Your importance

She needs me.

I always knew that, but the night before last she really brought it home to me.

The night before last, I held my little girl in my arms as she wept and raged. She cried about her fear of loss – no, her terror of losing me and having to live with her dad forever.

What if I died? What if something happened to me? The thought of having to depend only on her father filled her with fear and despair.

She said if I died, she would no longer wish to live. She would die. She would see to it.

What she feared most of all, next to a broken heart, was the thought of being a fake person for the rest of her life. To lose so much of herself trying to survive that she would forget who she really is.

Yeah, she’s not even a teenager yet, not for a few more years.

Yet, she knows. She knows the cost. She knows what it costs her now to be with him, and she knows what a thin line she walks, as it is.

I was alarmed, but at the same time I was not. I know how sensitive she is. I know what she is dealing with.

So there are a number of things to take care of. A number of things, as a responsible parent, I have to, at least, try to set up.

But what I need to do right now is make sure I take really good care of myself. Of course, there are no guarantees at all. If there were, I’d make them.

Yes, I can take care of logistics for her care if something should happen to me, but I, also, have to do what is within my power to lessen the chances that something could happen to me – whatever is within my area of power to effect a change.

You know like eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep. Those little things that can make all the difference to one’s level of health. To not drive myself ragged, or lower my immune system, because it’s not really just my life. It’s hers – literally.

When you are the healthy…or at least, healthier partner in a relationship, and the other partner is narcissistic personality disordered, the importance of you sticking around is exponentially greater.

A mother’s importance is immeasurable to any child. But to a child with a narcissistic parent, the other parent is a matter of sanity…and sometimes life and death.

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2 Responses to Your importance

  1. Isabell says:

    My kids have cried with worry about losing me for the very same reason. I’ve laid awake at night, worrying. I’ve spent entire nights writing volumes to purge the anger and frustration I was feeling; mostly just to figure out, we went from being the Barbie and Ken in our community to me being completely,socially assinated; while openly paraded about town with another sociopathic Narcisisst, appearing the victim. It was all so mind-boggling.

    It’s been 4.5 years since the beggining of the end. He married the lunatic a year ago, and there are reports that they’ve split up a couple of times. It took the focus off of us, for a while. But, he’s back…claiming Parental Alienation Syndrom; though he is the one that has managed to convince his parents and extended family that he’s the victim; assinating the character of his own children, causing them to be “cut out” of their extended families lives. He’s the one that didn’t show up for our daughter’s 8th Grade Graduation Ceremony where she was being Nationally recognized for haveing an exemplory character, with high academic achievements. He had his step-mother tell our daughter he couldn’t be there because I didn’t tell him about it. Our daughter had witnessed several conversations about her graduation. She knew the truth; but still, to be told this moments before her big moment…managed to make her graduation about him, of course. The truth is, he was having engagement pictures taken.

    I know exactly what you are saying regarding the dental work vs giving a cool gift. Gift giving has always been about what made him look good.

    I just found your blog, today. I’m amazed and delighted. I don’t know how to explain how reading your blogs, and researching some of the links you’ve posted have caused me to realize I’m not alone. I’m not crazy. It’s not all in my head. What is so shocking to me is that every story, I could have written. In fact, some stories I have, with near exact phrasing of the N-ex portrayed in other’s stories.

    In my world, I’ve learned not to talk about what’s going on too much. People only have a limited capacity to comprehend the magnitude of what the kids and I are dealing with. Finding your site, has been like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert.

    Thank you!

    P.S. There is another site I found this week that completely amazed me with the stories, and educational insights about what we are dealing with. It’s at

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    Hi Isabell! So wonderful to meet you and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I actually needed to read this older post again. Needed to be reminded, so thanks!

    I write, I forget, I write, I forget…or so it seems. It does appear at times I’m making progress though, but I find in struggling with a narcissist, it takes so much out of you that sometimes it’s all you can do to just deal with the moment and hard to think of or remember anything else.

    I’ve been reading about so called “Parental Alienation Syndrome.” It is not a valid diagnosis. And the man who invented it had real serious issues with no hidden disdain for women or children. It’s not that parents don’t use children against one another, but to use this as a psychiatric label to disempower women and take children away from their protecting parent, and often into the hands of abusers, is his invention and our society’s shame.

    So sad so many lives have been ruined by it, as it is touted as pure science superseding everything else in the courts.

    You know, it’s despicable your daughter’s father should tell his stepmother to tell her it was your fault he wasn’t there, but why in God’s name would she choose to tell her that anyway? And before her ceremony. It sounds like self centered agendas run in that family.

    And you’re right, it’s hard to tell too many people about this kind of narcissism and what is actually going on. You can start to appear crazy or bitter. That’s what an aberration this type of behavior is. Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to comprehend that level of sick selfishness.

    Thanks for your kind words, Isabell. While I’d like to be regular, while I’m still dealing with these dynamics, it all depends on when I wash ashore from some emotional increduality to be able to post, because it really deviates from the human norm.

    Anyway, your kindness encourages me to continue. And I thank you.

    P.S. Great site.

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