Are you bitter?

Let’s see….narcissists rob you of your peace of mind, your energy, your sense of vitality and your money. They leave you with exhaustion, frustration and confusion, humiliation and let’s not forget, shame.

Narcissists use you, your family and friends with no regard for anything, except how it may impact them. They not only destroy your life, but theirs – and then expect you to save them.

Narcissists can turn kindness off and on at the drop of a hat, the flip of a switch, the wrong or right word, the need or agenda. They rob you blind.

Today I am thinking about how many of these thieves I have let into my life, have let just suck me dry and then have the arrogance to ask…no, demand my understanding or acquiescence for more.

And it’s subtle. Not always in your face, but subtle…most of the time subtle, almost always in the beginning subtle, until they have you and subtlety no longer has a purpose.

When you come right down to it, it’s all a lie – whatever good parts of your relationship you thought you had, whatever kindness you thought was there. One day, like the moment in a horror flick, when the expendable secondary character realizes they just walked into a trap, (and to the narcissist you are a secondary character to their starring role…or part of the set), you sit there and it dawns on you that all the investments of your life, all the pain you went through, the price you paid – even the compromises you made within yourself as you spiraled deeper and deeper into desperation – was all for a fantasy, a relationship, a person that never existed. You were duped.

Does that make you a little bit bitter? Am I?

What a funny question! As if the negative impact somehow would negate the reality of what gave rise to it. Am I supposed to say no? Isn’t that what a narcissist would want their victims to say? No, they’re not bitter. No, they weren’t damaged. No, what they did wasn’t so bad as to inflict this kind of impact on another.

Or “Yes, see?” says the narcissist with wide eyed exasperation. “See what kind of a person she is? Bitter! That’s what I have to put up with.”

Someone screws you over in bigger ways than most people lucky enough to have never met a narcissist can imagine, and you’re concerned about how you look!

Well, fuck that. Damn straight I’m bitter. Not in every moment of my life. I’m too strong for that. I have a strength within me that the shallow world of a narcissist could never understand. But there are moments, when I look…really look at what has transpired, at what is transpiring still. And I see there is very little if any accountability, and probably never will be. Not only with the narcissists I know, but how many others who walk this earth, and it is a somber realization, a bitter thought that is hard to swallow.

Yeah, I’m bitter. Not because he meant so much to me, I’m upset it didn’t work out. That’s what he wants to believe, because he still needs to believe he’s a catch. I’m bitter, because I now realize, he, who I thought meant so much to me, never existed, and what did instead, was a parasitic monster who almost left me a shell of a person and hurt others I love.

And I’m bitter, because I did nothing to save them, from my own needs that brought me to this parasite of a person, in the first place.

And because I can admit it, my bitterness will never rule me. It’s a part of me, the part that ruefully considers her own folly and looks at the flagrant injustice of it all.

And I am strong enough to embrace this part into who I am, and to, whether or not feel I deserve it, bring it to a place of compassion.

It enables me to move on, not because I deny my bitterness, but because I accept it nonjudgmentally.

And that drives them crazy.

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