So she started off sweet. My daughter really liked her. Her dad’s girlfriend was nice she said. Most important, she took the heat off her. My daughter didn’t dread so much having to go to her dad’s.
I was happy for my dd, happy for me. With him getting his supply elsewhere, it made things a little easier for me. Most of all, I was happy that there was someone else to take pressure off of my dd.
But I did tell her, no matter how nice the girlfriend was, to make sure she not share any of her real feelings about her dad with Girlfriend. I told her as nice as this Girlfriend might be to her, Girlfriend’s main relationship was not with DD. It was with her N-dad. Girlfriend’s priority was to her relationship with DD’s father and her own needs.
She would not hesitate – either innocently or self-servingly – to divulge any secrets DD told her, especially those that did not flatter DD’s father, to N-Dad. Because of what her father is like and what he is, I advised DD to exercise caution in what she confided about her father to Girlfriend.
Whether this telling arose out of misguided loyalty or conniving tattling, the end result would be the same. DD would have to face the consequences from her N-Dad.
This is not a normal situation where a concerned parent might use such information to open lines of communication, to resolve any misunderstanding. A narcissist finding out their child is speaking ill of them to another is a fearsome and frightening sight. It is a punishing experience I would spare any child.
DD wholeheartedly agree. She had already sensed it was not safe to do that. It was okay, she said. She knew she could always talk to me about problems she had with N-Dad.
Over time, DD began to see sides to Girlfriend that concerned her. She saw signs that Girlfriend was not above tattling on her or getting strokes from N-Dad at her expense. But something happened recently that made DD really realize what she’s dealing with with Girlfriend. This past weekend Girlfriend not only got DD in trouble with N-Dad, by telling N-Dad DD had done something disrespectful to Girlfriend, when DD hadn’t, but DD actually saw Girlfriend standing there smiling, while N-Dad yelled at DD for it.
She said it made her blood turn cold.
I was not surprised. I saw this other side of Girlfriend earlier, saw pieces of her real character or lack of it, in other situations. I knew this would happen to DD. But I had to let DD find out for herself. It was only a matter of time, and that time happened.
DD is getting older. She’s beautiful. That, in and of itself, can cause problems with an insecure woman. And if you weren’t insecure before you became involved with a narcissist, you will be. Desperate people do desperate things. Now, I’m not blaming everything on N. Girlfriend has to take some responsibility for her choices and behavior, too. But, even with the most integrity filled person, if you’re involved with an N, you will become desperate, especially for validation – even if it’s at the expense of others…like a child.
N-Dad chewing out DD for Girlfriend was a feast for Girlfriend, a fleeting piece of proof that N loves her, cares about her. Made her feel special. Gave her a sense of vindication.
She won’t stop there. She’ll want more.
She’s an abuser, too.
DD was upset, angry. I said don’t waste your time holding a grudge towards Girlfriend. Be angry, because that’s real. Speak it, because you need to. Release it, because you deserve to. But know that N-Dad will more than punish her – maybe not for DD’s sake, certainly for his own gratification and his own reasons, but being with N-Dad is its own punishment. Girlfriend will get more than what she dishes out to DD.
I told DD just be mindful of herself when with those two. And know that she doesn’t have to stay there forever. It’s Girlfriend who is trapped in this game. DD already has one foot out the door, because she has self-awareness.
Yeah, it gets me mad. But that’s what she has to deal with. And she knows when she’s with me, she can be with real people who truly love and respect her. She can be safe. She can know the difference. And she can make a better choice for herself when she’s a woman, than I did.