Comments on: Lessons Learned: From Anger to Healing Part 3 http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/2010/01/12/lessons-learned-from-anger-to-healing-part-3/ Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:09:54 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3 By: PhoenixRising http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/2010/01/12/lessons-learned-from-anger-to-healing-part-3/comment-page-1/#comment-446 PhoenixRising Sat, 31 Dec 2011 05:11:46 +0000 http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/?p=426#comment-446 Welcome to this blog! Interesting point, needing to pick a fight. If things are calm, an N will pick a fight. If things are going well, an N will pick a fight. Happiness seems to be threatening. If everyone is happy, then an N is not in control. People are satisfied with the situation. N's seem to be happiest when those around them are unsettled or insecure, when there's some kind of conflict the N can play in one direction of another. I comment you on knowing what's worth fighting for. What you think you're fighting about with an N is rarely ever the issue anyway. You might believe it's about this issue or that, but it almost always boils down to a matter of control and the N's entitlement to it. Welcome to this blog!

Interesting point, needing to pick a fight. If things are calm, an N will pick a fight. If things are going well, an N will pick a fight. Happiness seems to be threatening. If everyone is happy, then an N is not in control. People are satisfied with the situation. N’s seem to be happiest when those around them are unsettled or insecure, when there’s some kind of conflict the N can play in one direction of another.

I comment you on knowing what’s worth fighting for. What you think you’re fighting about with an N is rarely ever the issue anyway. You might believe it’s about this issue or that, but it almost always boils down to a matter of control and the N’s entitlement to it.

]]> By: rachelrm http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/2010/01/12/lessons-learned-from-anger-to-healing-part-3/comment-page-1/#comment-444 rachelrm Thu, 29 Dec 2011 19:32:25 +0000 http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/?p=426#comment-444 I just found this site today. I have been parenting with an N for 14 years. We have been divorced for 10 years. I had heard definitions and descriptions of an N before, but never looked into it further until his most recent attack. This site has been so helpful and it is so encouraging to know Im not alone, or crazy, and that Im on the right track in learning how to respond to his games. I think his most recent attack was actaully sparked by a lack of conflict....he craves it and if we go without communicating for a while, he seeks to pick a fight. This lst time I was shocked, it seemed to come out of the blue and was a painful blow, and he was able to get me very upset and seemed very pleased, but not again. It may mean i loose the battle of the moment, which could mean time with my son. This is very painful, but my son KNOWS I love him and want to see him and that is what matters in the end. I just found this site today. I have been parenting with an N for 14 years. We have been divorced for 10 years. I had heard definitions and descriptions of an N before, but never looked into it further until his most recent attack. This site has been so helpful and it is so encouraging to know Im not alone, or crazy, and that Im on the right track in learning how to respond to his games. I think his most recent attack was actaully sparked by a lack of conflict….he craves it and if we go without communicating for a while, he seeks to pick a fight. This lst time I was shocked, it seemed to come out of the blue and was a painful blow, and he was able to get me very upset and seemed very pleased, but not again. It may mean i loose the battle of the moment, which could mean time with my son. This is very painful, but my son KNOWS I love him and want to see him and that is what matters in the end.

]]> By: PhoenixRising http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/2010/01/12/lessons-learned-from-anger-to-healing-part-3/comment-page-1/#comment-278 PhoenixRising Tue, 28 Dec 2010 20:19:11 +0000 http://parentingwithanarcissist.com/?p=426#comment-278 Welcome, cathib!You're absolutely right. It is the very hardest thing to do, because you're human, you have feelings and it's normal behavior to react to such an injustice as false accusations emotionally. BUT you can't do it. Especially in court. Because the N will use it against you and your own emotional state will betray you in front of those who have the power to make decisions. It goes beyond tolerating. It's being smart. It's a tactical move against a manipulator. Don't see it as tolerating. See it as empowering. See it as fighting for the safety of your child. It makes it easier to handle, when what you're really like to do is smack that lying face. Well, do it in your meditation if you need to. Get it out of your system, so you can be clearer in person. I know I tried and failed more often than succeeded, until I finally did, and it does get easier. It really does...though it may not ever be easy, per se. Just think of all the inner strength you will have developed in the process! :) Welcome, cathib!You’re absolutely right. It is the very hardest thing to do, because you’re human, you have feelings and it’s normal behavior to react to such an injustice as false accusations emotionally.

BUT you can’t do it. Especially in court. Because the N will use it against you and your own emotional state will betray you in front of those who have the power to make decisions.

It goes beyond tolerating. It’s being smart. It’s a tactical move against a manipulator. Don’t see it as tolerating. See it as empowering. See it as fighting for the safety of your child.

It makes it easier to handle, when what you’re really like to do is smack that lying face.

Well, do it in your meditation if you need to. Get it out of your system, so you can be clearer in person.

I know I tried and failed more often than succeeded, until I finally did, and it does get easier. It really does…though it may not ever be easy, per se.

Just think of all the inner strength you will have developed in the process! :)

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