Parenting with a Narcissist

It’s a kind of insanity, you know, to be involved with a narcissist. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself when you’re involved with one, and if anything, you fight like hell to keep him in your life.

I never felt like I left him. I escaped.

But with what? Oh, it took strength, courage, resourcefulness to leave. I give myself that. But what did I lose?

Well, with children, a lot. Let’s say my relationship with them, while I was focusing all my energy on the N and being devoured – oh, like only a major portion of their childhood, as in most of it.

How about my sexuality? In our relationship, sex was a big thing. For me it was an expression of love, sacred. I adored him, and there was nothing wrong that we could do together as an expression of our love – two consenting adults giving freely and openly to each other.

Only, to him it wasn’t about love. It was about self pleasure, control, power, opportunities to feed his ego, to brag to friends and acquaintances and strangers, play by play.

It’s been almost 20 years since we first met, since that usury began, masquerading behind labels, like girlfriend and wife, but still the same careless, heartless usury. And only now, am I able to type it…first time…and it hurts still, deep inside the shame wells up. Well, it’s a start toward healing, I guess.

But I wonder, do we ever heal? Is there a place that is just so ravaged, that there’s no moving on? I don’t know.

I just know he took something from me, that while I do the best I can as a mother, and grow in that area as never before with greater strength and understanding, there is a part of me that is missing.

It is broken, and I fear there is a capacity to trust that I once had that will never return.

And that is sad.

So she started off sweet. My daughter really liked her. Her dad’s girlfriend was nice she said. Most important, she took the heat off her. My daughter didn’t dread so much having to go to her dad’s.

I was happy for my dd, happy for me. With him getting his supply elsewhere, it made things a little easier for me. Most of all, I was happy that there was someone else to take pressure off of my dd.

But I did tell her, no matter how nice the girlfriend was, to make sure she not share any of her real feelings about her dad with Girlfriend. I told her as nice as this Girlfriend might be to her, Girlfriend’s main relationship was not with DD. It was with her N-dad. Girlfriend’s priority was to her relationship with DD’s father and her own needs.

She would not hesitate – either innocently or self-servingly – to divulge any secrets DD told her, especially those that did not flatter DD’s father, to N-Dad. Because of what her father is like and what he is, I advised DD to exercise caution in what she confided about her father to Girlfriend.

Whether this telling arose out of misguided loyalty or conniving tattling, the end result would be the same. DD would have to face the consequences from her N-Dad.

This is not a normal situation where a concerned parent might use such information to open lines of communication, to resolve any misunderstanding. A narcissist finding out their child is speaking ill of them to another is a fearsome and frightening sight. It is a punishing experience I would spare any child.

DD wholeheartedly agree. She had already sensed it was not safe to do that. It was okay, she said. She knew she could always talk to me about problems she had with N-Dad.

Over time, DD began to see sides to Girlfriend that concerned her. She saw signs that Girlfriend was not above tattling on her or getting strokes from N-Dad at her expense. But something happened recently that made DD really realize what she’s dealing with with Girlfriend. This past weekend Girlfriend not only got DD in trouble with N-Dad, by telling N-Dad DD had done something disrespectful to Girlfriend, when DD hadn’t, but DD actually saw Girlfriend standing there smiling, while N-Dad yelled at DD for it.

She said it made her blood turn cold.

I was not surprised. I saw this other side of Girlfriend earlier, saw pieces of her real character or lack of it, in other situations. I knew this would happen to DD. But I had to let DD find out for herself. It was only a matter of time, and that time happened.

DD is getting older. She’s beautiful. That, in and of itself, can cause problems with an insecure woman. And if you weren’t insecure before you became involved with a narcissist, you will be. Desperate people do desperate things. Now, I’m not blaming everything on N. Girlfriend has to take some responsibility for her choices and behavior, too. But, even with the most integrity filled person, if you’re involved with an N, you will become desperate, especially for validation – even if it’s at the expense of others…like a child.

N-Dad chewing out DD for Girlfriend was a feast for Girlfriend, a fleeting piece of proof that N loves her, cares about her. Made her feel special. Gave her a sense of vindication.

She won’t stop there. She’ll want more.

She’s an abuser, too.

DD was upset, angry. I said don’t waste your time holding a grudge towards Girlfriend. Be angry, because that’s real. Speak it, because you need to. Release it, because you deserve to. But know that N-Dad will more than punish her – maybe not for DD’s sake, certainly for his own gratification and his own reasons, but being with N-Dad is its own punishment. Girlfriend will get more than what she dishes out to DD.

I told DD just be mindful of herself when with those two. And know that she doesn’t have to stay there forever. It’s Girlfriend who is trapped in this game. DD already has one foot out the door, because she has self-awareness.

Yeah, it gets me mad. But that’s what she has to deal with. And she knows when she’s with me, she can be with real people who truly love and respect her. She can be safe. She can know the difference. And she can make a better choice for herself when she’s a woman, than I did.

This is an interesting blog I discovered tonight, “I Missed Being Me” on child custody.

This post in particular may be helpful. It has a link to another source specifically on preparing for child custody.

“Do you want A or B?”, the narcissist asks.

He wants you to choose “A”. It’s what he really wants to do. You’re supposed to know this, and if you’ve been with a narcissist for a while, you’ve been trained to give what he wants. Or perhaps you’re just a generous person, and he knows if you know he wants something, you’ll want him to have it out of the goodness of your heart.

So you choose “A”, for whatever reason. Doesn’t matter. The narcissist gets what he wants. Or maybe it’s a non-choice, because the narcissist really doesn’t care, but he asks, because he gets to say he respects you and asks you your opinion, even if he knows it’s only about things that don’t matter to him.

But what if you don’t choose what he wants? What if you give the wrong answer?

You choose “B”. Maybe it’s what you really wanted. Maybe you really thought he was giving you a choice (silly girl), and actually told him what you wanted. Maybe you don’t give in to him this time, because you’re tired of always giving in or you truly believe this is the best choice. It doesn’t matter.

The narcissist doesn’t get to do what he wants. And that’s a bad thing.

He’s furious. Now he shows his real side. He may start off being passive aggressive. Perhaps he starts with cajoling, gently guiding you to the “right choice”, because you were too stupid to figure it out on your own. If this doesn’t work he will try harder. He’ll argue with you. His resentment starts to show (how can you even think about depriving him?)

If you still don’t get it, you better duck, because he’s going to blow. He’ll punish you. Somehow, he will turn it, and you’ll find yourself defending yourself against abusing him. (How do you always get into this position, girl? Oh wait, you’re involved with a narcissist.)

And then after he’s done, and you’ve gone from feeling special because he’s asking you what you want, to feeling like shit, because you’ve just been ripped a new one, he’ll go right ahead and do what he wants…just like he had always intended. And feel very self righteous about it, because you were so mean to deprive him in the first place.

Of course there are variations in this, but the basic elements are there. Narcissists are great about respecting your right to choose – as long as it’s about nothing important to them or you make the right choice…theirs.