Female Narcissist

Post by Alice:

The problem with being involved with a narcissist is that their emotional and mental abuse is very hard to prove. It takes years of documentation – tracking their manipulation and inconsistencies – but we are almost there! Narcissists are experts at manipulating information, time frames, and words, and using one’s rationality for their own subversive means. They almost seem sophisticated because they use the right jargon and they play the systems well.

You hear your own arguments coming back at you; only decontextualised and warped in some way or another. You find yourself living in a surrealist world where everything is askew, with parameters and boundaries constantly shifting and then being redefined to meet the narcissist’s requirements. Hence, my user name – Alice – here I am, living in a topsy-turvy world.

I am a mum of three kids – S12, D11, D8 who live with me full-time – their father is on the other side of the world. I have been in a relationship with my partner for three and a half years. Both our marriages broke up in 2003 and we spent nearly three years alone in our respective arrangements – me with my three in sole custody and him with his two “sharing 50/50 time” with his ex-wife – a private arrangement. We met in late 2005 and spent a year in each other’s company before deciding to set up a new kind of normal and live together.

However – we have been up to our necks in litigation with his ex over his two kids S12 and D8, ever since our relationship began, and although it has been an extremely stressful time we are hanging on because there is a simpatico, an empathy that we both share that neither of us has found with anyone else.

Why the litigation?

According to the narcissist’s affidavits it was “three years of successful co-parenting” until I came along. The narcissist, henceforth known as FF, painted a picture of amicable relations with my now partner and the co-parenting of the two kids.

Interestingly enough, when I met my now partner he described the situation as ‘superficially amicable’, that is, as long as he did what she demanded, paid whatever she wanted (and boy, did she really push the wallet on that one), and generally bowed and scraped and didn’t rock the boat for his then 50% custody, things were tolerable for him as a single male. He stated that he was envious of my position!!!

As the relationship developed, I started to realise what a tangled web that he lived within. FF would call him at any time, and demand something of him, check that he had done things which were normal routine (like packing the kids lunches for school!), email him at times several times per day again over trivial matters, move custody arrangements regularly to suit her lifestyle (do I mention that she had an affair, blamed my partner for this, and then married this poor guy and yes, this relationship has now broken down)). We asked her to stop calling, to leave us to get on with our new lives, just back off – all to no avail.

We have been accused of child abuse, manipulators, ‘being on a crusade’…wow the abuse has been relentless. Any little request that we may have had, at times, we were afraid to ask because of the ‘difficulties’ that would come back.

We finally have found a solicitor who seems to understand what is happening. This is following a ‘Family assessment’ (psychologist) of both households (ours and FF’s), and although he alluded to her ‘difficult and over involved parenting’, he did not give her ‘a label’, which would help us in our court proceedings – why is it that diagnosis within the ‘personality disorder’ field are so cautiously avoided?

What is our message? Hang in there. It has taken just so much emotional energy, money and frustration, and although we are not through yet, we are on the brink. The web is starting to untangle, but it has taken FF to spin such a big web that it collapses in on itself – one can only lie and manipulate so much before it all falls in on itself.

I’m glad to have found this site. I knew we weren’t alone. I just wanted to let you know that although most NPD’s (narcissistic personality disorder) are male, there is a NPD female in our lives.The issue of NPD is often not spoken about – people are left to deal with their monsters in isolation. NPD is an ugly, scary disorder – so hard to pin the buggers down because they are on the surface seemingly so charming and likable.

Hold on to your sanity. You are not alone.
Alice

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7 Responses to Female Narcissist

  1. PhoenixRising says:

    Thank you for this post, Alice. And I love the whole “in wonderland” thing. It’s like that isn’t it? When you’re involved with a narcissist, everything is turned upside down. Not just because of how they make you feel, but because literally, they can define and redefine reality at the drop of a hat, a Mad Hatter’s hat, to suit their own needs.

    And you better agree with them!

    You are so right, NPD’s are found among females as well. Not so sure they are the exception though. I’m beginning to think it’s pretty equal…not so surprising in a narcissistic society, I suppose. Still, there are more non-NPD’s than NPD’s, so thank goodness, it’s not the norm!

    But unfortunately, enough to put a lot of people at the risk of running into one.

    It looks like this one in your life has put you through the wringer, but I’m glad you two are sticking it out together. Let us know how things progress. I’m sure knowing an NPD has been caught in their own web will be something many of us will be interested in knowing about.

    Your justice will in some way be ours. Not that anyone should ever hold their breath that they will see that day in their own lives…in fact, it’s important to healing sometimes to let that one go…but it’s just nice to know it does happen some time some where. 🙂

    PhoenixRising

  2. emerson says:

    Hello,
    reading your comment that “she claimed they had co-parented successfully for 3 years before you came along”…rings in my head….It is so strange to here a narcissist tell “their” side….I continuously hear these types of comments with my ex…and it plays with your mind, because you start to think, maybe he’s right, maybe i’m the problem…if i could’ve just been a little easier to deal with…..I once read that after a narcissist talks to you, you must immediately go and tell 3 people and talk it through to get back to a logical place. It makes you feel like the insane one. knowledge, good friends, family, and a website like this makes you regain your clarity and sanity….

    I also had a custody evaluation, and the same thing happend! The evaluator danced around putting a label on him…instead I got his advise in the 3rd party…such as “i had a client in a very,very similar situation, i recommended a book on angry, controlling men, and another book on going through the court system with someone with a personality disorder.”

    In his formal evalutation, he said that my ex had narcisstistic tendancies,anti-social tendancies, had abandonment issues, and had major issues with women. why can’t they come right out and say it??? Put a bloody label on it! I think the evaluator was actually a little afraid of my ex. Before he testified at my trial, he pulled me aside and said “i wish you all the luck”. When he was on the stand my ex was glaring at him and mumbling under his breath….the evaluator actually seemed nervous, security was called because the court reporter was nervous, and the judge did NOTHING!

    It’s been almost 3 years, and everything has flared up again, and he is scarier now than ever. One thing I am trying to figure out is how to ever move on with your own life, when one small change in circumstance, and the narcissist in your life is right there again! demanding and threatening. There are no conversations with a naracisst. It’s just a series of threats and lies.

    Emerson

  3. darkesteyes1958 says:

    I was looking up “lateral” parenting trying to learn more about other types of co-parenting styles there are that would allow me the separation that I need. The parent-coordinator said that “lateral” parenting might be an option. I am sick to my stomach but this time with relief instead of fear to see that I am not alone divorcing a narcistic spouse. This weekend I had really started to cave into the pressure that it is “me” that there is nothing wrong with him. I’m so greatful….so very very grateful. Thank you….

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    Emerson,

    You wrote:

    “I once read that after a narcissist talks to you, you must immediately go and tell 3 people and talk it through to get back to a logical place. It makes you feel like the insane one. knowledge, good friends, family, and a website like this makes you regain your clarity and sanity….”

    LOL, I love this! It’s sad, funny and so, so true. Literally, this is something you really need to do, especially in the beginning when you’re just starting to realize these types of dynamics!

    “One thing I am trying to figure out is how to ever move on with your own life, when one small change in circumstance, and the narcissist in your life is right there again! demanding and threatening.”

    When you do figure it out, please let me know!

    PhoenixRising

  5. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi DarkestEyes, and welcome.

    “Lateral parenting”. I’ve never heard of that before. Sounds great with two sane adults, however, with a narcissistic ex whose entire purpose in life seems to be to “one up” you, any type of equal co-parenting is beyond their comprehension.

    You just have to do the best you can do with what you have. It’s so frustrating when your child is not with you. That makes the time they are with you all that much more important.

  6. BrookieD says:

    wow. i am in the SAME EXACT situation. except in our case, we can’t go any further. nobody listens. nobody cares. it has drained us entirely. it has become dangerous for us (my husband and i), and now it’s becoming dangerous for our two younger boys to keep my step-son, danny, in our lives. danny is being used as a manipulative tool, by his mother, to her advantage; to try to eliminate me from danny’s life. by ANY means she can come up with. and like you, apparently i am the reason why she can’t co-parent with my husband. in her process of attempting to eliminate me, she has been severely harming danny emotionally, socially, and who knows what other way. she has no concern for danny’s feelings or safety. we will never be able to save him from his mother, but at least we can save our youngest boys, and hopefully remove ourselves as the antecedent, or ‘narcissistic supply’ in order to give danny a better chance. it is out of our control and there is nothing else we can do for danny. we’ve tried for four years now and it will NEVER end. she’s got people convinced that she’s such a victim. i can’t risk my younger boys, and my career as a teacher. i wish there was a way to bring her behavior to someone’s attention, for danny’s sake. but nobody will listen to us.

  7. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi BrookieD. It *is* so frustrating, isn’t it? How old is Danny? Sometimes the only thing to do is step out of the way.

    When you refuse to stop pulling at your end of the rope, it will be interesting to see what she does at her end. In many ways, she needs you – can’t be a victim without someone to accuse of victimizing you.

    I hope you can give yourself the space you so desperately need. Don’t be surprised if she desperately tries to stop you from disengaging. Just be aware and alert.

    If you can’t keep contact with Danny, perhaps you – most especially your husband – can keep a journal for Danny, something he can give Danny sometime in the future. It may be that one day Danny will see what’s going on, and will look for answers or resolution. A journal with periodic recorded thoughts, a record of moments that he was loved and thought of, not abandoned, can truly be healing.

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