About PhoenixRising

Singer/songwriter, human rights activist and author of the book series and podcast, "Where There's Smoke: Covert Abuse". Demian Yumei's creative focus is on reclaiming your dream and healing the wounds that prevent that. Her artist activist site: keepingthedream.com

An Apology and Hopefully Some Changes

Well, it seems like I’m always disappearing and returning and disappearing again. I’m so sorry. This blog is so much harder for me to handle than I would ever have anticipated. These past few months, I had a challenging health situation triggered and then exacerbated by the emotional stress of being a single parent, the current economy and dealing with dysfunctional situations. This last experience made me realize just how “we’re not fooling” my health has become. It was the granddaddy of all chronic fatigue I’ve ever experienced in which I was totally incapacitated for a good long while, and have since been slowly regaining my strength. If you’ve read through this blog, you may notice that I have had periodic health episodes, both emotional and physical, but this last time totally rocked me. That is no excuse for scaring some dear members, and I thank you, Rae, for inquiring about me. For causing you unwarranted concern I profusely apologize. When I “checked out” I checked out, and it may sound really bizarre, but just last night when I was trying to get into another email account, I “rediscovered” the one associated with this blog. I TOTALLY forgot about it. … Continue reading

Threaded Comments

Okay, so I was able to add “threaded comments” to this blog without changing the general template. I like the look of this blog and am not ready to change it just yet. 🙂 Threaded comments mean when you want to make a comment, you can choose specifically which comment you want to respond to — either the main article, or any comment a member of this blog has made. Just click on the link that says “Reply to this specific comment”, and your response will show up right under that comment. I made it so that the threads can go five layers deep. If you want to comment to the article and not respond to any particular comment, just go straight to the open comment box and post there. If you want to receive an email notice to the new comments responding to your new comment, you have the option to check the box for email notice. Well, I hope I didn’t make it sound too confusing! Just give it a try. I hope this will make it easier for us to communicate with each other. And as always, if this is your first comment, it will have to … Continue reading

Updating Site

Yes, I’ve crawled back out from under that rock of depression that periodically seems to hammer me, and I’m back. For how long…who knows? *sigh* But while I’m here I want to update this blog, use a new template that makes it easier for us to comment to one another’s posts. I want a conversation tree, so we can respond to specific comments and our comments will publish under the one we responded to. I think it will make it easier to follow that way. So I’ve got a little “template shopping” to do, and hopefully this site can get a new look for the new year. Hoping you are doing well. Here’s to flexing our wings and flying again 🙂 PhoenixRising

Wasted Time

The vast majority of the time I wasted with my narcissistic ex was trying to understand him. Because I was trying to do that with the expectation that I was dealing with someone who held similar values, deep down inside, as me. Now, I can appreciate diversity. I love it. I’m glad we’re not all the same. But underneath our differences lies a commonality, core values that extend to all human beings. Well, maybe in a perfect world. But it’s still a standard to which I believe most people do adhere to. What are those values? Well, common courtesy, for one. Respect. Some level of integrity, honesty, and kindness. Seeing oneself in another – not as in making them invisible or merely a reflection of you – that’s what narcissists do – but seeing yourself in another through empathy, recognizing their humanity they share with you. Trying to understand a person without that core is futility. There needs to be something that anchors or grounds the differences found in people to something good, something reliable, solid. So that even as mistakes are made, misunderstandings, personality quirks or whatever, there’s someone there worth understanding. Under whatever it is that upset you … Continue reading

Set up…and other war stories

So what’s your “favorite” manipulation or crazy-making incident or outrageous behavior you’d like to enter for the records? This isn’t my favorite, but it is a biggie for me, the anger of which has taken longer for me to heal. It’s not the lies or the cheating or even the “run of the mill” verbal and emotional abuse. It’s being set up. Do you know what I mean? It goes like this… You go to him…after making sure it’s the right time, the right place, he’s in a good mood (but not too good, because you don’t want to ruin it), he’s not in a bad mood (because how can you burden him with another negative thing?), it’s the right season, temperature, day of the week and all the stars are lined up just so, and of course, there’s nothing else more important happening like a night out with the guys, a card game or his night to clip his toe nails. You get the picture. And so you approach him and ask him about something that is bothering you, because of signs, or what you might have heard, in this case his infidelity, and you don’t accuse him (you … Continue reading

Those Sudden Changes

One day he calls. He’s as nice as can be and engages in friendly conversation. I’m civil, but I learned long ago not to read anything positive or hopeful into such behavior. I have no desire to linger, but I’m not rude. Sometimes it helps to leave him in a good mood. My daughter might benefit from it, when she has to be with him tomorrow. For her, I’ll play along. The very next day he appears at my door. Knocks once, and steps in, not even waiting for me to answer. I look at his face. His eyes are shiny, almost wet, his face is red. He’s not drunk. No, it’s not that. I can feel it. There’s that familiar rage, the one I know so well. It’s just underneath the surface waiting for the slightest excuse to explode onto the scene. He cannot hold it. He asks if she’s ready. Well, almost…he’s early. He immediately starts yelling. He needs her to be ready when he says he’s going to be here. His hand is jabbing at the air as he speaks. He’s daring me to a fight. I point out he’s early. He immediately argues, like he’s pained … Continue reading