You have to support yourself, but more than that, you have to allow others support you, too.

You deserve that, even if he makes you feel like you don’t.

I feel so bad. Yesterday I was so tired. I had been on the road the previous day for over four hours. It was the end of the week and I was tired from work, taking care of a sick friend and homeschooling my daughter. Yes, I homeschool her.

How is it homeschooling a child with a narcissist co-parent? – A nightmare.

But I do it because she needs it. Because of her learning style and way she processes information, the schools really can’t meet her needs and she’d either be incorrectly diagnosed or fall through the cracks. Plus, we belong to a wonderful supportive co-op, and I won’t take that way from her. But thats another post.

For now I want to express my guilt and sorrow over having yelled at her yesterday, two different times. It’s ironic, because I had taken her to a day camp to help her deal with her emotions and handle anger and stress. I think the wrong person went. It should have been me.