Parenting with a Narcissist

A daughter’s experience dealing with a narcissistic mother.

http://www.facingforwardnow.com/

From the blog:

This is my journey of growing up with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered mother and the painful family dynamic that results from this. It’s been a long road, and certainly could have been much worse, but nonetheless has been pretty painful. Thankfully, much healing has taken place. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone, you are not crazy, and there is hope. We can help one another along, our common goal being to end this legacy and create healthier relationships in each of our lives.

This is inspired by Survivor’s post, when she had a realization her ex was a narcissist and she left him five years later after trying to hold on for the children.

How many of us do that? The intention is good, even noble. But is it really better for the children? I hear this over and over. I’ve done it. Only I didn’t get out after five years. My two oldest lived a major part of their childhood under the influence of my narcissistic partner. I didn’t leave until after they had both graduated from high school. My youngest with the ex was just entering school age.

None of them escaped unscathed. But there’s a difference. My youngest still has to contend with the N, but she has a safe place to go. My oldest two didn’t. The youngest will have issues to deal with BUT she has more of herself. I fear for one of my oldest.

In holding on for our children, I guess the question would be just what is it are we holding on to?

What’s the reality of it? How much we are fighting for is real and how much is fantasy – of what it could be, should be if only…we did this or that or…would be if he just hadn’t had a bad day, a relapse in judgment…?

You know, we read about Don Quixote fighting windmills thinking they’re dragons. Well, what about protecting a pile of manure thinking it’s gold?

I’m not talking about just getting bored here or growing apart or personality differences. I’m not supporting throw-away relationships and I don’t believe in disposable relationships. Yes, there is a commitment when you enter into life long relationships. Yes, you shouldn’t just think about yourself when you have children. If you can make it work, then make it work.

What we’re talking about are the really abusive, insidiously manipulative, crazy-making narcissistic relationships. When the agenda of your partner isn’t creating a relationship, a family, a home, but consuming them.

With the exception of getting a beautiful daughter out of the deal, it was a huge mistake with life long consequences on my two oldest to stay with this man. If I had been smart like Survivor, and left even after five years, I would have escaped with still two very young adolescents and a beautiful baby. And that time would have been significant.

Children learn through what is modeled for them. Yes, some kids have the wherewithal to learn other behavior, to consciously choose to do differently, but it’s a HUGE burden you place on them. And you’re taking a big chance with their lives.

How many people can identify with the “I’ll never do that when I grow up…” assertion, and find themselves imitating their parents to the letter? And these aren’t even destructive behaviors, just mannerisms, odd habits, using the same tone of voice when scolding or giving the same lectures.

Then how much more with the abusive dynamics and emotional trauma of being with a narcissistic person – an adult, your parent or parent figure who is suppose to take care of you but is an emotional bully, monster, parasite, user?

Do you really want to sit back years from now and see those same narcissistic traits unfold in your beautiful children? Or watch them struggle as they walk in your same footsteps and pick losers and abusers to put them through what you went through?

Not a given they will. They could deal with their wounds and overcome them with empowerment. But do you want them to have to expend the time and energy to overcome, when they could be using that energy for other things?

Look at that beautiful child full in the face, look deep into his or her eyes, and tell that beautiful soul that they’re worth the gamble, that you’re willing to take that gamble with their lives, their happiness for Mr or Ms Narcissist.

If you’re going to hold on to something make sure it’s worth it.

Narcissists aren’t.

By Survivor
extending a comment

My mother had a narcissistic mother. My mother had a great deal of anxiety and also put me down a lot when I was growing up.That is what was modeled for her in dealing with a daughter.

I always thought I had to improve myself not realizing the true issue at hand. With low self esteem, I was the perfect person for my NPD ex who I met at 19. I didn’t realize his put downs were put downs. Again I thought I needed to improve myself.

It wasn’t until my daughter was a baby that I realized what I had gotten myself into. My ex had gotten mad at me and did not acknowledge mother’s day because I was not worthy. In fact I wasn’t spoken to for about 2 months (literally). I was so heartbroken that I went to see a mental health person.

She asked me if I realized I was being abused and this was a form of domestic violence. That is when the lightbulb went off in my head. I left my ex 5 years after that trying to hold on for the children.

After I left my narcissistic husband, my parents wanted to talk to me. My parents wanted to know what had happened during my childhood to have picked such a destructive person to marry.

I knew dissecting every mental health issue I observed in their dealings with life would not be beneficial. I told my father that a 30 something year old blaming her parents for mistakes in life really wasn’t appropriate. I told them I knew I was an adult responsible for my actions and behaviors. My father said he didn’t know why I had always been so hard on myself even as a child.

I looked at my mother and told her that I knew her mother always put her down. I mentioned that there were many times she said things to me, even if not intentional, that were the same kind of things her mother would say to her. My father wanted to know these moments in time and I complied.

I mentioned how underweight I was as a child. My mother would always tell me my stomach stuck out and I needed to suck it in. When I finished this example, my mother said, “Well your stomach did stick out.”

I then mentioned another example. I was pregnant when I interviewed for a job. The competition was steep but I was the one chosen for the position. My mother’s compliment at the time was, “You must of interviewed well because no one would hire you looking that big.” When I finished explaining this example, my mother’s comment was, “But you were very big.”

I realized at that moment she would never be able to empathize with my situations in life and somehow my father fed into this dynamic. I did have a choice not to be a product of this environment. I had to accept my family for who they were and realize that I would never obtain the validation I so desperately sought. They would never tell me things were ok.

I had to look into myself to find it and surround myself with others that would support me.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I am currently in the midst of yet another battle with my ex – an “exemplary citizen”, a wolf in sheep clothing. It’s a silent battle, not being verbally played out for all to hear, but it’s a battle nonetheless. Unfortunately our daughter, 13, is being, and has been for a few years now, put in the middle of it and played against me by her father.

Joint custody should mean equal say, negotiations when we don’t agree and give and take on both sides. Instead it’s turned into unilateral parenting where I have NO say. Well, I have a say, it’s just not respected whatsoever or twisted to make me look like the mean one.

If there’s a disagreement between my daughter and I with arrangements or activities, her father empathizes with her and tells her how hard it was being married to me, so he can’t imagine how tough it must be to be her daughter. He then tells her that she can do what she wants, without worry because he will ‘deal with me’ on her behalf.

Dealing with me means just doing what he wants or bringing his wife into this who twists and distorts anything I say.

I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I am a well educated, stable, emotionally aware woman who goes to great lengths to remain objective who feels like she is banging her head on a brick wall every month.

The relationship between my daughter and I is very VERY fragile right now. I feel like I can do no right, like I have been rendered an ineffective parent who has no say at all in her daughters life. I say no, where appropriate or lets compromise – dad says yes, no matter what.

I am currently seeking help/advice from a mediator, which ex has been invited to participate with but has declined stating that he does not feel it would help….he is not the one with the problem.

I spend a great deal of time trying to focus my energies on doing what is right for my daughter. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like opening my mouth and telling her everything that her father has done, but I don’t. I am not that person.

In the mean time, I am struggling to maintain my sanity and counter all the bullshit. I write daily in a journal….facts…not opinions. I sat and read through it tonight and was reduced to tears when I realized cumulatively how I have allowed a man and his wife to encourage a massive wedge between myself and one of the most precious things in my life.

I left my ex due to his controlling nature. It’s taken me years to see that even in divorce he is still controlling me…I have not escaped it. I need to take the power back in my life – for my sake and my daughter’s.

You know, I’ve read that people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are more often than not men. I’m not convinced of that.

For one, people with NPD are the last people on earth who would willingly allow themselves to be diagnosed. I mean why bother diagnosing perfection? So how would you know?

Maybe there are more men diagnosed with NPD, because more women are willing to seek help, perhaps drag their reluctant spouses/boyfriends in, so male NPD’s wind up in front of a doctor to be analyzed in the first place, where women narcissist are more able to avoid analysis.

Maybe women are just culturally and naturally perceived as empathic. Lack of empathy is hallmark of narcissism. Her empathic behavior (which every good narcissist can step into at the drop of a hat) isn’t questioned, because it’s automatically accepted on face value. She’s less likely to be seen or suspected as a narcissist even if she is.

Narcissists can DO empathy. They know what it looks like. They know how they are supposed to appear attentive, repeat or rephrase what you say, look straight into your eyes and make you feel visible. Many people who first meet a narcissist believe they are a dream come true.

But narcissists don’t know how to BE empathy. A narcissist going through the motions of empathy is actually collecting and storing information for later use, not for relating to, identifying with or connecting.

I just know that in my own experience and from the stories of other victims of narcissism, there’s no shortage of narcissistic women who are just as devoid of empathy and compassion, just as capable of gaslighting or manipulating, just as quick to verbally, emotionally or psychologically abuse someone, and just as incapable of seeing people, including their children, as anything more than objects to be used as narcissistic men.

Narcissism isn’t sex specific. I’d love to believe women are naturally more nurturing. It’s hard not to believe that with the Mother/Child archetype, and I believe it’s an archetype for a reason.

However, unfortunately, that does not translate into some kind of automatic protection from narcissism. Because you know, the mother who eats her young is an archetype too.