Sorry I didn’t approve this comment right away. I don’t get here every day, though I think I probably should. It’s hard for me to look at this stuff in writing. Sometimes I want to just get away, and I’m also afraid of being “found out”. That maybe he’d recognize himself if he ever came here, although I do change some details, but not enough that he wouldn’t figure it out…okay, enough of scaring myself.

I have to say that you are THE MOST IMPORTANT LINK TO YOUR CHILDREN’S SANITY.

It’s great they are picking up his tricks, but they have many, many years to have to deal with this, and if you think it’s long for an adult, imagine what it must be like for a child. Your youngest will have to go through close to about two and a half of her lifetimes before she can be free, and your 8 year old, a little over another lifetime.

You ARE helpless to control your Ex’s behavior, but you are NOT helpless to validate your children. Use this as a learning experience. Since your kids can see his tricks, you don’t have to volunteer stuff. Just ask them how they were at their dad’s, how things went and let them talk. Then actively listen and repeat what they say or rephrase it and then validate, validate, validate whatever emotional response or truthful assessment they make.

The older they get, the more you can share as the opportunity presents itself. Believe me, your EX will accommodate them.

So sorry to hear you have to go through this, BUT since you do, it’s good you are aware and your children are.

As far as court goes, good luck on that one. Being the performers Narcissists are, unless there’s documented physical abuse, you will have a hard time getting the court to believe you – regardless what the kids say. If anything, your Ex will paint you to be someone who turned his kids against him, especially if he has other “witnesses” – people who have a vested interest in their relationship with him or who have bought his performance in front of them as a loving father. They will testify as to him being a great dad.

If your children are attempting to survive when they’re with them, they will more than likely respond positively to him in public, because to not do so will surely bring about retribution in private. They are not empowered to walk away. They will need to do what they need to do to survive. But bear in mind, other people will see this and will be shocked to hear what’s going on. Most people don’t want to believe something like this. They’ll believe breaking bones, before they believe breaking spirit.

What you might want to do is get them counseling. It’s terrific to get validation from you, but they will need it from someone else, too. It’s best if you can find someone who is knowledgeable about narcissists, but finding a kind counselor with a sympathetic ear whose purpose is to validate the child is just as effective.

My child asks me to come in with her. She has the option to counsel alone, but has chosen to have me there. It’s her time, not mine, but it’s been a wonderful healing experience for both of us.

Well, you really can’t parent “with” a narcissist – narcissists have no comprehension of teamwork or collaboration. But you may have the misfortune of trying to raise a child who has a narcissistic parent. These are the writings of a ……