He knew better than to say anything really negative about me directly. He did it all through implication. He’d tell her he loved me and didn’t know why I left with a sigh. He played on every child’s desire to have mom and dad back together again to the hilt.

He showed her videos of us hugging and laughing – old Christmas videos and the like, and come across as this poor victim of mine who is now breaking his and her heart. I had quite a bit of her anger to deal with in that initial year and the next, even though she, herself, had witnessed a good deal of emotional and verbal abuse and at one point right before I left, said I had to leave. Not in a mean vindictive way, but out of concern for my self preservation.

What I had to do was just tell her to trust me, to assure her there’s no way I’d have left if there was any possible way to work this out, if it hadn’t been so dire that there was no other way. I asked her to remember her own specific observations, to help her to remember her own experiences. I was not going to let him define and redefine her reality for his own purposes, but I went no further than that. It was hard, but I was persistent.

Over time, as she began to grow into her own person – and that, as always, creates problems with the N. She began to realize just what kind of person he is. Because a narcissist cannot see anyone or anything outside of himself. Who she was and is rubs against his image and agendas.

I have her in counseling now to help her deal with her feelings of being invisible and the anger that arises from that. It really helps.

But she knows who is true and who is in her corner. She and I have become strengthened and closer to one another. I never had to retaliate with badmouthing him. I just let him be who he is and then validate her when she comes to me to express her confusion and anger at how he treats her. She totally understands why I left now, and he helped her to see that all by himself.

It’s hard though, and you want to just want to scream at the world “CAN’T YOU SEE THIS???”

One thing, I want to say…people do get fooled, but more people see through his game than you may realize. Be careful that you don’t isolate yourself from friends and family. Sometimes acquaintances can be the best support, because they don’t have the emotional investment in your Ex, like mutual family and friends. Some of his coworkers became my best validators.

You don’t want to go around trying to get people to see him for what he is, but do keep your ears and eyes open, and when appropriate, ask others their perception of him as a person, and you may very well be surprised.

At any rate, please post away here as often as you need to. There is strength in shared experiences.

(*(*(*EchoHope*)*)*), thank you for your beautiful vulnerability and courage in sharing.

And don’t feel guilty about feeling like you just want him to die. I don’t think there’s a single person who’s been tormented by a such a person who hasn’t felt like that – *especially*, when children are involved.

Well, if he’s a narcissist, he’s entitled to put anything he wants so long as it serves his purpose or meets his agenda, right?

I hope you have a good attorney who will be able to object to that on the grounds of his lack of credentials or documentation proving such allegations!

It is amazing. Narcissists are master projectors. I am keeping you in my thoughts. Best to you!