DD was upset, because no one could see what he was really like. She was aware of how sweetly he talked to her in front of others, and how mean he could be behind their backs. Then he got a girlfriend, and things eased up for her, but she still resented the double face, the false image he portrayed in front of others.
Just a couple weeks ago, the Narcissist EX, went off on my daughter in front of the girlfriend – let’s call her “Tabitha”. First time – cuss words and all. She (my daughter) was mortified. Tabitha had no response – more on that later.
I told my dd, that her father was able to actually cuss at her in front of his girlfriend, led me to believe he was feeling more secure in his relationship with her, that he was feeling more in control. I said he was testing the waters. It was only a matter of time, before he went off on his girlfriend.
I’ve learned a little about her. A woman of strength and intelligence, a productive, self-made sort of woman, with a great deal of emotional vulnerabilities. Perfect. He had courted her, spun his illusions around her. But you can’t live a lie forever. Yes, it would be just a matter of time.
Just this past weekend, dd said it happened. It was over something totally innocuous. He expressed his disapproval over the content on the radio. She turned it off. He then went off on her, yelling at her about making him look like an asshole in front of his kid – throw in additional cuss words and all. She was totally stunned, devastated.
And I knew how it played out. Even before DD told me, I knew how she handled it. At first, she was shocked. Then deflated. She cried, wept. She was hurt on several levels. First, that he yelled at her. Second that he’d misunderstood her, that he’d think that she would undermine him. Didn’t he know she loved him?
Maybe she’d leave, at least for the night. But she’d call. He wouldn’t call her. She’d have to first. If he called that would be admission of guilt, giving in. So she’d call. And they’d smooth things over. They’d talk some more.
Because she really believes it’s about miscommunication. She doesn’t know he has communicated very clearly what he thinks about her and how he will treat her. She doesn’t realize it has nothing to do with the radio or what she did or about being a father. It’s about being entitled to punish at will and having the will to do it.
A part of me really hurt for her, because I know what she’s going through and I know what’s in store for her. And it really hurts. I wanted to reach out to her.
But I’m, also, a mother. And she’s good for my daughter. Her presence has been a real help to my girl.
And she’d never believe me, if I told her. Just like I wouldn’t have.
She’s a direct line to my EX. It’s a matter of survival. No contact. Limited contact. Speaking one word to her would be an open invitation to him. An invite to fight, conflict, entanglement. And I can’t pay that price to speak words that will be rejected.
When it comes down to three adults and one innocent child. It’s the child, whose needs come first. She needs some measure of protection when she’s with her dad.
If Tabitha walks out it will be on her own.
Why do we make so many excuses for the inexcusable?
I am new to this site. I have been learning a lot about narcissist and I am attempting to parent two teenage boys with one. My Mom is also a narcissist. Lately I am questioning myself (shocking) My older son (17) lives with his father full time…his choice, not mine. The NDad is living thru my older son who is an all american athlete with many scholarship offers, so the NDad is feeding off all the attention my son gets. My son has become increasingly mean and hurtful to me, no respect whats so ever, I understand that he is projecting his father, however, I remember when my son wasn’t a star athlete and the NDad had nothing to do with him and I was the one picking up the pieces of a little boys broken heart. Now, I watch from the outside of my sons life, reading articles on his accomplishments, scraping for information (from the NDad) on awards banquets that I would like to attend, Even though my son has become down right cruel to me, I want him to know that I am still here, that I love him regardless of his performance on the field. I will be here when his NDad finally pushes my son to the point of rage and my son will know that I stood behind and watched and prayed that he wouldn’t be emotionally damaged to the point of no return. So, why do I question myself? Because I feel like I constantly run into the fist. I have to deal with the Ex and the meaness of my son. Remember all the while, my Ex looks like a hero helping my son and I look as though I have abandoned my son ( Thats what they tell everyone) so I show up at games, banquests, etc, etc, greeted with discust from the people around my ex, they believe his lies. And he is always nice to me in front of them. Why do I keep going? My son leaves for college in June. My heart breaks because I don’t know that I will get the chance to be close to him again. Does he know deep in his heart that I love him? That I would never leave him? Does the ex have so much power over him that my son will never want time with me again? There is so much more, but this is the most current heartbreak. My younger son stil thinks I am pretty awesome, but is it a matter of time before my ex poisons him too?
Comment by Jezzabelle — December 26, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
I feel your pain, Jezzabelle. Right now, it seems like your son is lapping up all the attention he can get to make up for all he didn’t earlier. I don’t think he wants to lose this for anything in the world.
Maybe, probably he really needs to believe the “love” his dad is giving him is real. Your existence and shared history threaten that…remind him of just how conditional this love is. And he wants his dad’s approval so much, he’ll go to the extreme of adopting his attitudes and mannerisms.
Not fair to you, but I swear, young men and their hormones and need to find their masculinity and fit in can really make some of them stray very far from who they really are.
You know, maybe it’s understandable your son is acting like this, but not justifiable. Be careful you don’t teach your son it’s all right to treat you like dirt. I would not address anything about this father at all. I would however, consider addressing only his behavior toward you.
Call him on it. Let him know what he does specifically that hurts you. He may be surprised. He may not realize how hurtful he is, or if he is it’s harder to do or justify it when you’re called on it.
It doesn’t mean shit if your Ex says you abandoned your son. But if your son is saying you abandoned him, I’d ask him what you did to make him feel that way – not in a demanding way, but with desire to understand. The answer, at this point, is almost not important. The communication, talking to each other is what you want.
Just be prepared to keep your cool if your son gives you any “dad says”. Just bring it back to him…ask him if that feels right or sounds right or if it jives with his memory and recollection of things. And let him know what’s important to you is him and your relationship with him. Leave the Ex out as much as humanly possible.
You know, at this age, it will be really hard to break the hypnotic spell N’s can weave, especially to a son so desperate for his father’s approval and acceptance.
But give it time. Eventually, your son will see through to his father’s shallowness. N’s are who they are. It may take time, but they do eventually trip up. And then children do grow up, and eventually he will no longer be the desperate young man in need. He’ll be a man, a little more secure, a little more centered and grounded.
Be patient. Let your son know you are there for him. Try making a more overtures during off season. And when your N is nice to you at these events, the old backstabber, smile right back and forget about those he has duped. There’s nothing you can do about that. Just be yourself, see if you can’t bring your friends with you to games, etc. Be gracious and remind yourself always you’re there for your son. The Ex is about important as dog excrement.
I agree, you should not let your Ex crowd you out. He is your son. You do what you feel is best, but don’t let your Ex N run the show.
Focus on what you do have and focus on your youngest. If he’s observing what’s happening, he may not be such a target. He may love his dad, but that will not necessarily equate into being mean to you.
And unless he serves to feed your Ex N’s ego, I doubt the younger son will merit much attention from his dad anyway.
Sending you supportive energy! And welcome to this little blog.
Comment by PhoenixRising — December 28, 2008 @ 10:49 pm