Trying to hold on for the children

This is inspired by Survivor’s post, when she had a realization her ex was a narcissist and she left him five years later after trying to hold on for the children. How many of us do that? The intention is good, even noble. But is it really better for the children? I hear this over and over. I’ve done it. Only I didn’t get out after five years. My two oldest lived a major part of their childhood under the influence of my narcissistic partner. I didn’t leave until after they had both graduated from high school. My youngest with the ex was just entering school age. None of them escaped unscathed. But there’s a difference. My youngest still has to contend with the N, but she has a safe place to go. My oldest two didn’t. The youngest will have issues to deal with BUT she has more of herself. I fear for one of my oldest. In holding on for our children, I guess the question would be just what is it are we holding on to? What’s the reality of it? How much we are fighting for is real and how much is fantasy – of what … Continue reading

Narcissists aren’t just men

You know, I’ve read that people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are more often than not men. I’m not convinced of that. For one, people with NPD are the last people on earth who would willingly allow themselves to be diagnosed. I mean why bother diagnosing perfection? So how would you know? Maybe there are more men diagnosed with NPD, because more women are willing to seek help, perhaps drag their reluctant spouses/boyfriends in, so male NPD’s wind up in front of a doctor to be analyzed in the first place, where women narcissist are more able to avoid analysis. Maybe women are just culturally and naturally perceived as empathic. Lack of empathy is hallmark of narcissism. Her empathic behavior (which every good narcissist can step into at the drop of a hat) isn’t questioned, because it’s automatically accepted on face value. She’s less likely to be seen or suspected as a narcissist even if she is. Narcissists can DO empathy. They know what it looks like. They know how they are supposed to appear attentive, repeat or rephrase what you say, look straight into your eyes and make you feel visible. Many people who first meet a narcissist believe … Continue reading

Regrets

By PhoenixRising It’s hard when you finally realize what you’re dealing with, traumatic even. It’s easy to fall into a kind of self recriminating despair, when you realize just what kind of a person you had a child with and to whom you are sending your child when it’s their “turn” to have them. I hear it all the time. I see it online and in personal conversations – regret. It’s a demon all of us who are in this seemingly sinking boat have to wrestle with. If only we hadn’t…picked this guy or gal to be with, to have children with, to stay with, to fight for. If only we had picked a better parent – hell, just someone who was a regular human being, someone who had the potential and willingness to work on parenting skills. Not talking about perfection here. And we’re right! Life would be better. Life is always better without the twisted energies of narcissism. Still… You know what? You just have to focus on the positive. Really. If you’re going to be any good to that precious child, those precious children, you better. What’s done is done, and here you are, and this is … Continue reading

Please Read First — Important

(New posts come after below this sticky post) DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG IN NO WAY DISPENSES ADVICE – LEGAL OR OTHERWISE. OPINIONS ARE SHARED AND BELONG TO EACH AUTHOR OR POSTER AND NOT NECESSARILY THE OWNER OF THIS BLOG. THIS BLOG IS OFFERED FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES AND FREEDOM OF SPEECH. READERS AND WRITERS OF THIS BLOG ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW THEY INTERPRET AND/OR ACT UPON ANY PUBLISHED MATERIALS HERE. Having said that, let me explain a bit further. Some self help sites are excellent sources of information and support Individuals are trained and licensed to offer timely professional help. Their approach is more one of objectivity and research based. That would not be me. Some of my insights will be right on. Some will be skewed by my perception and personal biases. I try to be fair, but I don’t claim to be objective, nor am I trained. Many self help sites are run by well-intentioned people, but some have their own issues That would be me. I was raised by narcissists and throughout my life surrounded myself by them. That has had an effect on me. This gives me insight from a personal perspective and I may validate some of … Continue reading

The depth of damage

It’s a kind of insanity, you know, to be involved with a narcissist. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself when you’re involved with one, and if anything, you fight like hell to keep him in your life. I never felt like I left him. I escaped. But with what? Oh, it took strength, courage, resourcefulness to leave. I give myself that. But what did I lose? Well, with children, a lot. Let’s say my relationship with them, while I was focusing all my energy on the N and being devoured – oh, like only a major portion of their childhood, as in most of it. How about my sexuality? In our relationship, sex was a big thing. For me it was an expression of love, sacred. I adored him, and there was nothing wrong that we could do together as an expression of our love – two consenting adults giving freely and openly to each other. Only, to him it wasn’t about love. It was about self pleasure, control, power, opportunities to feed his ego, to brag to friends and acquaintances and strangers, play by play. It’s been almost 20 years since we first met, since that usury … Continue reading

Dealing with the girlfriend

So she started off sweet. My daughter really liked her. Her dad’s girlfriend was nice she said. Most important, she took the heat off her. My daughter didn’t dread so much having to go to her dad’s. I was happy for my dd, happy for me. With him getting his supply elsewhere, it made things a little easier for me. Most of all, I was happy that there was someone else to take pressure off of my dd. But I did tell her, no matter how nice the girlfriend was, to make sure she not share any of her real feelings about her dad with Girlfriend. I told her as nice as this Girlfriend might be to her, Girlfriend’s main relationship was not with DD. It was with her N-dad. Girlfriend’s priority was to her relationship with DD’s father and her own needs. She would not hesitate – either innocently or self-servingly – to divulge any secrets DD told her, especially those that did not flatter DD’s father, to N-Dad. Because of what her father is like and what he is, I advised DD to exercise caution in what she confided about her father to Girlfriend. Whether this telling arose … Continue reading

How a narcissist “let’s” you choose

“Do you want A or B?”, the narcissist asks. He wants you to choose “A”. It’s what he really wants to do. You’re supposed to know this, and if you’ve been with a narcissist for a while, you’ve been trained to give what he wants. Or perhaps you’re just a generous person, and he knows if you know he wants something, you’ll want him to have it out of the goodness of your heart. So you choose “A”, for whatever reason. Doesn’t matter. The narcissist gets what he wants. Or maybe it’s a non-choice, because the narcissist really doesn’t care, but he asks, because he gets to say he respects you and asks you your opinion, even if he knows it’s only about things that don’t matter to him. But what if you don’t choose what he wants? What if you give the wrong answer? You choose “B”. Maybe it’s what you really wanted. Maybe you really thought he was giving you a choice (silly girl), and actually told him what you wanted. Maybe you don’t give in to him this time, because you’re tired of always giving in or you truly believe this is the best choice. It doesn’t … Continue reading