Parenting with a Narcissist

It’s a kind of insanity, you know, to be involved with a narcissist. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself when you’re involved with one, and if anything, you fight like hell to keep him in your life.

I never felt like I left him. I escaped.

But with what? Oh, it took strength, courage, resourcefulness to leave. I give myself that. But what did I lose?

Well, with children, a lot. Let’s say my relationship with them, while I was focusing all my energy on the N and being devoured – oh, like only a major portion of their childhood, as in most of it.

How about my sexuality? In our relationship, sex was a big thing. For me it was an expression of love, sacred. I adored him, and there was nothing wrong that we could do together as an expression of our love – two consenting adults giving freely and openly to each other.

Only, to him it wasn’t about love. It was about self pleasure, control, power, opportunities to feed his ego, to brag to friends and acquaintances and strangers, play by play.

It’s been almost 20 years since we first met, since that usury began, masquerading behind labels, like girlfriend and wife, but still the same careless, heartless usury. And only now, am I able to type it…first time…and it hurts still, deep inside the shame wells up. Well, it’s a start toward healing, I guess.

But I wonder, do we ever heal? Is there a place that is just so ravaged, that there’s no moving on? I don’t know.

I just know he took something from me, that while I do the best I can as a mother, and grow in that area as never before with greater strength and understanding, there is a part of me that is missing.

It is broken, and I fear there is a capacity to trust that I once had that will never return.

And that is sad.

So she started off sweet. My daughter really liked her. Her dad’s girlfriend was nice she said. Most important, she took the heat off her. My daughter didn’t dread so much having to go to her dad’s.

I was happy for my dd, happy for me. With him getting his supply elsewhere, it made things a little easier for me. Most of all, I was happy that there was someone else to take pressure off of my dd.

But I did tell her, no matter how nice the girlfriend was, to make sure she not share any of her real feelings about her dad with Girlfriend. I told her as nice as this Girlfriend might be to her, Girlfriend’s main relationship was not with DD. It was with her N-dad. Girlfriend’s priority was to her relationship with DD’s father and her own needs.

She would not hesitate – either innocently or self-servingly – to divulge any secrets DD told her, especially those that did not flatter DD’s father, to N-Dad. Because of what her father is like and what he is, I advised DD to exercise caution in what she confided about her father to Girlfriend.

Whether this telling arose out of misguided loyalty or conniving tattling, the end result would be the same. DD would have to face the consequences from her N-Dad.

This is not a normal situation where a concerned parent might use such information to open lines of communication, to resolve any misunderstanding. A narcissist finding out their child is speaking ill of them to another is a fearsome and frightening sight. It is a punishing experience I would spare any child.

DD wholeheartedly agree. She had already sensed it was not safe to do that. It was okay, she said. She knew she could always talk to me about problems she had with N-Dad.

Over time, DD began to see sides to Girlfriend that concerned her. She saw signs that Girlfriend was not above tattling on her or getting strokes from N-Dad at her expense. But something happened recently that made DD really realize what she’s dealing with with Girlfriend. This past weekend Girlfriend not only got DD in trouble with N-Dad, by telling N-Dad DD had done something disrespectful to Girlfriend, when DD hadn’t, but DD actually saw Girlfriend standing there smiling, while N-Dad yelled at DD for it.

She said it made her blood turn cold.

I was not surprised. I saw this other side of Girlfriend earlier, saw pieces of her real character or lack of it, in other situations. I knew this would happen to DD. But I had to let DD find out for herself. It was only a matter of time, and that time happened.

DD is getting older. She’s beautiful. That, in and of itself, can cause problems with an insecure woman. And if you weren’t insecure before you became involved with a narcissist, you will be. Desperate people do desperate things. Now, I’m not blaming everything on N. Girlfriend has to take some responsibility for her choices and behavior, too. But, even with the most integrity filled person, if you’re involved with an N, you will become desperate, especially for validation – even if it’s at the expense of others…like a child.

N-Dad chewing out DD for Girlfriend was a feast for Girlfriend, a fleeting piece of proof that N loves her, cares about her. Made her feel special. Gave her a sense of vindication.

She won’t stop there. She’ll want more.

She’s an abuser, too.

DD was upset, angry. I said don’t waste your time holding a grudge towards Girlfriend. Be angry, because that’s real. Speak it, because you need to. Release it, because you deserve to. But know that N-Dad will more than punish her – maybe not for DD’s sake, certainly for his own gratification and his own reasons, but being with N-Dad is its own punishment. Girlfriend will get more than what she dishes out to DD.

I told DD just be mindful of herself when with those two. And know that she doesn’t have to stay there forever. It’s Girlfriend who is trapped in this game. DD already has one foot out the door, because she has self-awareness.

Yeah, it gets me mad. But that’s what she has to deal with. And she knows when she’s with me, she can be with real people who truly love and respect her. She can be safe. She can know the difference. And she can make a better choice for herself when she’s a woman, than I did.

“Do you want A or B?”, the narcissist asks.

He wants you to choose “A”. It’s what he really wants to do. You’re supposed to know this, and if you’ve been with a narcissist for a while, you’ve been trained to give what he wants. Or perhaps you’re just a generous person, and he knows if you know he wants something, you’ll want him to have it out of the goodness of your heart.

So you choose “A”, for whatever reason. Doesn’t matter. The narcissist gets what he wants. Or maybe it’s a non-choice, because the narcissist really doesn’t care, but he asks, because he gets to say he respects you and asks you your opinion, even if he knows it’s only about things that don’t matter to him.

But what if you don’t choose what he wants? What if you give the wrong answer?

You choose “B”. Maybe it’s what you really wanted. Maybe you really thought he was giving you a choice (silly girl), and actually told him what you wanted. Maybe you don’t give in to him this time, because you’re tired of always giving in or you truly believe this is the best choice. It doesn’t matter.

The narcissist doesn’t get to do what he wants. And that’s a bad thing.

He’s furious. Now he shows his real side. He may start off being passive aggressive. Perhaps he starts with cajoling, gently guiding you to the “right choice”, because you were too stupid to figure it out on your own. If this doesn’t work he will try harder. He’ll argue with you. His resentment starts to show (how can you even think about depriving him?)

If you still don’t get it, you better duck, because he’s going to blow. He’ll punish you. Somehow, he will turn it, and you’ll find yourself defending yourself against abusing him. (How do you always get into this position, girl? Oh wait, you’re involved with a narcissist.)

And then after he’s done, and you’ve gone from feeling special because he’s asking you what you want, to feeling like shit, because you’ve just been ripped a new one, he’ll go right ahead and do what he wants…just like he had always intended. And feel very self righteous about it, because you were so mean to deprive him in the first place.

Of course there are variations in this, but the basic elements are there. Narcissists are great about respecting your right to choose – as long as it’s about nothing important to them or you make the right choice…theirs.

So I’m thinking, how about a “Brilliant Move Spotlight” day?

I’ll share my narcissist’s Brilliant Move, and anyone who’s inspired, can share theirs.

Ready? Drum roll please….

He snipped the dog in five places when he trimmed back her coat. He’s not a groomer. He is an asshole.

Most were small in diameter, but obvious cuts, snips – not scrapes. But one was so large, it was a good half inch across – on her chest, where there really wasn’t anywhere near as much hair to cut as the other areas of her body.

Now, to give a dog that close a haircut, to where you’d go down to the skin, you’d use a shaver. Not scissors. But he used scissors.

Brilliant Move.

You’d think he’d stop after the first time she bled. Maybe by the second or third time, he’d realize that gee whiz, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

And I can’t believe she’d just lie there all relaxed, while he’s cutting her skin with scissors. He had to have held her down – asserting his dominance, no doubt. Because of course, she was defying him – not reacting to anything wrong he might have been doing!

He continued until he snipped off a chunk of her skin so big not even he could deny the stuff flowing from her chest was blood.

When I went to pick up my daughter, and got the dog, he explained to me it was so hot he wanted to make her cooler, and he didn’t realize he snipped her until he saw her chest. This was done without my daughter present, and after he was done with her, he told my daughter not to touch her. Presumably so she wouldn’t freak out when she saw the bleeding.

Oh, did I tell you he did that once to my daughter as well? Yup. She had a bandaid on her she couldn’t pull off. So he pulled up on the bandaid and where it was stuck, he took a pair of scissors – a regular freaking pair of scissors and cut the bandaid off her skin. Which worked great. The bandaid came off – with a piece of skin. She jumped and screamed. He said “What???” with annoyance, and then she showed him her bleeding arm.

Brilliant Move!

If he was too stupid to realize ahead of time that you don’t use scissors to separate tape from skin, that we’re not talking about surgical precision instruments here under the microscope, and if he can’t remember that another bandaid he was supposed to keep on her had slipped off, because he used too much gel, then you’d think he’d finally learn from the sight of blood from his own child’s arm…

Not to do this to a little dog, not to get too close to skin with a pair of scissors, which he should not be allowed anywhere near!

But you can’t tell him anything. He will insist on his way. He was defensive when he handed the dog over. And I knew – I knew that if I yelled at him and told him not to get anywhere near the dog with scissors again he’d be right at it the next time he got her. Because…

YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

I suggested, perhaps next time, we should take her to the groomer.

That little dog shivered in my arms the entire first night I had her. I had a light blanket around her, as she’s always a little freaky, when I thin her hair out a bit in the summer. She has sensitive skin and is used to having a heavy coat, so it’s hard for her to adjust feeling air on her skin – never mind pain.

She’s better now.

I’m not.

Okay, I’m sure she’s heard all kinds of bad stuff about me. I’m sure she blames me for him not being able to make a commitment/get closer/trust her completely. It’s my fault, you see. Just like it was that girlfriend before me, and the one before her.

And I’m sure that he not only holds me out as the reason for his crippled emotional state, but that he uses me to keep her on her toes, through comparison and jealousy. She’ll never be able to quite live up to whatever standard I represent…just like I wasn’t able to quite compete with those before (or concurrent, at the time).

Because that’s what a narcissist does. Use people. Manipulate them. Pull their strings. Work on their self-doubts and needs, all to his advantage and amusement.

But how about some civility for crying out loud?

I mean, is it too much to actually speak on the phone when you call…when you’re asked to call?

I’ve always acknowledged this girl. I’ve remembered her at my daughter’s art exhibits. Even bought her and her own child their tickets. But my Ex’s girlfriend can be in the same room, and not once acknowledge me. It’s always me, first, who will say hello to her. But I feel it’s because it’s just too obviously rude to not say hello back. Her dislike of me is palpable on her face.

So today, I call, as requested by my Ex, to set up a time for drop off. (That’s something I need to look at.) She picks up the phone, says hello. I greet her by name, and make a friendly comment. I wait for her to comment back.

Silence. Did the line go dead? I don’t hear a sound. Then my Ex is on the phone.

She just handed the phone over to him, without so much as a word to me.

You know, I don’t mean her ill. My daughter likes her, and that’s all that’s important.

But it’s days like this, when I get treated with undeserved disrespect that I find myself feeling like I just had it. I mean, I’ve never been ignorant to ex-girlfriends, and even those who were trying to hit on my N, I never went out of my way to be ignorant…to the point where that was taken advantage of, more than a few times.

But just because I have learned to be more self-respectful, and am better at drawing boundaries, doesn’t mean I spit at people from across them. I just don’t understand this kind of rude behavior.

Then I am reminded that no matter how she treats me it’s small beans compared to how he is and will be treating her.

I don’t need to get worked up about it. If she wants to judge me on his behalf, and if she wants to take that judgment to justify treating me meanly – whatever. My daughter is happy. I’m happy.

I’ll just have to not set myself up to give her opportunities to be ignorant. That’s all.

As for her? Her own ignorance will come back to haunt her. I know. Mine did.