Parenting with a Narcissist

(Third of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2

by Zack’s Mom

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin

2. This brings up a related point. Let the narcissist tell the story of who he is.

Left to his own devices, his behavior over time will reveal his dishonesty and contempt to those who might be otherwise charmed.

My ex-husband accused me for years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. In the beginning, I would react angrily and sometimes hysterically, and in the process I looked crazy–which is exactly what he wanted.

I have now taken the Ronald Reagan “there he goes again” approach. When the allegations are made (and they are) I sigh and give whomever a knowing look (the judge, the parenting coordinator, my son’s therapist) “there he goes again” look.

If they ask questions, I answer calmly. (Lots of therapy under my belt has enabled me to roll with getting triggered, rather than acting it out.) Now that he has made these accusations a couple dozen times or so, and I have not been exposed as abusive, he has created a narrative about himself as someone who lies and lobs false allegations.

The judges, parenting coordinator, and therapist have begun to see him for what he is and have lost patience with his provocative tactics.

It’s very Zen: let his own aggressive energy be his undoing: when he runs at you, don’t put up your fists. Instead, step aside and let him crash.

Tomorrow Part 4

(Second of a 7 part series)
part 1

by Zack’s Mom

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin

Here is what I have learned. For ease of writing, I have used the name Joe for my ex. It is not his real name.

1. Choose your battles wisely; focus on winning the war, not the skirmishes.

Letting the small stuff go will conserve your strength.

My ex remarried and told everyone at my only son’s school that the new wife’s children were my son’s “brothers,” not his stepbrothers, so in time other parents (who had not met the new wife but met my ex) came up to me to ask how my other sons were. I was outraged at this rewriting of history, as it gave the impression that the new wife was my son’s mom.

However, when I calmed down, I opted out of confronting him. I waited for my opportunity at school, and the next time a parent asked me about my other children, I shook my head in puzzlement and said, “Oh, Joe must’ve told you my son has brothers. I’m not sure why he says that. His second wife has kids from her previous marriage, so they’re stepbrothers. It’s hard to keep it all straight; I’m sorry for the confusion.”

Dealing with it this way–reasonably–cast Joe as the one who distorted the truth. In time, this tactic of not confronting has worked well; the longer he lies and I do nothing, the better, because when he is finally revealed, it’s an eye-opener to the misled.

Tomorrow Part 3

(First in a 7 part series)

by Zack’s Mom

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin

I have been parenting a child with a narcissistic ex-spouse for almost ten years. My ex embodies all the worst traits one would expect to see in a narcissistic abuser: he is entitled, reflexively dishonest, lacking in empathy, insistent on getting his own way, and contemptuous of anything I feel, express, or need.

I used to think that if I were kind to him, he would cease to treat me this way, but about four years ago I let go of that expectation and gave up on every improving my relationship with him. Ironically, that kind of letting go made me stronger.

I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time describing my narcissist, although I will add to the list that he is very smart and very wealthy, which means he can afford lawyers and helping professionals who have, in the past, made my life miserable. But with each passing year, I am stronger and healthier, and moving toward what my therapist calls the best revenge: living a good life in spite of him.

I want to share here (perhaps in part to prove to myself how far I have come) whatever wisdom I have gained, in the hopes that it might help another sufferer.

Life can be rich, fulfilling and even joyful (though the grief is always accessible) despite having a narcissistic ex, and we can raise strong children. They will have their work cut out for them, but by taking care of ourselves, we can help them to stay grounded and help them develop the skills to have a better life.

The reality is that the journey consists of daily steps, and the only way to get through is to accept this truth. The situation cannot be fixed overnight. Your life’s work, and mine, is to use the experience to find out how strong we really are.

I have come to see my narcissist as life’s greatest teacher. If I can live well in spite of him, I can handle anything!

Tomorrow Part 2