Parenting with a Narcissist

I notice that I haven’t been here since February 26th. For my own safety, I have an email account associated with this blog that I do not use for anything else. But I haven’t even checked that account over these past few months, so I never knew of the first time comments that were made and awaiting approval.

This is no excuse, but I have to say…and if you’ve ever been involved with one, I’m sure you would understand…that narcissists are absolutely draining. Life sucking, mind numbing draining. Even when you’re divorced from them…even when you maintain absolutely bare bones minimum contact, because it’s impossible to have no contact.

Sometimes, I feel if I just ignore him, if I just brush him off when he acts his way and pretend everything is all right, then it will be. I don’t want to look at the poison straight in the face. I don’t want to see just how sick this really is…or that my daughter has to spend time with someone like that.

And I want to avoid places like this blog, and I want to just let it all go and be done with it and not go over it again.

But it doesn’t go away, and they don’t stop. They are relentless. Give them a millimeter, and they will take the world.

So I want to apologize to those who have sought some refuge or insight here. I actually have none to give. Just my experiences, just some venting, just some ranting and even some moments of peace. But now that I’ve discovered on this day that there are at least three people who have come by and were moved enough to write, I feel encouraged.

Like I’m not really alone, and I’m not talking in the dark or to myself and that maybe, just maybe, everything will actually be all right.

I have some things to tend to over the weekend, but if I can get internet connection, then I will start to move everything over from the other blog that’s hanging idle in cyber space and start to keep this one current.

I promise, I will not be gone so long this time. I feel less like I’m a lunatic mumbling blindly to herself. I know there are other ears that hear and have similar experiences to share.

…because I’m being more myself.” That’s what she told me last night.

That’s really sad, but it’s not to be unexpected. More and more, during each day I have her, she has to express some anxiety, some resentment toward her father and distress at having to be with him.

She says she hates having to be another person when she’s with him.

I hate it, too. But I’m grateful she’s consciously aware of it, and aware that she is healthy enough to where having to wear a different face for him really grates on her.

But he’s just a jerk. I can’t believe he’s…well, I guess I can…but I can’t believe he’s on this “She’s (me) using schooling her (our daughter) as an excuse to keep her away from me” kick again. But he is. DD told me she overheard him saying that to someone on the phone.

He’s said it to me too.

Can you believe that? Not that wanting to see to it that she gets her educational instruction during the weekday would have anything to do at all with her educational benefit. No, it’s my diabolical plot to keep her away from him. I’m infringing upon his entitlement to have her and her reason for living – to keep him company…we’re talking about the inconvenience of a two hour session, folks…oh, and the 15 minute drive to and from.

Now, if he has a poker party to go to, or a poker night at some bar, or a really great social event, or extra work he wants to do to make more money, then that’s okay to give her up, to sacrifice his time with her for. And he has no problem expecting me to have her, which I’m always happy to. BUT to place her in the hands of someone (me) for the benefit of her education? What an injustice!!!

I mean, he has to make up for the time he doesn’t have her, doesn’t he? Her education for his gratification? That’s a fair trade.

You know, I can deal with his nonsense. It’s annoying and irritating as hell, but as long as I can tend to, at least, some of her needs, then that’s just what I have to do. But what really gets me is the growing emotional abuse she has to go through when she’s with him, and the anguish it causes her.

She loves being herself. She loves being with me, because she can be herself. The contrast is tortuous to her.

It’s the way it has to be for now. If so, then I have to help her develop the tools and have access to them. Today she goes in to see her counselor. It’s a start beyond me.

ell, I’ve been away a while. A really bad storm swept through my area and my internet was down for almost a week. Plus, I just needed to take some time off.

Finally got her in for some one-on-one counseling with a therapist. It was great. She drew a picture of her father as a little irate devil with horns and tail. She drew me as a larger figure with a flowing gown saying, “You don’t know how to treat a kid” to the devil. She drew herself in the middle with a confused and sad look on her face.

At first she was shy, but once she got started, she couldn’t stop talking.

My attention and time is being taxed right now, but I will be more diligent about spending time here. I need it!

Hang in there. It will get better.

She’s at a friend’s house right now. It’s not too often I have time like this to myself, but as usual, I have to leave in a few minutes to do something. I need to help a dear friend who is facing a health challenge. Though I often feel like I run around too much, I do not resent this. I want to be there. I don’t mind being there for something that’s important to me.

What I do resent is the draw on my time by the toxic Ex, the narcissist I was so attracted and attached to at one time, and who I now can’t get far enough away from. It’s not that he asks to spend time with me anymore…only intermittently. It’s just that our interactions are very draining to me, and I never know if he’s going to “act up” or if it will be my lucky day and all will be civil and fine. And then by his choices regarding our DD, he winds up making so much more work for me…or sabotages what I’ve already done.

Because he has no real regard for reality or truth, I never know what I might get accused of or what shape the latest twisting of facts will take. I suppose I could make a game of it…you know, a predicting game, but I’ve never been a big fan of games. So, why then was I so attracted to such a player?

Well, I supposed I could pick out some reasons, but I swear, sometimes I just wonder where my brains went.