Parenting with a Narcissist

Okay, so I was able to add “threaded comments” to this blog without changing the general template. I like the look of this blog and am not ready to change it just yet.

Threaded comments mean when you want to make a comment, you can choose specifically which comment you want to respond to — either the main article, or any comment a member of this blog has made. Just click on the link that says “Reply to this specific comment”, and your response will show up right under that comment.

I made it so that the threads can go five layers deep. If you want to comment to the article and not respond to any particular comment, just go straight to the open comment box and post there.

If you want to receive an email notice to the new comments responding to your new comment, you have the option to check the box for email notice.

Well, I hope I didn’t make it sound too confusing! Just give it a try. I hope this will make it easier for us to communicate with each other.

And as always, if this is your first comment, it will have to be approved by me first. After that, every comment you make will be published right away.

Look forward to hearing from you!

Yes, I’ve crawled back out from under that rock of depression that periodically seems to hammer me, and I’m back.

For how long…who knows? *sigh*

But while I’m here I want to update this blog, use a new template that makes it easier for us to comment to one another’s posts. I want a conversation tree, so we can respond to specific comments and our comments will publish under the one we responded to. I think it will make it easier to follow that way.

So I’ve got a little “template shopping” to do, and hopefully this site can get a new look for the new year.

Hoping you are doing well.

Here’s to flexing our wings and flying again

PhoenixRising

Just had to quickly post this link here. After only reading a few posts I find it well written and very insightful. This article in particular can be helpful for those who have just left or are considering leaving an abusive relationship.

http://www.lifeafterdatingapsycho.com/blog/2011/02/things-to-remember-to-help-you-through-a-breakup.html

The vast majority of the time I wasted with my narcissistic ex was trying to understand him. Because I was trying to do that with the expectation that I was dealing with someone who held similar values, deep down inside, as me.

Now, I can appreciate diversity. I love it. I’m glad we’re not all the same. But underneath our differences lies a commonality, core values that extend to all human beings. Well, maybe in a perfect world.

But it’s still a standard to which I believe most people do adhere to.

What are those values?

Well, common courtesy, for one. Respect. Some level of integrity, honesty, and kindness. Seeing oneself in another – not as in making them invisible or merely a reflection of you – that’s what narcissists do – but seeing yourself in another through empathy, recognizing their humanity they share with you.

Trying to understand a person without that core is futility. There needs to be something that anchors or grounds the differences found in people to something good, something reliable, solid. So that even as mistakes are made, misunderstandings, personality quirks or whatever, there’s someone there worth understanding. Under whatever it is that upset you or offended you, there’s an underlying goodwill, good intentions, a place within that person that you can always trust, even when they are not acting from their best.

No such place exists within a Narcissist. A Narcissist can swear on a stack of bibles and mean every word they say with all the sincerity and commitment in the world, but the next day the wind might shift, even slightly, and it’s as if they had never sworn to anything.

It’s not that they didn’t mean it when they said it, it’s just that they don’t feel any desire or obligation to follow through. They’re above that. Situation changed, perhaps, something better came up, it’s more inconvenient than they thought…whatever. To a Narcissist, that’s valid reason to renege on anything – anything at all, including their children.

And I had tried and tried for years, spilling over into a decade and then some, to understand these changes. How someone could be so loving and then cruel to the point of almost sadistic…not almost. Actually venturing into emotional sadism at times, observing it with cold reptilian detachment as if I were a bug having it’s wings torn off under a magnifying glass.

Trying to understand…rather than just reading the signs. Trying to understand why, instead of just looking at what was happening. Who the hell cares where his head was or what he might have been going through at the time or whether he meant to do this or say that?

The fact is he was doing it. And it was a pattern. Not just a particularly bad day. Maybe the first time I could say this wasn’t like him…but how long did it have to continue to happen, over and over again, before I could see, well, yeah…this is him?

Obviously, a very long time.

Better late than never maybe. But oh, how much better earlier than later!

I could have put that time to much better use.

So what’s your “favorite” manipulation or crazy-making incident or outrageous behavior you’d like to enter for the records?

This isn’t my favorite, but it is a biggie for me, the anger of which has taken longer for me to heal. It’s not the lies or the cheating or even the “run of the mill” verbal and emotional abuse.

It’s being set up.

Do you know what I mean?

It goes like this…

You go to him…after making sure it’s the right time, the right place, he’s in a good mood (but not too good, because you don’t want to ruin it), he’s not in a bad mood (because how can you burden him with another negative thing?), it’s the right season, temperature, day of the week and all the stars are lined up just so, and of course, there’s nothing else more important happening like a night out with the guys, a card game or his night to clip his toe nails.

You get the picture.

And so you approach him and ask him about something that is bothering you, because of signs, or what you might have heard, in this case his infidelity, and you don’t accuse him (you make sure he understands it’s just for clarification) and you make sure you use all “I” sentences, and the tone of your voice is soft with no edge, and you might preface it with how wonderful he’s been and how happy you are…but at any rate, you finally get the words out and…

He’s actually nice about it!

RELIEF!

He answers your inquiry, and tells you, in fact, that he’s glad…yes, glad that you came to him, because he got to straighten it out, and what’s more, he wants you to come to him again if you ever hear anything else, so he can have the opportunity to straighten out any misunderstanding.

And you are SO relieved, not only that your worst fears were laid to rest, but GOD, do you have the best boyfriend/lover/husband in the world or what?!?!

So life is perfect, until things start to not quite add up gain, or maybe another rumor comes to you, but you have Mr. Wonderful in your life, and he said he wanted you to come to him if you ever heard anything again or had any doubts.

And so like a stupid idiot…no, like a good and trusting soul, you do…just as he asked you to, and before you even know what hits you, your guts are splayed all across the wall, because he’s so tired of you bringing this shit up, and why do you keep putting him through the wringer??? And does he have to hear about this for the rest of his life???

And he’s saying this to you in an outrage, and his face is red and he’s screaming, and you’re crying, and confused and hurt and angry, but mostly confused and totally disoriented.

And you try to figure out what you did wrong or how he might misunderstand your intentions. You can’t imagine he’s totally manipulating and consciously choosing to abuse you for doing what he knows he asked you to do, because you can’t comprehend that kind of narcissism nor can you see the personality disorder behind what you and he need you to see.

If it was just cheating, it would barely be a memory these days. I haven’t given a rat’s ass about that in ages. But it’s not about the cheating. It’s about the set up, and the punishment that followed.

And that’s the barbed wire the flesh of my being is still hung on.