by resdien

I am in my early 30′s and have a 2 year old with an ex N. We were together for 6 years and I recently broke it off several months ago. The first year of our relationship was GREAT! I felt like a queen. We were so in love. We were inseparable.

I started to get insecure with him working with really attractive females. Part of it was my own past insecurities, but the other part was intuition…maybe more. I found out he was hitting on his female coworkers. This was 4 years ago. I confronted him about it and of course, i became the bad person not him.

He eventually apologized. We were already living together at the time. I didn’t want to move back to my parents. From there my self esteem started to go down hill. I was always having thoughts of him doing something. A year goes by, and it comes to my attention he’s hitting on his coworkers again. I confronted him. Again, i was the bad person.

He told me to pack up all my s*it and i did, but i caved in to his pressure to come back, and we were boyfriend and girlfriend the very next day.

Through time, i became overly jealous. I would look through his phone and was always living on edge. Oh, and the emotional and verbal abuse escalated. But I was on medication and I felt like i was the one with the problem and was convinced it was just “my depression.” He said that too.

Anyway, years go by.. we would fight and he would be verbally and emotionally abusive. Once my son was born it got worse. I was called “bitch”, “slut”, “motherfucker”, “stupid”,” etc., in front of my son many times.

When i look back, i realize he was the problem to my depression. But he always made it seem like it was my fault and I kept hoping for us to work out especially now that we had a son together.

It’s been only been a few months since the break up. The first few weeks he cussed me out because we got into a fight about him lying. He countered and said i had a fake disease (relating to my depression). I was at rock bottom. My work and school was affected. I have a degree and a teaching credential. I was VERY successful and loved working with children until I met this man.

I am slowly rebuilding my confidence so that I can be motivated to work. Looking back, I realize how much i loved him through all these years, how it was always about him. He chose the places we’d go to. I was a stay at home mom and we did everything he wanted to do.

When we exchange to see my son, i never know what to expect and my heart is always racing. When i try to resolve something, he turns into this 10 year old kid and i hear “what about me, “it’s always what you want.”

I am still trying to move on but i find myself really sad most of the time. I see families so happy together and i think, this could have been us. If only he got help. He once said to me, even if someone was to put a gun next to his head, he will never get help.

He plays a lot of mind games till this day. He still says things like “it’s your fault that we’re not together” or “you’re not in a relationship because your parents are divorced.”

It breaks my heart that we have a young child together and i keep thinking he will see the light and want to change especially for the sake of his son.

I have also converted to Christianity and have learned that God can do all things. How can God change a mentally sick person? This is where my faith is shaken at times. But I know that i pray for happiness and that God took him out of my life for a reason.

I am slowly realizing that I can do better and deserve someone who will never make me suffer. But I still think about him too much. I think of all the good times when I know there were so many more negative times.

I also wonder, how the hell can this man move on with his life so easily while I’m trying to pick up all the broken pieces of my heart. I am confident to say that i will never take him back. But i still obsess about him. After all the abuse i’ll think of his great qualities — he was a great dad…he was a great bf when he wanted to be …

And I think how he will treat his next girlfriend better…maybe i was just really jealous…maybe i should have let him have his freedom…

How can he be so cruel?…how can he let our family down? And the thought of him with another woman and him charming her keeps running through my head…

But then i realize.. after 6 years of dating. it was all a lie… he never loved me…and he makes me sick.

And i am sick to my stomach EVERYDAY knowing i won’t be able to spend 100% with my son.

How sad it is that he can easily move on and i am still so emotionally attached. I talk about my situation EVERY DAY! I am sure people at work are sick of it, but I can’t seem to just let it go.

Everyone says to let go…and I know I have to, but sometimes I just want to cave in at times and run back…but I know I can’t…and I won’t.