Lessons Learned: From Anger to Healing Part 7

(Seventh of a 7 part series)
part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

by Zack’s Mom

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. ~ Anais Nin

7. This might sound crazy: Pray for the narcissist.

I am not religious, nor am I endorsing a religious path. Here is my thinking: your narcissist is very sick and very damaged. He is not as strong as you are or can be.

Pray to whatever higher power you have. It will release your hatred and anger. If you are hateful, you are hooked, and if you are hooked, you are leaking precious energy that could go toward surviving and healing.

8. You don’t have to be perfect.

You cannot make up for the narcissist’s deficiencies. Kids don’t need perfect parents; they need good-enough parents. When you do something that hurts or upsets your child, do the restorative work of saying you are sorry.

Narcissists never say they are sorry; they are incapable of copping to the very human flaws we all have. Apologizing to your child when you mess up is a source of power, not weakness. It models good behavior for the child and acknowledges to him or her that you can appreciate hurt feelings. Every time I apologize to my son, he says he feels better.

~ In time, kids figure out who their parents are.
Kids are not dumb.

They know who is dishonest, and who is not. They know who is grounded, and who is not. I am not saying they will not get hurt; they very likely will. However, you will be there for that hurt child and that’s what he or she needs to grow into healthy adulthood. Staying strong and steady in the face of conflict and provocation will do more for you and your child than anything, and that requires self-awareness and self-care.

We are not alone, and we are not crazy. Life can be joyful and rewarding if we take the time, every day, to move ourselves toward healing. Our lives and those of our children depend on it.

End of 7 Part Series

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3 Responses to Lessons Learned: From Anger to Healing Part 7

  1. MLVegas says:

    I would like to hear more about helping/protecting my daughter from her Nfather. We are divorced. But I am concerned with his manipulations. My dughter at 6 yrs has already expressed annoyance with him. Thanks for input!!!

  2. maygodhelpme says:

    Hi

    I’m new to this site. I was just wondering if anyone have experienced an N just leaving them alone. I have a two year old with an N and sometimes I feel like I’m going to loose it. I pray every day for him to just leave me alone. I try ignoring him but he harrasses me even more when I do so. Am I doomed until my daughter turns 18? Any advice will be appreciated.

  3. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi, MLVegas and Maygodhelpme,

    Sorry it’s been so long in responding. Been under a rock of depression, but I’m back again…

    Just want to say I hear you, I really do. I wish I could give you something concrete, but that’s what this blog is for me – a way to deal with the frustration of trying to protect my child from a narcissistic parent.

    Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to protect your children when they’re with the N parent, unless the abuse rises to the level of child protection services or something. Much of the abuse narcissists inflict upon their children falls way below that radar, but is devestating nonetheless.

    The best help you can offer your child is you. You have to be the source of validation, the example for honesty and authenticity. Where the narcissistic parent is blind to their child, you must see them – really see them. Make them feel seen and heard. Validate their feelings, make it safe for them to speak to you, share with you, and then you validate it for them.

    As far as the narcissist ever leaving you alone…um, no, probably not. You may get lucky and get a reprieve for a while, if the narcissist’s attention has fallen on another target. He may lose interest in you and/or the child.

    But he may also just find a partner to help him make your life more miserable. It’s hard to say.

    As for me, I’m counting the years. But if the truth be known…there will be a wedding, life events, grandchildren etc where he may be around, and you’ll have to deal with that.

    At least there won’t be regular visits, but once you have a child with a narcissist, it’s likely you’ll have to deal with them one way or another throughout that child’s life. \

    Please strengthen yourself personally, get whatever help you need and create a strong support system with family and good friends.

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