Parenting with a Narcissist

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

(a) Just one — but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.
(b) None at all — he hires menials for work that’s beneath him.
(c) No need — the sun rises in him.

A daughter’s experience dealing with a narcissistic mother.

http://www.facingforwardnow.com/

From the blog:

This is my journey of growing up with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered mother and the painful family dynamic that results from this. It’s been a long road, and certainly could have been much worse, but nonetheless has been pretty painful. Thankfully, much healing has taken place. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone, you are not crazy, and there is hope. We can help one another along, our common goal being to end this legacy and create healthier relationships in each of our lives.

This is inspired by Survivor’s post, when she had a realization her ex was a narcissist and she left him five years later after trying to hold on for the children.

How many of us do that? The intention is good, even noble. But is it really better for the children? I hear this over and over. I’ve done it. Only I didn’t get out after five years. My two oldest lived a major part of their childhood under the influence of my narcissistic partner. I didn’t leave until after they had both graduated from high school. My youngest with the ex was just entering school age.

None of them escaped unscathed. But there’s a difference. My youngest still has to contend with the N, but she has a safe place to go. My oldest two didn’t. The youngest will have issues to deal with BUT she has more of herself. I fear for one of my oldest.

In holding on for our children, I guess the question would be just what is it are we holding on to?

What’s the reality of it? How much we are fighting for is real and how much is fantasy – of what it could be, should be if only…we did this or that or…would be if he just hadn’t had a bad day, a relapse in judgment…?

You know, we read about Don Quixote fighting windmills thinking they’re dragons. Well, what about protecting a pile of manure thinking it’s gold?

I’m not talking about just getting bored here or growing apart or personality differences. I’m not supporting throw-away relationships and I don’t believe in disposable relationships. Yes, there is a commitment when you enter into life long relationships. Yes, you shouldn’t just think about yourself when you have children. If you can make it work, then make it work.

What we’re talking about are the really abusive, insidiously manipulative, crazy-making narcissistic relationships. When the agenda of your partner isn’t creating a relationship, a family, a home, but consuming them.

With the exception of getting a beautiful daughter out of the deal, it was a huge mistake with life long consequences on my two oldest to stay with this man. If I had been smart like Survivor, and left even after five years, I would have escaped with still two very young adolescents and a beautiful baby. And that time would have been significant.

Children learn through what is modeled for them. Yes, some kids have the wherewithal to learn other behavior, to consciously choose to do differently, but it’s a HUGE burden you place on them. And you’re taking a big chance with their lives.

How many people can identify with the “I’ll never do that when I grow up…” assertion, and find themselves imitating their parents to the letter? And these aren’t even destructive behaviors, just mannerisms, odd habits, using the same tone of voice when scolding or giving the same lectures.

Then how much more with the abusive dynamics and emotional trauma of being with a narcissistic person – an adult, your parent or parent figure who is suppose to take care of you but is an emotional bully, monster, parasite, user?

Do you really want to sit back years from now and see those same narcissistic traits unfold in your beautiful children? Or watch them struggle as they walk in your same footsteps and pick losers and abusers to put them through what you went through?

Not a given they will. They could deal with their wounds and overcome them with empowerment. But do you want them to have to expend the time and energy to overcome, when they could be using that energy for other things?

Look at that beautiful child full in the face, look deep into his or her eyes, and tell that beautiful soul that they’re worth the gamble, that you’re willing to take that gamble with their lives, their happiness for Mr or Ms Narcissist.

If you’re going to hold on to something make sure it’s worth it.

Narcissists aren’t.

You know, I’ve read that people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are more often than not men. I’m not convinced of that.

For one, people with NPD are the last people on earth who would willingly allow themselves to be diagnosed. I mean why bother diagnosing perfection? So how would you know?

Maybe there are more men diagnosed with NPD, because more women are willing to seek help, perhaps drag their reluctant spouses/boyfriends in, so male NPD’s wind up in front of a doctor to be analyzed in the first place, where women narcissist are more able to avoid analysis.

Maybe women are just culturally and naturally perceived as empathic. Lack of empathy is hallmark of narcissism. Her empathic behavior (which every good narcissist can step into at the drop of a hat) isn’t questioned, because it’s automatically accepted on face value. She’s less likely to be seen or suspected as a narcissist even if she is.

Narcissists can DO empathy. They know what it looks like. They know how they are supposed to appear attentive, repeat or rephrase what you say, look straight into your eyes and make you feel visible. Many people who first meet a narcissist believe they are a dream come true.

But narcissists don’t know how to BE empathy. A narcissist going through the motions of empathy is actually collecting and storing information for later use, not for relating to, identifying with or connecting.

I just know that in my own experience and from the stories of other victims of narcissism, there’s no shortage of narcissistic women who are just as devoid of empathy and compassion, just as capable of gaslighting or manipulating, just as quick to verbally, emotionally or psychologically abuse someone, and just as incapable of seeing people, including their children, as anything more than objects to be used as narcissistic men.

Narcissism isn’t sex specific. I’d love to believe women are naturally more nurturing. It’s hard not to believe that with the Mother/Child archetype, and I believe it’s an archetype for a reason.

However, unfortunately, that does not translate into some kind of automatic protection from narcissism. Because you know, the mother who eats her young is an archetype too.

By PhoenixRising

It’s hard when you finally realize what you’re dealing with, traumatic even.

It’s easy to fall into a kind of self recriminating despair, when you realize just what kind of a person you had a child with and to whom you are sending your child when it’s their “turn” to have them.

I hear it all the time. I see it online and in personal conversations – regret. It’s a demon all of us who are in this seemingly sinking boat have to wrestle with. If only we hadn’t…picked this guy or gal to be with, to have children with, to stay with, to fight for.

If only we had picked a better parent – hell, just someone who was a regular human being, someone who had the potential and willingness to work on parenting skills. Not talking about perfection here.

And we’re right! Life would be better. Life is always better without the twisted energies of narcissism.

Still…

You know what? You just have to focus on the positive. Really. If you’re going to be any good to that precious child, those precious children, you better.

What’s done is done, and here you are, and this is what you have to deal with. So what are you going to do?

First, be grateful and be glad. Because the fact that you can even see this ugly picture is the reason you’re going to make it. Your denial and confusion was your narcissist’s greatest ally. Knowledge and awareness is yours.

It’s the reason you are going to minimize the negative impact on yourself and your children. It’s the reason you’re going to turn whatever negative impact there is around and enable your children to turn that impact around into something that will work for them and strengthen your relationship with each other in the process.

No matter how long it takes…

Remember that. Hold on to that. There will be some days it’s all you’ll have.

No, it’s not a pretty picture. But without the blinders and with the fog lifting from countless gaslighting and deception, you are armed with what narcissists fear the most – a clear view.

You are no longer blind. Makes you a harder target and a better protector for both you and your children. You’re a parent on a mission, not crazy, no longer traveling in circles.

Let your vision help you to see your way. You got a long road to travel. Travel light.

Leave your regrets behind with the delusions of what you once thought you had. Neither serve you well.