About PhoenixRising

Singer/songwriter, human rights activist and author of the book series and podcast, “Where There’s Smoke: Covert Abuse”. Demian Yumei’s creative focus is on reclaiming your dream and healing the wounds that prevent that. Her artist activist site: keepingthedream.com

Set up…and other war stories

So what’s your “favorite” manipulation or crazy-making incident or outrageous behavior you’d like to enter for the records? This isn’t my favorite, but it is a biggie for me, the anger of which has taken longer for me to heal. It’s not the lies or the cheating or even the “run of the mill” verbal and emotional abuse. It’s being set up. Do you know what I mean? It goes like this… You go to him…after making sure it’s the right time, the right place, he’s in a good mood (but not too good, because you don’t want to ruin it), he’s not in a bad mood (because how can you burden him with another negative thing?), it’s the right season, temperature, day of the week and all the stars are lined up just so, and of course, there’s nothing else more important happening like a night out with the guys, a card game or his night to clip his toe nails. You get the picture. And so you approach him and ask him about something that is bothering you, because of signs, or what you might have heard, in this case his infidelity, and you don’t accuse him (you … Continue reading

Those Sudden Changes

One day he calls. He’s as nice as can be and engages in friendly conversation. I’m civil, but I learned long ago not to read anything positive or hopeful into such behavior. I have no desire to linger, but I’m not rude. Sometimes it helps to leave him in a good mood. My daughter might benefit from it, when she has to be with him tomorrow. For her, I’ll play along. The very next day he appears at my door. Knocks once, and steps in, not even waiting for me to answer. I look at his face. His eyes are shiny, almost wet, his face is red. He’s not drunk. No, it’s not that. I can feel it. There’s that familiar rage, the one I know so well. It’s just underneath the surface waiting for the slightest excuse to explode onto the scene. He cannot hold it. He asks if she’s ready. Well, almost…he’s early. He immediately starts yelling. He needs her to be ready when he says he’s going to be here. His hand is jabbing at the air as he speaks. He’s daring me to a fight. I point out he’s early. He immediately argues, like he’s pained … Continue reading

Residual Effects

It’s been years since I escaped. And it’s been years since I’ve cared about the people he cheated with on me. In fact, I thank God I’m free of them. But a simple comment I had made in regards to another comment posted on this blog, bringing up the time I had inadvertently come across incontrovertible proof that he was seeing someone he swore he wasn’t (and then duly ignoring that proof and allowing him to berate me for finding it) triggered emotional memories that I did not anticipate. Because I don’t care about him anymore. And the last thing I’d want is him back in my life. BUT there are strong psychological impressions that are made in extreme emotional duress that leave their marks on you “forever”. I don’t know if that’s absolutely true, because I haven’t lived forever, but I have lived more than a few years since…like over ten years, and yet, I feel, tonight, an emotional pain inside me and something close to that crazed feeling of obsessive attention, a morbid curiosity to learn as much about my competition as I can. And I HATE it, because it’s all so stupid, and yet, here I sit, … Continue reading

Toxic people affect your ability to love other people…

It’s true. Or at least, they affect your ability to show your love to other people. Because you’re so angry all the time, or if not all the time, then during the times you are wrestling with your anger at being used, lied to, abused, taken advantage of, disrespected, made to feel expendable, small, worthless. Which can be quite often if you have a narcissist in your life. And those things piss you off, and understandably so. But do you realize how much they make you unavailable to those who do love you, who you love? When a child reaching out to you as a sign of love is seen as another demand upon you, an intrusion of your space, because you are so sensitive at being trespassed against? Because as supply for someone else’s narcissism, you are so used up, and the insatiable, thoughtless demands of the N has totally wiped you out so that when someone does ask something of you who has a right to, because they’re your little child or a someone you are truly close to, who truly cares for you, that you react as if they just assaulted you. And sometimes I feel like … Continue reading

I feel so sorry for her

I don’t like her. At all. She’s a bitch to my daughter, but I can’t stand watching what he’s doing to her. So he tells me he’s broken up with her. It won’t work, he says. Distance, the direction they’re going in their lives. He’s not willing to make the changes in where he lives or works to accommodate her work, even though she’s the one with a real career with promise for advancement. It’s too much to ask him… Oh, and it’s for her, too. He says. It’s not fair to her. Right, like he cares. And I think, yeah, wait till you need her for something again. Sure enough, a couple days later, he gets sick as a dog. Needs to leave work. And where does he go? All the way back to his house? No, straight to her house, the one he just broke up with “out of fairness”, so she can take care of him for a couple of days. And I know how happy she is to do it. Maybe this will make him see how much she cares for him, how much she loves him. And she’s not offended he’s come to her after … Continue reading

Throw Him a Parade…

No, really. He truly thinks he deserves one. If he does something remotely responsible, fulfills some small part of his parental duty, does the very least he can do, but takes some effort doing it, then he really believes he should receive recognition and praise – from me! This man pays no child support, contributes nothing financially or time wise to his child’s education, doesn’t even contribute to the care of his child’s animals, not even when they are with him (I send the food), but he transports his kid to school one week and actually brings it my attention, telling me how much it cost him in gas and time, fully expecting me to thank him and tell him how wonderful he is and just marvel at his sacrifice! No lie. He even tried to put the words into my mouth. You think…you just think that after all this time, I would not be amazed. But I am. What’s sad is that it’s not even nerve. It’s the way he is. It’s how he perceives life, looks at the world – all from his egocentric viewpoint, where every little thing he does has monumental significance, because he’s so grand … Continue reading

Life with a Narcissist

by Beatrixkiddo I am married to a narcissist. At least, I believe I am married to a narcissist. It’s hard for me to be sure of anything anymore. Truth is I have been under the influence of narcissists since before I was born. From what I can tell, my grandfather was a narcissist. My stepfather was an un-medicated bipolar and a paranoid schizophrenic and I believe, narcissistic as well. My ex husband is clearly a narcissist. And just recently, having discovered what NPD really looks like (despite having a master’s degree in counseling), I believe I am, once again, married to a narcissist. The problem is, I have been so twisted and manipulated and victimized by narcissistic abuse my whole life that I have been trained to not be able to see the truth. When they distort my words, and negate my feelings and point the finger at me for all the things they are doing, I believe them. I wonder if I am the narcissist. I know I feel upside down and crazy half the time. I know my relationships are on roller coasters. I know I feel abused and confused when I try to express myself and end … Continue reading