Today…

…I take the time to stop, and look at the long road I have traveled. And I thank God that I am no longer where I have been. There are days when you can take a deep breath and in the stillness of that moment, you are grateful. And you know you are going to make it…even with the high price you paid, you know you will make it. In fact, you already have. Because you have awareness and determination, and you know you will never go back there again. There are days you stop and just can’t stop that small smile from creeping across your face. No malice, just a quiet thank you. Today is such a day.

It’s okay, I’m not mad

So, are you nodding your head in recognition? Heard this before? You’re a target of sudden rage – either over something totally unexpected or totally out of proportion to what you would think. And then after they’ve ripped you a new one or two and you’re lying all over the floor in pieces, they look at you and say, “It’s okay…I’m not mad.” As if they had a right to assault you, as if they were entitled to unload on you and aren’t you relieved, you who are left there bleeding, that they aren’t actually mad at you? And they feel better. And they’re all nice again as if nothing had happened. And don’t you DARE ask them to acknowledge what they just did to you and make them feel bad again, because they are all that matters. You are supposed to, EXPECTED to, understand this. And you know what’s … Continue reading

He calls her when he feels like it.

That’s what a commenter wrote in a comment. This is true for my child, too. And when he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t. It’s as simple…and as selfish as that. Doesn’t matter if he said he would. Doesn’t matter if there’s things that need to be discussed. It’s only what he feels like. So, my problem has always been with him interfering with my child’s education. Wanting her to fill up his time, meet his needs regardless of whether it negatively impacted her education or not. But he has a girlfriend now. Has for a while. And that’s helped my daughter’s education a bit. But now, his behavior has taken even another twist. He’s either pissed at me (something did occur a couple weeks back, that to a normal person would have been no big thing, but to him, was a great offense…and yes, it had to do with … Continue reading

I’m so glad to be home…

“…It’s where I can be myself.” This is what she said to me yesterday. I can see the gratefulness in her, see it on her face, hear it in her voice. It’s almost like a sigh of relief that she can’t wait to breathe as soon as her father walks away and leaves her with me. Home should be a place of safety. And safety doesn’t just mean safe from physical harm or from the harshness of the outside world, but safe to be yourself. A place where you can talk without censorship or walk from room to room with a confident stride. Not tiptoeing delicately as on eggshells. Children of narcissists don’t have that. If you are still with your narcissist, as the more stable parent, you will be hard pressed to provide that – not impossible, but just very hard. Because a narcissist will drain the life out … Continue reading

How do you tell a child her father doesn’t love her? Part 3

This is Part 3. Here is Part 1 and Part 2. This is not easy. But it is essential. You cannot let your experience, your knowledge go to waste. And you cannot not respect your child’s relationship with her dad, so you don’t just blurt things out. You don’t say things in anger or to make a point. This isn’t about what you want her to know. It’s about validating what she is already finding out. What and how you say it is a tender matter that you must decide carefully, taking into consideration her age, her level of maturity, the level of trust and confidence between you and the place of discussion. Riding along in a car, listening to the radio and such, if your child say, “Dad doesn’t love me”, your response might be “Why do you say that?” This would most likely be an invitation from her … Continue reading