Parenting with a Narcissist

No matter how sweet, no matter how caring or sensitive or kind or loving your little ones, if you bring a narcissist into your life, he will most certainly make an impact on all your children. And some will follow in his footsteps.

He is a role model. He shows your children how to treat you, and you show them what to put up with. You think you’re in pain now? You think the Narcissist is breaking your heart?

Wait till you see what your children – the ones who did not escape, the ones who finally succumb to daily doses, mega doses of selfishness, projection, manipulation and abuse – wait till you see what they can do to you. How they can rip your heart out.

Remember how delighted you were when you heard the first “mama” or “dada”? Wait till you hear fuck you, and not even coming from a thoughtless loudmouth teenager who slips and realizes with horror what he had done, but a young adult who feels totally justified, ready with excuses and reasons why. Ready to damn you for making him angry in the first place, because it was your fault to expect him to be clearer in what he was saying and had the audacity to tell him how you felt.

Wait till you sit stunned, looking at the face of your dear baby boy, no longer a baby, no longer dear, looking past a face you no longer recognize, but staring at a look you know all too well – the one that thing, that “N” wore when he was tearing into you, angry, self righteous, justified, ever bit sure that you deserve this emotional beating and blaming you for causing it – that look now on the face of your dear baby boy, no longer baby, no longer dear.

Do you think you love him, the N? Is he really worth hanging on, fighting for his love?

Snap out of it! Look at that child now, that beautiful baby boy. Are you really going to sacrifice him? Because if you stay with someone as sick as a narcissist, you murder your children – a little at a time, partially, or completely.

Then it won’t be a matter of whether they ever forgive you. But whether you can ever forgive yourself.

I found a book that seems to help me focus and give some assist in dealing with people with Personality Disorders:

Say Goodbye to Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individuals): Recognize People Who Make You Miserable and Eliminate Them from Your Life for Good! by Stan Kapuchinski M.D.

I find if I read the suggestions in the book on what to do before I have an encounter with the NPD ex it helps me script out situations so I am not suckered into another emotionally draining situation.

Hopefully this will help you, as well.

I am so happy to have found this blog.

I am a father of a three and half year old daughter who i love more than anything. After a six month fling with my daughter’s narcissist mother, who is English, my life has been a surrealist kafkaesque thing for these four years – made more strange by living half of the time in England where my daughter was born.

I have been in court with the mom for two years, and am deeply in debt. The British court supports mothers to an extent that is painful and absurd. The United Kingdom keeps more children from their fathers than any other jurisdiction in the western world.

The four and five month periods in which my daughter’s mother simply would not communicate with me are not only not punished, but condoned to an extent that they are not even acknowledged.

To add to the drama, I have been warned that any criticism of the British court could mean even less contact than the 11 hours a week i am now granted with my daughter. The standard is so low in England, many simply don’t understand my sense of injustice or my concern for my daughter being denied a full relationship with her dad.

The narcissist mom has done everything she can to prevent me from having a real relationship, including keeping my name off of my daughter’s birth certificate, which prevents me from having a visa to live and work in the UK and be close to my daughter.

She puts this pit in my stomach like no one else, just the sense that I will be violated again and again, and i can not walk away because my daughter so badly needs me. I will survive…

I have done so so far, but god it is hard. There is no communication…..no justice….nothing fair….she has charmed the child agency, CAFCASS woman and the parenting assessment woman, to a point that they are condescending toward me and dismissive of my concern the mother has a personality disorder.

She has lied to the court that I have sexually molested my daughter. She just this week fired a nanny because the nanny reported that I am a loving father and that my daughter clearly loves me.

The potential for insanity is all around. What a tricky narrow path! Anger and reaction only complicate and worsen things. How do you accept and work with injustice to make it more livable?

How?

Can someone who has no empathy for other human beings develop empathy?

How can my precious daughter not be harmed by this?

I guess as I have read, things must move in tiny increments. But what a drain to everything I am and was….

How badly I must find myself again…and find ways of protecting myself

This is inspired by Survivor’s post, when she had a realization her ex was a narcissist and she left him five years later after trying to hold on for the children.

How many of us do that? The intention is good, even noble. But is it really better for the children? I hear this over and over. I’ve done it. Only I didn’t get out after five years. My two oldest lived a major part of their childhood under the influence of my narcissistic partner. I didn’t leave until after they had both graduated from high school. My youngest with the ex was just entering school age.

None of them escaped unscathed. But there’s a difference. My youngest still has to contend with the N, but she has a safe place to go. My oldest two didn’t. The youngest will have issues to deal with BUT she has more of herself. I fear for one of my oldest.

In holding on for our children, I guess the question would be just what is it are we holding on to?

What’s the reality of it? How much we are fighting for is real and how much is fantasy – of what it could be, should be if only…we did this or that or…would be if he just hadn’t had a bad day, a relapse in judgment…?

You know, we read about Don Quixote fighting windmills thinking they’re dragons. Well, what about protecting a pile of manure thinking it’s gold?

I’m not talking about just getting bored here or growing apart or personality differences. I’m not supporting throw-away relationships and I don’t believe in disposable relationships. Yes, there is a commitment when you enter into life long relationships. Yes, you shouldn’t just think about yourself when you have children. If you can make it work, then make it work.

What we’re talking about are the really abusive, insidiously manipulative, crazy-making narcissistic relationships. When the agenda of your partner isn’t creating a relationship, a family, a home, but consuming them.

With the exception of getting a beautiful daughter out of the deal, it was a huge mistake with life long consequences on my two oldest to stay with this man. If I had been smart like Survivor, and left even after five years, I would have escaped with still two very young adolescents and a beautiful baby. And that time would have been significant.

Children learn through what is modeled for them. Yes, some kids have the wherewithal to learn other behavior, to consciously choose to do differently, but it’s a HUGE burden you place on them. And you’re taking a big chance with their lives.

How many people can identify with the “I’ll never do that when I grow up…” assertion, and find themselves imitating their parents to the letter? And these aren’t even destructive behaviors, just mannerisms, odd habits, using the same tone of voice when scolding or giving the same lectures.

Then how much more with the abusive dynamics and emotional trauma of being with a narcissistic person – an adult, your parent or parent figure who is suppose to take care of you but is an emotional bully, monster, parasite, user?

Do you really want to sit back years from now and see those same narcissistic traits unfold in your beautiful children? Or watch them struggle as they walk in your same footsteps and pick losers and abusers to put them through what you went through?

Not a given they will. They could deal with their wounds and overcome them with empowerment. But do you want them to have to expend the time and energy to overcome, when they could be using that energy for other things?

Look at that beautiful child full in the face, look deep into his or her eyes, and tell that beautiful soul that they’re worth the gamble, that you’re willing to take that gamble with their lives, their happiness for Mr or Ms Narcissist.

If you’re going to hold on to something make sure it’s worth it.

Narcissists aren’t.

By Survivor
extending a comment

My mother had a narcissistic mother. My mother had a great deal of anxiety and also put me down a lot when I was growing up.That is what was modeled for her in dealing with a daughter.

I always thought I had to improve myself not realizing the true issue at hand. With low self esteem, I was the perfect person for my NPD ex who I met at 19. I didn’t realize his put downs were put downs. Again I thought I needed to improve myself.

It wasn’t until my daughter was a baby that I realized what I had gotten myself into. My ex had gotten mad at me and did not acknowledge mother’s day because I was not worthy. In fact I wasn’t spoken to for about 2 months (literally). I was so heartbroken that I went to see a mental health person.

She asked me if I realized I was being abused and this was a form of domestic violence. That is when the lightbulb went off in my head. I left my ex 5 years after that trying to hold on for the children.

After I left my narcissistic husband, my parents wanted to talk to me. My parents wanted to know what had happened during my childhood to have picked such a destructive person to marry.

I knew dissecting every mental health issue I observed in their dealings with life would not be beneficial. I told my father that a 30 something year old blaming her parents for mistakes in life really wasn’t appropriate. I told them I knew I was an adult responsible for my actions and behaviors. My father said he didn’t know why I had always been so hard on myself even as a child.

I looked at my mother and told her that I knew her mother always put her down. I mentioned that there were many times she said things to me, even if not intentional, that were the same kind of things her mother would say to her. My father wanted to know these moments in time and I complied.

I mentioned how underweight I was as a child. My mother would always tell me my stomach stuck out and I needed to suck it in. When I finished this example, my mother said, “Well your stomach did stick out.”

I then mentioned another example. I was pregnant when I interviewed for a job. The competition was steep but I was the one chosen for the position. My mother’s compliment at the time was, “You must of interviewed well because no one would hire you looking that big.” When I finished explaining this example, my mother’s comment was, “But you were very big.”

I realized at that moment she would never be able to empathize with my situations in life and somehow my father fed into this dynamic. I did have a choice not to be a product of this environment. I had to accept my family for who they were and realize that I would never obtain the validation I so desperately sought. They would never tell me things were ok.

I had to look into myself to find it and surround myself with others that would support me.