Trying to hold on for the children

This is inspired by Survivor’s post, when she had a realization her ex was a narcissist and she left him five years later after trying to hold on for the children. How many of us do that? The intention is good, even noble. But is it really better for the children? I hear this over and over. I’ve done it. Only I didn’t get out after five years. My two oldest lived a major part of their childhood under the influence of my narcissistic partner. I didn’t leave until after they had both graduated from high school. My youngest with the ex was just entering school age. None of them escaped unscathed. But there’s a difference. My youngest still has to contend with the N, but she has a safe place to go. My oldest two didn’t. The youngest will have issues to deal with BUT she has more of herself. I fear for one of my oldest. In holding on for our children, I guess the question would be just what is it are we holding on to? What’s the reality of it? How much we are fighting for is real and how much is fantasy – of what … Continue reading

Put Downs

By Survivor extending a comment My mother had a narcissistic mother. My mother had a great deal of anxiety and also put me down a lot when I was growing up.That is what was modeled for her in dealing with a daughter. I always thought I had to improve myself not realizing the true issue at hand. With low self esteem, I was the perfect person for my NPD ex who I met at 19. I didn’t realize his put downs were put downs. Again I thought I needed to improve myself. It wasn’t until my daughter was a baby that I realized what I had gotten myself into. My ex had gotten mad at me and did not acknowledge mother’s day because I was not worthy. In fact I wasn’t spoken to for about 2 months (literally). I was so heartbroken that I went to see a mental health person. She asked me if I realized I was being abused and this was a form of domestic violence. That is when the lightbulb went off in my head. I left my ex 5 years after that trying to hold on for the children. After I left my narcissistic husband, … Continue reading

Power through Undermining

I don’t even know where to begin. I am currently in the midst of yet another battle with my ex – an “exemplary citizen”, a wolf in sheep clothing. It’s a silent battle, not being verbally played out for all to hear, but it’s a battle nonetheless. Unfortunately our daughter, 13, is being, and has been for a few years now, put in the middle of it and played against me by her father. Joint custody should mean equal say, negotiations when we don’t agree and give and take on both sides. Instead it’s turned into unilateral parenting where I have NO say. Well, I have a say, it’s just not respected whatsoever or twisted to make me look like the mean one. If there’s a disagreement between my daughter and I with arrangements or activities, her father empathizes with her and tells her how hard it was being married to me, so he can’t imagine how tough it must be to be her daughter. He then tells her that she can do what she wants, without worry because he will ‘deal with me’ on her behalf. Dealing with me means just doing what he wants or bringing his wife … Continue reading

Narcissists aren’t just men

You know, I’ve read that people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are more often than not men. I’m not convinced of that. For one, people with NPD are the last people on earth who would willingly allow themselves to be diagnosed. I mean why bother diagnosing perfection? So how would you know? Maybe there are more men diagnosed with NPD, because more women are willing to seek help, perhaps drag their reluctant spouses/boyfriends in, so male NPD’s wind up in front of a doctor to be analyzed in the first place, where women narcissist are more able to avoid analysis. Maybe women are just culturally and naturally perceived as empathic. Lack of empathy is hallmark of narcissism. Her empathic behavior (which every good narcissist can step into at the drop of a hat) isn’t questioned, because it’s automatically accepted on face value. She’s less likely to be seen or suspected as a narcissist even if she is. Narcissists can DO empathy. They know what it looks like. They know how they are supposed to appear attentive, repeat or rephrase what you say, look straight into your eyes and make you feel visible. Many people who first meet a narcissist believe … Continue reading

Regrets

By PhoenixRising It’s hard when you finally realize what you’re dealing with, traumatic even. It’s easy to fall into a kind of self recriminating despair, when you realize just what kind of a person you had a child with and to whom you are sending your child when it’s their “turn” to have them. I hear it all the time. I see it online and in personal conversations – regret. It’s a demon all of us who are in this seemingly sinking boat have to wrestle with. If only we hadn’t…picked this guy or gal to be with, to have children with, to stay with, to fight for. If only we had picked a better parent – hell, just someone who was a regular human being, someone who had the potential and willingness to work on parenting skills. Not talking about perfection here. And we’re right! Life would be better. Life is always better without the twisted energies of narcissism. Still… You know what? You just have to focus on the positive. Really. If you’re going to be any good to that precious child, those precious children, you better. What’s done is done, and here you are, and this is … Continue reading

Please Read First — Important

(New posts come after below this sticky post) DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG IN NO WAY DISPENSES ADVICE – LEGAL OR OTHERWISE. OPINIONS ARE SHARED AND BELONG TO EACH AUTHOR OR POSTER AND NOT NECESSARILY THE OWNER OF THIS BLOG. THIS BLOG IS OFFERED FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES AND FREEDOM OF SPEECH. READERS AND WRITERS OF THIS BLOG ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW THEY INTERPRET AND/OR ACT UPON ANY PUBLISHED MATERIALS HERE. Having said that, let me explain a bit further. Some self help sites are excellent sources of information and support Individuals are trained and licensed to offer timely professional help. Their approach is more one of objectivity and research based. That would not be me. Some of my insights will be right on. Some will be skewed by my perception and personal biases. I try to be fair, but I don’t claim to be objective, nor am I trained. Many self help sites are run by well-intentioned people, but some have their own issues That would be me. I was raised by narcissists and throughout my life surrounded myself by them. That has had an effect on me. This gives me insight from a personal perspective and I may validate some of … Continue reading