So the next time after “stop making me look like an asshole” incident, (previous post), my daughter is lying on her side on the bed with her laptop. He’s on the bed laying behind her. Girlfriend is there, too. He reaches over and holds DD by the arm. She tries to move it. He holds it down. So she struggles. He pulls his strength on her and suddenly turns her over toward him, at which point she strikes out and hits him. She nails him in the eye.
This, of course, infuriates him. Cuss words go flying, and he grabs her arms with both hands with barely concealed rage. She said she was scared stiff by the look of his face, the curses and the rage squeezed between clenched teeth.
We have a long talk about what her options are when she’s with him. I tell her physical retaliation or even defense on her part isn’t a great idea, unless her life is threatened and she has the ability to escape. Should never be first course of action.
I tell her she needs to vocalize her discomfort rather than physically struggle, take advantage of the fact that Tabitha is there, even if she’s not quite the solid protection she was before.
His power play was subtle at first in holding her arm down. He probably was presenting a loving picture of father and daughter to Girlfriend.
He did this to me at a family member’s funeral. I wanted nothing to do with him, but to not be ignorant, I let him give me a hug after the service. He held me in place. I could not move, could not lift my head from his chest. I was pinned.
My oldest children were there, and I knew he was looking at them as he created this picture of me leaning on him for comfort.
I felt defiled. I wanted to scream and vomit. I did none of those things. When he released me, I maintained my composure and then got as far away from him as possible. But to this day I feel violated.
Can you believe someone using someone else’s death like that to force themselves on a grieving person? For what? For caring? For concern? No, for SHOW.
And that’s probably what was happening there. And DD was not cooperating, and he didn’t care. He would not let her release his grip on her, and when she struggled, he got angry and flipped her, and when she struck out he became enraged.
Survival methods. That’s what DD is learning. What she must do, how she must cope while she’s still under his roof during those times. Tabitha is of some help, though not nearly as much as before, during the “honeymoon” period.
DD said she cried. DD said Tabitha hugged and consoled her. Funny…but not so funny. That’s what DD did for Tabitha when N Ex ripped her a new one.
DD was upset, because no one could see what he was really like. She was aware of how sweetly he talked to her in front of others, and how mean he could be behind their backs. Then he got a girlfriend, and things eased up for her, but she still resented the double face, the false image he portrayed in front of others.
Just a couple weeks ago, the Narcissist EX, went off on my daughter in front of the girlfriend – let’s call her “Tabitha”. First time – cuss words and all. She (my daughter) was mortified. Tabitha had no response – more on that later.
I told my dd, that her father was able to actually cuss at her in front of his girlfriend, led me to believe he was feeling more secure in his relationship with her, that he was feeling more in control. I said he was testing the waters. It was only a matter of time, before he went off on his girlfriend.
I’ve learned a little about her. A woman of strength and intelligence, a productive, self-made sort of woman, with a great deal of emotional vulnerabilities. Perfect. He had courted her, spun his illusions around her. But you can’t live a lie forever. Yes, it would be just a matter of time.
Just this past weekend, dd said it happened. It was over something totally innocuous. He expressed his disapproval over the content on the radio. She turned it off. He then went off on her, yelling at her about making him look like an asshole in front of his kid – throw in additional cuss words and all. She was totally stunned, devastated.
And I knew how it played out. Even before DD told me, I knew how she handled it. At first, she was shocked. Then deflated. She cried, wept. She was hurt on several levels. First, that he yelled at her. Second that he’d misunderstood her, that he’d think that she would undermine him. Didn’t he know she loved him?
Maybe she’d leave, at least for the night. But she’d call. He wouldn’t call her. She’d have to first. If he called that would be admission of guilt, giving in. So she’d call. And they’d smooth things over. They’d talk some more.
Because she really believes it’s about miscommunication. She doesn’t know he has communicated very clearly what he thinks about her and how he will treat her. She doesn’t realize it has nothing to do with the radio or what she did or about being a father. It’s about being entitled to punish at will and having the will to do it.
A part of me really hurt for her, because I know what she’s going through and I know what’s in store for her. And it really hurts. I wanted to reach out to her.
But I’m, also, a mother. And she’s good for my daughter. Her presence has been a real help to my girl.
And she’d never believe me, if I told her. Just like I wouldn’t have.
She’s a direct line to my EX. It’s a matter of survival. No contact. Limited contact. Speaking one word to her would be an open invitation to him. An invite to fight, conflict, entanglement. And I can’t pay that price to speak words that will be rejected.
When it comes down to three adults and one innocent child. It’s the child, whose needs come first. She needs some measure of protection when she’s with her dad.
If Tabitha walks out it will be on her own.
Why do we make so many excuses for the inexcusable?
