Toxic people affect your ability to love other people…

It’s true. Or at least, they affect your ability to show your love to other people.

Because you’re so angry all the time, or if not all the time, then during the times you are wrestling with your anger at being used, lied to, abused, taken advantage of, disrespected, made to feel expendable, small, worthless. Which can be quite often if you have a narcissist in your life.

And those things piss you off, and understandably so.

But do you realize how much they make you unavailable to those who do love you, who you love? When a child reaching out to you as a sign of love is seen as another demand upon you, an intrusion of your space, because you are so sensitive at being trespassed against?

Because as supply for someone else’s narcissism, you are so used up, and the insatiable, thoughtless demands of the N has totally wiped you out so that when someone does ask something of you who has a right to, because they’re your little child or a someone you are truly close to, who truly cares for you, that you react as if they just assaulted you.

And sometimes I feel like I can’t help myself, that there’s so much anger lying underneath that when I get pushed again, then I am a bomb waiting to explode on innocence. And it’s not fair.

It’s not fair.

Mother, beware. Father, beware. The seeds you sow by courting a narcissist, by inviting one into your life will grow predatory vines that will reach far into your life, beyond that immediate relationship. It’s like a curse that follows you.

If you raise kids under such a narcissistic parent, do not be surprised when you see the shadow of his narcissism in your now adult kids, the way they relate to you, the way they relate to other younger children you may have.

You think it’s difficult to separate yourself from the narcissist you had once desired? Imagine how difficult it will be to escape the narcissism of your own children if they walk the path of the model you brought into their life.

You condemn yourself to being angry the rest of your life, cutting yourself off from the ones who truly do love you, not being able to love back, not in the way they or you deserve. Unless…

Unless you can find a way to remove that poison from your life. For the sake of the children. You got to set up boundaries. If possible you have to maintain it with distance, but if not physically, then emotionally. Because you’re going to create boundaries.

Do it consciously toward the toxicity. Not subconsciously toward the innocent.

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5 Responses to Toxic people affect your ability to love other people…

  1. insidesopen says:

    Now that I’ve left my N-husband I find that I am able to appreciate the little joys of my children that I couldn’t before. Before, so much of my time was spent trying to please the N, trying to avoid his rages, and feeling angry at him for being such a bastard. I used to lay awake at night wondering how our marriage had gone so terribly wrong, crying silently so as not to wake him.

    Life gets so much better when you get out from under the thumb of a narcissist. You’ll be doing your children the biggest favour of their lives.

  2. tempus_fugit says:

    I was angry for a long time too. It was so distressing because I had never felt rage before and I felt it was wrong or abnormal. I tried hypnosis, counseling, relaxation techniques.

    Three years later I am good at controlling my anger, but I no longer see it as abnormal. I realised it was my NP ex who had convinced me of that, trying to make my anger at his infidelity more wrong than what he did to me. Of course he got angry, shouting and violent on many occassions, but always denied it afterwards or somehow made it my fault. The double standards are astonishing! But possibly quite genuine – in that he doesn’t recognise his own anger.

    Anger changes you physiologically – it affects you ability to make rational judgements and thus people often mis-remember events while angry. Cortisols can damage your brain if you suffer long-term anger, especially the hypocampus where your new memories and new learnt information are laid down. In a study of heart disease I read, there is also a significant link between heart disease and hostility. There’s plenty of reasons to take action on your anger. Revenge and vindictiveness is only a temporary reduction in anxiety for you, and it fans the flames of the argument.

    In the end, you figure out that he makes you angry because he knows how to, so he can use it as another tool to control you. He frequently tried to keep me in the argument by emails and text messages and became very frustrated when I stopped being defensive and engaging with him. So frustrated that he started making up things and telling Child Protection those fantasies/lies.

    Because he hasn’t taken any action to work on his anger, I think he will contiue to use dirty tricks like CP and I am no longer shocked and enraged by his double standards and lies. Expecting the worst takes the edge of the anger, in fact I often get a laugh out of his unreflective sense of entitlement and double standards. As an example, last week he implied I was a bad parent and asked me if I would let him take the children overseas in the same sentence practically. The double standard is that he refused to let me take the children overseas last year, now he expects that I will just say yes. I even wonder if he thinks that insulting me and then asking for something is going to work for him! The mysteries of the NP mind.

  3. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi tempus_fugit, and welcome to this blog! Thank you for listing a few reasons why we need to rethink our decision to stay with people who treat us badly. It’s not so much what they do that is alarming (though it often is) but the effects that our anger, albeit justifiable anger, has on us – our health, our peace of mind, our quality of life.

    These are very literal affects. Not just that they give us a lousy day, but that this kind of anger, which is bound to be chronic when you have to continuously deal with a toxic individual and their disregard of you as a human being, can literally shorten our lives.

    Making you angry really is a tool they use to control you. I have even seen my ex look at me with a satisfied smirk on his face just when I lost control and started yelling.

    Then I’m not only pissed at him, but at me for taking the bait.

    They want your loss of control so bad, that if you don’t give it to them, they’ll even react as if you did.

    Example: You respond in a calm and even tone to whatever outrageous thing they just said, and they come back with “Don’t yell at me.”

    Narcissists need to believe their the center of your world. Whether you love them or hate them, it’s all the same. Both makes the statement that they matter to you and you care – you care enough to get pissed.

    Twisted, yes, but that’s how it goes.

    With normal people, you react or respond off of clues, verbal or otherwise, that other people give off. With NPD’s you can’t do that.

    You can’t use them as a gauge for how you should react, because they fluctuate by whatever they need in the moment. You have to go by your own core beliefs, that inner something within you that defines who you are – regardless what their responses or behaviors are – negative or positive.

    It’s all the same. Neither is more real than the other. Both can change in the blink of an eye.

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    Oh, yeah…I found letters and photos of his other girlfriend in his drawers when I was putting away his laundry…as I normally did, mind you.

    Guess what the main focus was about? The fact that I “went through his drawers”.

    The other issue, the little fact about his cheating? Incidental.

    Yeah, I apologized.


    Thank God, I’m not there any longer, but if I could go back as my future self…

  5. tempus_fugit says:

    Lol! I know that smirk well! According to psychologists the smirk is a sign or contempt and a giveaway for liars because people often don’t know they are doing it.

    My ex NP sometimes laughs outloud at me when he’s late or knows he’s in the wrong. It’s like my (justified) anger justifies his contempt for me. He has no sense of shame or remorse. More entitlement.

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