Toxic people affect your ability to love other people…

It’s true. Or at least, they affect your ability to show your love to other people. Because you’re so angry all the time, or if not all the time, then during the times you are wrestling with your anger at being used, lied to, abused, taken advantage of, disrespected, made to feel expendable, small, worthless. Which can be quite often if you have a narcissist in your life. And those things piss you off, and understandably so. But do you realize how much they make you unavailable to those who do love you, who you love? When a child reaching out to you as a sign of love is seen as another demand upon you, an intrusion of your space, because you are so sensitive at being trespassed against? Because as supply for someone else’s narcissism, you are so used up, and the insatiable, thoughtless demands of the N has totally wiped you out so that when someone does ask something of you who has a right to, because they’re your little child or a someone you are truly close to, who truly cares for you, that you react as if they just assaulted you. And sometimes I feel like … Continue reading

I feel so sorry for her

I don’t like her. At all. She’s a bitch to my daughter, but I can’t stand watching what he’s doing to her. So he tells me he’s broken up with her. It won’t work, he says. Distance, the direction they’re going in their lives. He’s not willing to make the changes in where he lives or works to accommodate her work, even though she’s the one with a real career with promise for advancement. It’s too much to ask him… Oh, and it’s for her, too. He says. It’s not fair to her. Right, like he cares. And I think, yeah, wait till you need her for something again. Sure enough, a couple days later, he gets sick as a dog. Needs to leave work. And where does he go? All the way back to his house? No, straight to her house, the one he just broke up with “out of fairness”, so she can take care of him for a couple of days. And I know how happy she is to do it. Maybe this will make him see how much she cares for him, how much she loves him. And she’s not offended he’s come to her after … Continue reading

Coercive Ploys in Divorce

by Reflector This week I’ve been reading an article entitled, “The Role of Coercion” by Barbara J. Lonsdorf. Lonsdorf writes that the same coercive dynamics that played themselves out in a dysfunctional marriage often repeat themselves in the procedures of separation, divorce and post-divorce. She says, “Just as coercive ploys can take physical, emotional or monetary forms in marriage, so ploys can take physical, emotional or monetary forms in negotiations depending on the supply and demand of resources of divorcing parties.” Lonsdorf poses the following key questions: “What was the prior use of coercion in the marital relationship? What is the current social/emotional involvement with his divorcing spouse? Honestly answering these help more vulnerable spouses to understand the depth of their susceptibility to being coerced. The more I have been investigating, the more aware I have become that I cannot rely upon my lawyer to come up with the divorce plan and the strategies that go with it. Only I can defend my interests. I’ve been apprehensive about my STBXS’ reaction when she will be served the divorce papers. Left up to her she will continue to postpone her job hunt as a way of getting me to continue carrying … Continue reading