Parenting with a Narcissist

This is inspired by Survivor’s post, when she had a realization her ex was a narcissist and she left him five years later after trying to hold on for the children.

How many of us do that? The intention is good, even noble. But is it really better for the children? I hear this over and over. I’ve done it. Only I didn’t get out after five years. My two oldest lived a major part of their childhood under the influence of my narcissistic partner. I didn’t leave until after they had both graduated from high school. My youngest with the ex was just entering school age.

None of them escaped unscathed. But there’s a difference. My youngest still has to contend with the N, but she has a safe place to go. My oldest two didn’t. The youngest will have issues to deal with BUT she has more of herself. I fear for one of my oldest.

In holding on for our children, I guess the question would be just what is it are we holding on to?

What’s the reality of it? How much we are fighting for is real and how much is fantasy – of what it could be, should be if only…we did this or that or…would be if he just hadn’t had a bad day, a relapse in judgment…?

You know, we read about Don Quixote fighting windmills thinking they’re dragons. Well, what about protecting a pile of manure thinking it’s gold?

I’m not talking about just getting bored here or growing apart or personality differences. I’m not supporting throw-away relationships and I don’t believe in disposable relationships. Yes, there is a commitment when you enter into life long relationships. Yes, you shouldn’t just think about yourself when you have children. If you can make it work, then make it work.

What we’re talking about are the really abusive, insidiously manipulative, crazy-making narcissistic relationships. When the agenda of your partner isn’t creating a relationship, a family, a home, but consuming them.

With the exception of getting a beautiful daughter out of the deal, it was a huge mistake with life long consequences on my two oldest to stay with this man. If I had been smart like Survivor, and left even after five years, I would have escaped with still two very young adolescents and a beautiful baby. And that time would have been significant.

Children learn through what is modeled for them. Yes, some kids have the wherewithal to learn other behavior, to consciously choose to do differently, but it’s a HUGE burden you place on them. And you’re taking a big chance with their lives.

How many people can identify with the “I’ll never do that when I grow up…” assertion, and find themselves imitating their parents to the letter? And these aren’t even destructive behaviors, just mannerisms, odd habits, using the same tone of voice when scolding or giving the same lectures.

Then how much more with the abusive dynamics and emotional trauma of being with a narcissistic person – an adult, your parent or parent figure who is suppose to take care of you but is an emotional bully, monster, parasite, user?

Do you really want to sit back years from now and see those same narcissistic traits unfold in your beautiful children? Or watch them struggle as they walk in your same footsteps and pick losers and abusers to put them through what you went through?

Not a given they will. They could deal with their wounds and overcome them with empowerment. But do you want them to have to expend the time and energy to overcome, when they could be using that energy for other things?

Look at that beautiful child full in the face, look deep into his or her eyes, and tell that beautiful soul that they’re worth the gamble, that you’re willing to take that gamble with their lives, their happiness for Mr or Ms Narcissist.

If you’re going to hold on to something make sure it’s worth it.

Narcissists aren’t.

By PhoenixRising

It’s hard when you finally realize what you’re dealing with, traumatic even.

It’s easy to fall into a kind of self recriminating despair, when you realize just what kind of a person you had a child with and to whom you are sending your child when it’s their “turn” to have them.

I hear it all the time. I see it online and in personal conversations – regret. It’s a demon all of us who are in this seemingly sinking boat have to wrestle with. If only we hadn’t…picked this guy or gal to be with, to have children with, to stay with, to fight for.

If only we had picked a better parent – hell, just someone who was a regular human being, someone who had the potential and willingness to work on parenting skills. Not talking about perfection here.

And we’re right! Life would be better. Life is always better without the twisted energies of narcissism.

Still…

You know what? You just have to focus on the positive. Really. If you’re going to be any good to that precious child, those precious children, you better.

What’s done is done, and here you are, and this is what you have to deal with. So what are you going to do?

First, be grateful and be glad. Because the fact that you can even see this ugly picture is the reason you’re going to make it. Your denial and confusion was your narcissist’s greatest ally. Knowledge and awareness is yours.

It’s the reason you are going to minimize the negative impact on yourself and your children. It’s the reason you’re going to turn whatever negative impact there is around and enable your children to turn that impact around into something that will work for them and strengthen your relationship with each other in the process.

No matter how long it takes…

Remember that. Hold on to that. There will be some days it’s all you’ll have.

No, it’s not a pretty picture. But without the blinders and with the fog lifting from countless gaslighting and deception, you are armed with what narcissists fear the most – a clear view.

You are no longer blind. Makes you a harder target and a better protector for both you and your children. You’re a parent on a mission, not crazy, no longer traveling in circles.

Let your vision help you to see your way. You got a long road to travel. Travel light.

Leave your regrets behind with the delusions of what you once thought you had. Neither serve you well.

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It’s a kind of insanity, you know, to be involved with a narcissist. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself when you’re involved with one, and if anything, you fight like hell to keep him in your life.

I never felt like I left him. I escaped.

But with what? Oh, it took strength, courage, resourcefulness to leave. I give myself that. But what did I lose?

Well, with children, a lot. Let’s say my relationship with them, while I was focusing all my energy on the N and being devoured – oh, like only a major portion of their childhood, as in most of it.

How about my sexuality? In our relationship, sex was a big thing. For me it was an expression of love, sacred. I adored him, and there was nothing wrong that we could do together as an expression of our love – two consenting adults giving freely and openly to each other.

Only, to him it wasn’t about love. It was about self pleasure, control, power, opportunities to feed his ego, to brag to friends and acquaintances and strangers, play by play.

It’s been almost 20 years since we first met, since that usury began, masquerading behind labels, like girlfriend and wife, but still the same careless, heartless usury. And only now, am I able to type it…first time…and it hurts still, deep inside the shame wells up. Well, it’s a start toward healing, I guess.

But I wonder, do we ever heal? Is there a place that is just so ravaged, that there’s no moving on? I don’t know.

I just know he took something from me, that while I do the best I can as a mother, and grow in that area as never before with greater strength and understanding, there is a part of me that is missing.

It is broken, and I fear there is a capacity to trust that I once had that will never return.

And that is sad.

So she started off sweet. My daughter really liked her. Her dad’s girlfriend was nice she said. Most important, she took the heat off her. My daughter didn’t dread so much having to go to her dad’s.

I was happy for my dd, happy for me. With him getting his supply elsewhere, it made things a little easier for me. Most of all, I was happy that there was someone else to take pressure off of my dd.

But I did tell her, no matter how nice the girlfriend was, to make sure she not share any of her real feelings about her dad with Girlfriend. I told her as nice as this Girlfriend might be to her, Girlfriend’s main relationship was not with DD. It was with her N-dad. Girlfriend’s priority was to her relationship with DD’s father and her own needs.

She would not hesitate – either innocently or self-servingly – to divulge any secrets DD told her, especially those that did not flatter DD’s father, to N-Dad. Because of what her father is like and what he is, I advised DD to exercise caution in what she confided about her father to Girlfriend.

Whether this telling arose out of misguided loyalty or conniving tattling, the end result would be the same. DD would have to face the consequences from her N-Dad.

This is not a normal situation where a concerned parent might use such information to open lines of communication, to resolve any misunderstanding. A narcissist finding out their child is speaking ill of them to another is a fearsome and frightening sight. It is a punishing experience I would spare any child.

DD wholeheartedly agree. She had already sensed it was not safe to do that. It was okay, she said. She knew she could always talk to me about problems she had with N-Dad.

Over time, DD began to see sides to Girlfriend that concerned her. She saw signs that Girlfriend was not above tattling on her or getting strokes from N-Dad at her expense. But something happened recently that made DD really realize what she’s dealing with with Girlfriend. This past weekend Girlfriend not only got DD in trouble with N-Dad, by telling N-Dad DD had done something disrespectful to Girlfriend, when DD hadn’t, but DD actually saw Girlfriend standing there smiling, while N-Dad yelled at DD for it.

She said it made her blood turn cold.

I was not surprised. I saw this other side of Girlfriend earlier, saw pieces of her real character or lack of it, in other situations. I knew this would happen to DD. But I had to let DD find out for herself. It was only a matter of time, and that time happened.

DD is getting older. She’s beautiful. That, in and of itself, can cause problems with an insecure woman. And if you weren’t insecure before you became involved with a narcissist, you will be. Desperate people do desperate things. Now, I’m not blaming everything on N. Girlfriend has to take some responsibility for her choices and behavior, too. But, even with the most integrity filled person, if you’re involved with an N, you will become desperate, especially for validation – even if it’s at the expense of others…like a child.

N-Dad chewing out DD for Girlfriend was a feast for Girlfriend, a fleeting piece of proof that N loves her, cares about her. Made her feel special. Gave her a sense of vindication.

She won’t stop there. She’ll want more.

She’s an abuser, too.

DD was upset, angry. I said don’t waste your time holding a grudge towards Girlfriend. Be angry, because that’s real. Speak it, because you need to. Release it, because you deserve to. But know that N-Dad will more than punish her – maybe not for DD’s sake, certainly for his own gratification and his own reasons, but being with N-Dad is its own punishment. Girlfriend will get more than what she dishes out to DD.

I told DD just be mindful of herself when with those two. And know that she doesn’t have to stay there forever. It’s Girlfriend who is trapped in this game. DD already has one foot out the door, because she has self-awareness.

Yeah, it gets me mad. But that’s what she has to deal with. And she knows when she’s with me, she can be with real people who truly love and respect her. She can be safe. She can know the difference. And she can make a better choice for herself when she’s a woman, than I did.