DD was upset, because no one could see what he was really like. She was aware of how sweetly he talked to her in front of others, and how mean he could be behind their backs. Then he got a girlfriend, and things eased up for her, but she still resented the double face, the false image he portrayed in front of others.
Just a couple weeks ago, the Narcissist EX, went off on my daughter in front of the girlfriend – let’s call her “Tabitha”. First time – cuss words and all. She (my daughter) was mortified. Tabitha had no response – more on that later.
I told my dd, that her father was able to actually cuss at her in front of his girlfriend, led me to believe he was feeling more secure in his relationship with her, that he was feeling more in control. I said he was testing the waters. It was only a matter of time, before he went off on his girlfriend.
I’ve learned a little about her. A woman of strength and intelligence, a productive, self-made sort of woman, with a great deal of emotional vulnerabilities. Perfect. He had courted her, spun his illusions around her. But you can’t live a lie forever. Yes, it would be just a matter of time.
Just this past weekend, dd said it happened. It was over something totally innocuous. He expressed his disapproval over the content on the radio. She turned it off. He then went off on her, yelling at her about making him look like an asshole in front of his kid – throw in additional cuss words and all. She was totally stunned, devastated.
And I knew how it played out. Even before DD told me, I knew how she handled it. At first, she was shocked. Then deflated. She cried, wept. She was hurt on several levels. First, that he yelled at her. Second that he’d misunderstood her, that he’d think that she would undermine him. Didn’t he know she loved him?
Maybe she’d leave, at least for the night. But she’d call. He wouldn’t call her. She’d have to first. If he called that would be admission of guilt, giving in. So she’d call. And they’d smooth things over. They’d talk some more.
Because she really believes it’s about miscommunication. She doesn’t know he has communicated very clearly what he thinks about her and how he will treat her. She doesn’t realize it has nothing to do with the radio or what she did or about being a father. It’s about being entitled to punish at will and having the will to do it.
A part of me really hurt for her, because I know what she’s going through and I know what’s in store for her. And it really hurts. I wanted to reach out to her.
But I’m, also, a mother. And she’s good for my daughter. Her presence has been a real help to my girl.
And she’d never believe me, if I told her. Just like I wouldn’t have.
She’s a direct line to my EX. It’s a matter of survival. No contact. Limited contact. Speaking one word to her would be an open invitation to him. An invite to fight, conflict, entanglement. And I can’t pay that price to speak words that will be rejected.
When it comes down to three adults and one innocent child. It’s the child, whose needs come first. She needs some measure of protection when she’s with her dad.
If Tabitha walks out it will be on her own.
Why do we make so many excuses for the inexcusable?