By PhoenixRising It’s hard when you finally realize what you’re dealing with, traumatic even. It’s easy to fall into a kind of self recriminating despair, when you realize just what kind of a person you had a child with and to whom you are sending your child when it’s their “turn” to have them. I hear it all the time. I see it online and in personal conversations – regret. It’s a demon all of us who are in this seemingly sinking boat have to wrestle with. If only we hadn’t…picked this guy or gal to be with, to have children with, to stay with, to fight for. If only we had picked a better parent – hell, just someone who was a regular human being, someone who had the potential and willingness to work on parenting skills. Not talking about perfection here. And we’re right! Life would be better. Life is always better without the twisted energies of narcissism. Still… You know what? You just have to focus on the positive. Really. If you’re going to be any good to that precious child, those precious children, you better. What’s done is done, and here you are, and this is … Continue reading

Please Read First — Important

(New posts come after below this sticky post) DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG IN NO WAY DISPENSES ADVICE – LEGAL OR OTHERWISE. OPINIONS ARE SHARED AND BELONG TO EACH AUTHOR OR POSTER AND NOT NECESSARILY THE OWNER OF THIS BLOG. THIS BLOG IS OFFERED FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES AND FREEDOM OF SPEECH. READERS AND WRITERS OF THIS BLOG ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW THEY INTERPRET AND/OR ACT UPON ANY PUBLISHED MATERIALS HERE. Having said that, let me explain a bit further. Some self help sites are excellent sources of information and support Individuals are trained and licensed to offer timely professional help. Their approach is more one of objectivity and research based. That would not be me. Some of my insights will be right on. Some will be skewed by my perception and personal biases. I try to be fair, but I don’t claim to be objective, nor am I trained. Many self help sites are run by well-intentioned people, but some have their own issues That would be me. I was raised by narcissists and throughout my life surrounded myself by them. That has had an effect on me. This gives me insight from a personal perspective and I may validate some of … Continue reading

The depth of damage

It’s a kind of insanity, you know, to be involved with a narcissist. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself when you’re involved with one, and if anything, you fight like hell to keep him in your life. I never felt like I left him. I escaped. But with what? Oh, it took strength, courage, resourcefulness to leave. I give myself that. But what did I lose? Well, with children, a lot. Let’s say my relationship with them, while I was focusing all my energy on the N and being devoured – oh, like only a major portion of their childhood, as in most of it. How about my sexuality? In our relationship, sex was a big thing. For me it was an expression of love, sacred. I adored him, and there was nothing wrong that we could do together as an expression of our love – two consenting adults giving freely and openly to each other. Only, to him it wasn’t about love. It was about self pleasure, control, power, opportunities to feed his ego, to brag to friends and acquaintances and strangers, play by play. It’s been almost 20 years since we first met, since that usury … Continue reading

Dealing with the girlfriend

So she started off sweet. My daughter really liked her. Her dad’s girlfriend was nice she said. Most important, she took the heat off her. My daughter didn’t dread so much having to go to her dad’s. I was happy for my dd, happy for me. With him getting his supply elsewhere, it made things a little easier for me. Most of all, I was happy that there was someone else to take pressure off of my dd. But I did tell her, no matter how nice the girlfriend was, to make sure she not share any of her real feelings about her dad with Girlfriend. I told her as nice as this Girlfriend might be to her, Girlfriend’s main relationship was not with DD. It was with her N-dad. Girlfriend’s priority was to her relationship with DD’s father and her own needs. She would not hesitate – either innocently or self-servingly – to divulge any secrets DD told her, especially those that did not flatter DD’s father, to N-Dad. Because of what her father is like and what he is, I advised DD to exercise caution in what she confided about her father to Girlfriend. Whether this telling arose … Continue reading

How a narcissist “let’s” you choose

“Do you want A or B?”, the narcissist asks. He wants you to choose “A”. It’s what he really wants to do. You’re supposed to know this, and if you’ve been with a narcissist for a while, you’ve been trained to give what he wants. Or perhaps you’re just a generous person, and he knows if you know he wants something, you’ll want him to have it out of the goodness of your heart. So you choose “A”, for whatever reason. Doesn’t matter. The narcissist gets what he wants. Or maybe it’s a non-choice, because the narcissist really doesn’t care, but he asks, because he gets to say he respects you and asks you your opinion, even if he knows it’s only about things that don’t matter to him. But what if you don’t choose what he wants? What if you give the wrong answer? You choose “B”. Maybe it’s what you really wanted. Maybe you really thought he was giving you a choice (silly girl), and actually told him what you wanted. Maybe you don’t give in to him this time, because you’re tired of always giving in or you truly believe this is the best choice. It doesn’t … Continue reading

Brilliant Move Spotlight-1

So I’m thinking, how about a “Brilliant Move Spotlight” day? I’ll share my narcissist’s Brilliant Move, and anyone who’s inspired, can share theirs. Ready? Drum roll please…. He snipped the dog in five places when he trimmed back her coat. He’s not a groomer. He is an asshole. Most were small in diameter, but obvious cuts, snips – not scrapes. But one was so large, it was a good half inch across – on her chest, where there really wasn’t anywhere near as much hair to cut as the other areas of her body. Now, to give a dog that close a haircut, to where you’d go down to the skin, you’d use a shaver. Not scissors. But he used scissors. Brilliant Move. You’d think he’d stop after the first time she bled. Maybe by the second or third time, he’d realize that gee whiz, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. And I can’t believe she’d just lie there all relaxed, while he’s cutting her skin with scissors. He had to have held her down – asserting his dominance, no doubt. Because of course, she was defying him – not reacting to anything wrong he might have been doing! … Continue reading

Judgmental Girlfriends

Okay, I’m sure she’s heard all kinds of bad stuff about me. I’m sure she blames me for him not being able to make a commitment/get closer/trust her completely. It’s my fault, you see. Just like it was that girlfriend before me, and the one before her. And I’m sure that he not only holds me out as the reason for his crippled emotional state, but that he uses me to keep her on her toes, through comparison and jealousy. She’ll never be able to quite live up to whatever standard I represent…just like I wasn’t able to quite compete with those before (or concurrent, at the time). Because that’s what a narcissist does. Use people. Manipulate them. Pull their strings. Work on their self-doubts and needs, all to his advantage and amusement. But how about some civility for crying out loud? I mean, is it too much to actually speak on the phone when you call…when you’re asked to call? I’ve always acknowledged this girl. I’ve remembered her at my daughter’s art exhibits. Even bought her and her own child their tickets. But my Ex’s girlfriend can be in the same room, and not once acknowledge me. It’s always … Continue reading