She needs me.
I always knew that, but the night before last she really brought it home to me.
The night before last, I held my little girl in my arms as she wept and raged. She cried about her fear of loss – no, her terror of losing me and having to live with her dad forever.
What if I died? What if something happened to me? The thought of having to depend only on her father filled her with fear and despair.
She said if I died, she would no longer wish to live. She would die. She would see to it.
What she feared most of all, next to a broken heart, was the thought of being a fake person for the rest of her life. To lose so much of herself trying to survive that she would forget who she really is.
Yeah, she’s not even a teenager yet, not for a few more years.
Yet, she knows. She knows the cost. She knows what it costs her now to be with him, and she knows what a thin line she walks, as it is.
I was alarmed, but at the same time I was not. I know how sensitive she is. I know what she is dealing with.
So there are a number of things to take care of. A number of things, as a responsible parent, I have to, at least, try to set up.
But what I need to do right now is make sure I take really good care of myself. Of course, there are no guarantees at all. If there were, I’d make them.
Yes, I can take care of logistics for her care if something should happen to me, but I, also, have to do what is within my power to lessen the chances that something could happen to me – whatever is within my area of power to effect a change.
You know like eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep. Those little things that can make all the difference to one’s level of health. To not drive myself ragged, or lower my immune system, because it’s not really just my life. It’s hers – literally.
When you are the healthy…or at least, healthier partner in a relationship, and the other partner is narcissistic personality disordered, the importance of you sticking around is exponentially greater.
A mother’s importance is immeasurable to any child. But to a child with a narcissistic parent, the other parent is a matter of sanity…and sometimes life and death.