Parenting with a Narcissist

I asked him. Asked if he could pay the balance of his half so I could purchase the resource for DD.

He said, “Do you have it?”

Like, even if I did, why would it be upon me to cover him? But I didn’t, and told him so. I began to tell him what I had already spent this month, and he interrupted and said, “I don’t want to know.”

Well, of course, he doesn’t, because if he did, then he’d realize just how much I am spending on this child and how little he is.

I told him anyway, without complaining, but in a straightforward manner.

The thing is, he does have it. He just didn’t want to give it to me. He said he’d have it tomorrow. Poor guy.

It’s a fine line to walk. But I think being involved with a narcissist, so many women are worn out, that we tend to bite the bullet and just pay the extra costs to avoid the hassle. And sometimes you need to.

But sometimes, you need to take a stand, and not let them get away with having you pay for everything or most of everything. Sometimes, you need to get them to carry a bit of their own load.

Because if you don’t, you’ll carry the whole thing. And they’ll let you. Isn’t that what beasts of burdens are for?

You see, in a narcissist’s life, people are whatever function they serve.

Did he break up with his girlfriend. Heck no. There’s no one to take her place at this time, and her house is in a very convenient location.

I’m not saying he doesn’t have feelings for her. But they take second place to his needs.

You need to look out for yours, too.

Like I said, it’s a fine line, but all that balance you gave yourself walking on eggshells? It will come in handy here.

It’s an entitlement. And it’s always been this way.

I asked him to split an educational cost with me for our daughter. He agreed. He wanted me to go ahead and pay for it up front and he’d give me his share. I knew better.

I told him I had just purchased an additional amount of books for DD, and I didn’t have the extra. This was true.

I hadn’t asked him to cover the book expense. He didn’t volunteer. I only asked that he help cover the larger expense of another item, although, when we split it, it would be less for each of us than what I had spent on the books alone.

So today he gave me the amount his father had offered to contribute, plus what was supposed to be his half of the balance. He was $15.00 short on his end.

“Well, that’s all I have”, he said. And that was it.

With total indifference, he expected me to cover not only my half, but his $15.00 shortage.

No apology. No offer to make up the difference. Just the expectation that I’d cover it.

Because I should understand, it’s all he has. What about that would I not understand?

And I took what he handed me and turned and walked away. Because I’m all too familiar with the fight that could erupt, the emotional tirade, the resentment, the ignorant jabs, all that stuff that I’d rather not deal with. The abuse that is worth paying $15 to avoid.

Tomorrow, I might ask for him to make up for that amount. Then again, I might not. I will have to gauge the weather, his mood, the tone of his voice and the look in his eye. Because, being the target of narcissistic rage, when having the audacity to question a narcissist extracts a great cost from you, it’s just not worth it.

When you’re involved with a narcissist, you’re going to pay one way or the other. Sometimes, it’s better to pay in cash.

The most important thing is my daughter, anyway…and I did finally manage to get her the resources she needed.

“I was happy with you.”

That’s what he said. No lie. You see, he had a fight with his girlfriend. She had offended him…actually, his cooking…by making an observation that her child was having a hard time chewing on a piece of meat he had cooked.

This of course, meant she really meant to say “You incompetent piece of shit! You cook like crap. You can’t do anything right!!!”

Which of course, any normal person could see that right away, and be royally pissed, which he was.

And he was going to break up with her. They weren’t going to be together anymore…except they were. I knew that, even though I didn’t care.

He was just really mad, and seeing what his options were, testing the waters with me again. “I was happy with you.”

We were on the phone, (he called under the pretense to talk about our child) so he couldn’t see me shaking my head. But I’m past the point of getting upset over these kinds of comments.

I laughed, reminded him the very thing he said to me was that there was always something with me (like close family dying of cancer – oh, the inconvenience!) and that he wanted to be happy.

He then said that things just kind of fell apart when we moved to the new house, as if I had just said nothing. (It was that damn house, you know?)

And that he didn’t blame me (like hell), that things just happened, nobody’s fault.

Gracious, yes? I guess. A self serving graciousness to pretend there was no verbal abuse or emotional abuse or cheating or lying. Convenient…

…and a slap in my face.

But it didn’t even phase me, except to just make me feel sorrier for his girlfriend.

I wasn’t taking the bait. Doesn’t stop a Narcissist from fishing, even if all he’s fishing for is momentarily feeling better.

Today my EX told me he doesn’t blame me for the end of our relationship.

I am SO relieved!!!!

And she’s not blind.

And do you know how I came to realize what I sounded like, when I was pleading with my Narcissist to stop? When I overheard my oldest daughter pleading with her Narcissist over the phone, when he was raging and threatening to leave her.

And I almost threw up. My heart sank as I realized what kind of a model I had been for her.

Just remember, if you’re raising a child, you’re teaching them not by what you say but what you do. And if you do doormat and disrespect, then that is what your child will learn from you.

Often, teenagers vow they will be nothing like their parents, especially if their parents have issues. I know I did, and I’m sure my own daughter swore she wouldn’t let guys treat her the way she saw me allow my lover to treat me.

But guess what? She grew up and walked in my footsteps in ways she would never have dreamt of and didn’t realize while she was there

So I did a 180…not right away, but eventually I got out of there, and I told her, point blank the mistakes I made, the price I paid and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. She was quiet a while. She had bought the whole, “No matter what it takes, no matter what you do, love will win in the end and it will be all right.”

You know, the lies, the heartaches, the betrayal and humiliation, the verbal abuse, the emotional assaults, all that will suddenly be worth it, because the toad of a Narcissist will turn into the prince you know he really is.

Yeah, she bought that. And why not? I was hard selling it to her with every piece of abuse I ate up.

So I took it back. And she was stunned and quiet. Then she thanked me, said she didn’t know that, didn’t realize what I had really gone through, what it had really done.

A couple months later, she filed for divorce. And now she’s with a wonderful person.

I was lucky, damn lucky that my daughter just happened to be receptive at that time. There’s other consequences though on both her and her older brother, that have yet to heal. The impact of a Narcissist in your life and your children is more far reaching than you can ever imagine.

You think you’re brokenhearted now? Wait until you realize just how deeply you hurt your own children, because of what you were willing to put up with. Your children are not deaf and they’re not blind.

And neither can you afford to be.