…he is surrounded by admiring students (his N supply?)and mine and my daughters “sins” against him are a frequent topic of conversation.

You *and* your daughter’s sins? He talks badly about his little girl to his students? Disgusting.

You know, I’ve found that more people really do see through to a narcissist than we think. And often, N’s will adopt new people as friends so they can fool them for a while, and then trade them in for new unaware people, when others start to see through. But then there are people who never see.

Having students who come and go according to changes of semesters must be really nice for the N professor!

Sounds like your daughter is doing really great. You can be proud of yourself. How different things would be if you weren’t there to validate her and help her through the rough times!

I think it’s fantastic she can stand up to him and call his actions for what they are. My dd will do this, when she can…also intentionally aggravate him, push his buttons or put him on the spot – sometimes in the presence of others. It’s a delicate line she walks, but she really gets a great sense of satisfaction when she makes him squirm.

It’s interesting.

I wish my dd could choose how much she will see her father. Fortunately, I do have her more often than he, but sometimes even going over for one night is too much for her. She is counting the days when she gets older and has more say in where and with whom she will stay.

Me too.

I understand exactly what you mean. How the stories and manipulations they use on others in regards to you and your child, impact the way others see and treat you. I deal with the same…as a psychology teacher, he is surrounded by admiring students (his N supply?) and mine and my daughters “sins” against him are a frequent topic of conversation.

I also understand what you mean when you say how wonderful it is to see your daughter fight to maintain her humanity. My daughter, at age 12, is finally coming to understand the unpredictability and manipulations of her father. In many ways, she shows more strength to fight him than I do…She will simply yell that he is being mean and he needs to leave her alone now. She has a sense of humor about it now, and says he will eventually stop when she does this, although it never changes in the long run. She now seems to understand and accept that he will never change…that these are his personal limitations that she has to live with. I work especially hard to let her be who she is at home…to shine, to express herself, to grow and experiment and challenge her own limits, while all the time keeping her safe.

In many ways, she is controlling the amount of contact she has with her dad. That’s great. If she doesn’t want to see him, I support and protect her…if she does, I support and protect her…and sometimes mend her…but even the mending seems less necessary lately. Some shift has occured for her, in which she does maintain her sense of her Okness, her equilibrium and confidence in the face of his manipulative assaults. I still however, have to work hard at it, and it usually takes me a few hours to a day to find my footing after a particularly demeaning, mind messing (but oh so subtle) attack.

Anyway…thank you for reaching out to me with your wonderful response and for creating this safe horbor for those of us who are dealing with such a tumultuous relationship.

I don’t wish him ill. I would not waste the energy it entails to seek or desire revenge. I just want him out of my life. I want freedom from the toxic energy, the mind games, the crap he dishes out and having to deal with the effect his stories and manipulations has on how other people see and treat me…and even more so now, his own daughter.

Yes, others are starting to pass judgment on her too now, because N-Dad needs his justifications.

Granted these people are few, so we’re lucky in that way.

But the pain he causes my child, and the headaches he gives me…yes, I would love to have no contact.

But as you so succinctly put it,

Everything I read talks about getting the narcissist out of your life, but when you have a child with one, that’s not really possible.

No, it’s not. Unless it’s to his advantage to disappear.

And so here we are. I salute you, dear, for your strength, for the exhaustion you feel which reflects the determination you have to protect your child, to maintain some kind of balance.

It’s fantastic you have full custody of her, but really stinks he can see her, have her whenever he wants. Is that frequent?

And too bad he has all the jargon and intellectual knowledge to twist and turn to his advantage. It must take SO much effort to keep your equilibrium around him!

It’s hard for my daughter to have to go into that situation, but I keep reminding her of what she has here – of a place in her life where she can be real, when she can be herself.

It’s a very hard road to walk, a very narrow ledge to keep balance and not fall. I am filled with awe when I see my own child fighting for her dignity, to maintain her humanity.

Because it’s hard.

I’m not sure if we’re thriving, but it is getting better. So glad you’re here, Leigh. We all need each other. Connecting with others is really what keeps me sane. Even if it’s only through the internet.

A voice of reason and truth, no matter how soft, in the midst of chaotic madness is a life preserver!