January 16, 2010 by zacksmom
(Seventh of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
by Zack’s Mom
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin
7. This might sound crazy: Pray for the narcissist.
I am not religious, nor am I endorsing a religious path. Here is my thinking: your narcissist is very sick and very damaged. He is not as strong as you are or can be.
Pray to whatever higher power you have. It will release your hatred and anger. If you are hateful, you are hooked, and if you are hooked, you are leaking precious energy that could go toward surviving and healing.
8. You don’t have to be perfect.
You cannot make up for the narcissist’s deficiencies. Kids don’t need perfect parents; they need good-enough parents. When you do something that hurts or upsets your child, do the restorative work of saying you are sorry.
Narcissists never say they are sorry; they are incapable of copping to the very human flaws we all have. Apologizing to your child when you mess up is a source of power, not weakness. It models good behavior for the child and acknowledges to him or her that you can appreciate hurt feelings. Every time I apologize to my son, he says he feels better.
~ In time, kids figure out who their parents are. Kids are not dumb.
They know who is dishonest, and who is not. They know who is grounded, and who is not. I am not saying they will not get hurt; they very likely will. However, you will be there for that hurt child and that’s what he or she needs to grow into healthy adulthood. Staying strong and steady in the face of conflict and provocation will do more for you and your child than anything, and that requires self-awareness and self-care.
We are not alone, and we are not crazy. Life can be joyful and rewarding if we take the time, every day, to move ourselves toward healing. Our lives and those of our children depend on it.
End of 7 Part Series
January 15, 2010 by zacksmom
(Sixth of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
by Zack’s Mom
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin
6. Getting yourself strong gets your child strong. Mirror your child’s feelings.
I have found that this simple process lets my son know first that he has been heard, and second that I believe him–something he won’t hear from his dad.
My narcissistic ex often told me that my thoughts or feelings were imagined, incorrect, or the result of my own confusion, and now he is doing that to my son. Mirroring is very simple, but deceptive in that it is also very powerful.
If my son says, “I hate transitions. I miss you and I don’t want to go to my dad’s house,” I say, “Transitions are really hard for you because you miss me. You hate them because you have to leave me.”
Mirroring is not about fixing, but about holding the child’s emotions. My son’s therapist tells me that this kind of interaction by a parent is descriptive rather than proscriptive, proscriptive being the kind of talk that contains a lot of “shoulds” and “don’t dos.”
His dad’s response might be something like “You shouldn’t feel sad. You will see mommy in a few days.” The child feels he has not been heard and over time, this shuts the child down.
~ My greatest moment came when my son was almost three. He told me, “Sophie [his cousin] hit me. I feel sad. What are my choices to feel better?”
When a child can identify his or her feelings, you can explore ways to address those feelings. Mirroring is the key.
Tomorrow Part 7
January 14, 2010 by zacksmom
(Fifth of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2, 3, 4
by Zack’s Mom
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin
5. This brings up another related point: Get yourself strong.
Go to Al-Anon meetings, go to a therapist, go to the gym if you can afford it, walk around your neighborhood and swing your arms as if you are boxing.
Find or create powerful affirmations and repeat them to yourself. Some of mine are I am strong, healthy and powerful.
I do not have to act out of hatred.
I am bigger than the narcissist. He does not limit my world.
Develop a special outside interest that takes your mind away from the ongoing conflict. Treat yourself well, even if it is in small ways–sitting quietly to drink a cup of tea or looking at photographs from a happy time.
Your narcissist is not all-powerful. He is a puny bully who tries to look large. You must take back your power.
~The therapy I found most useful was EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a therapy for trauma survivors. EMDR was the key to addressing the ways in which I was triggered and calming them. There are many other effective therapies, but EMDR saved my life. Through EMDR I was able to identify the parts of myself that get triggered, to give them what they need to feel loved, and in that way to interact with my narcissist without getting “hooked.”
Tomorrow Part 6
January 13, 2010 by zacksmom
(Fourth of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2, 3
by Zack’s Mom
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin
3. Don’t convince yourself that everyone believes him.
I used to think everyone thought my ex was as charming and bright as I once did. But when I met him, I had poor self-esteem and was drawn in by his manipulations.
Not everyone will be drawn in. Over time I have come to see that there are plenty of smart people–at my son’s school, in our circle of friends, and even in “the system” who get his schtick right away.
Not everyone, but enough that I can tell myself he is not as powerful as I once convinced myself he was.
4. Remember that narcissists organize themselves around conflict.
In other words, conflict gives them a focal point for their energies and bullying strategies. If they can provoke you, drag you into court, start a fight, get you going, they will–because it gives them a goal and a project.
It is hard, hard work to get to a place where you are strong enough (and fearless enough) to resist fighting. It is better for you and for your child if you do not. When narcissists are left without conflict, their insecurities eat at them. They will keep upping the ante, trying to get you to take the bait. Don’t do it!
Tomorrow Part 5
January 12, 2010 by zacksmom
(Third of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2
by Zack’s Mom
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin
2. This brings up a related point. Let the narcissist tell the story of who he is.
Left to his own devices, his behavior over time will reveal his dishonesty and contempt to those who might be otherwise charmed.
My ex-husband accused me for years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. In the beginning, I would react angrily and sometimes hysterically, and in the process I looked crazy–which is exactly what he wanted.
I have now taken the Ronald Reagan “there he goes again” approach. When the allegations are made (and they are) I sigh and give whomever a knowing look (the judge, the parenting coordinator, my son’s therapist) “there he goes again” look.
If they ask questions, I answer calmly. (Lots of therapy under my belt has enabled me to roll with getting triggered, rather than acting it out.) Now that he has made these accusations a couple dozen times or so, and I have not been exposed as abusive, he has created a narrative about himself as someone who lies and lobs false allegations.
The judges, parenting coordinator, and therapist have begun to see him for what he is and have lost patience with his provocative tactics.
It’s very Zen: let his own aggressive energy be his undoing: when he runs at you, don’t put up your fists. Instead, step aside and let him crash.
Tomorrow Part 4
