It’s always about them

This doesn’t change with parenthood. It gets worse. This is my most frustrating thing with my Ex. It’s what has opened my eyes over the past few years as to just how serious and how insidiously evil this type of disorder can be.

Because you see, I could almost understand him treating me or any other person this way. But when you see a narcissist treat their own child as their appendage, when you see them sabotage their child’s education or psychologically berate them for offending their grandiose self-image, then you realize just how much they are their entire world and how everybody and everything exists to serve them or reflect them.

It’s enough to drive any sane parent into screaming.

But you can’t. Because if you do…the narcissist will use that as proof positive that you are the insane one, and how abused they are. They like it when you’re beside yourself. (Have you ever seen your narcissist looking at you with an almost imperceptible smug smile on his face in the middle of you losing it?)

That’s when I remind myself, my Ex is wrong. It really isn’t about him. It’s about my child. And somehow I find the strength to remain centered just a little longer. Then it’s me who can smile, if only in my heart.

Because you know, you don’t want your narcissist to believe you are engaging them in anything. It only feeds them, proving to them it really is about them.

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4 Responses to It’s always about them

  1. Rhonda says:

    I received his cross petition for custody the other day and it actually made me laugh. His first statement was that I was not seeking treatment for my Bipolar disorder and other psychiatric problems. That I rely on the children to make me happy instead of dealing with my problems.

    Tell me how he can put that in a court document when he has no medical proof that I am bipolar. I have contacted my old therapist, of which I have not been to in over a year, and left a voicemail advising him I need a statement from him stating that I am not now, nor have I EVER been Bipolar. It is my narcissist ex who has declared me mentally insane and that he himself diagnosed me Bipolar!

    I can’t believe how far he is taking this!!

    Court is on Wednesday and I will keep you informed.

    Sincerely,

    Rhonda

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    Oh, goodness!

    Well, if he’s a narcissist, he’s entitled to put anything he wants so long as it serves his purpose or meets his agenda, right?

    I hope you have a good attorney who will be able to object to that on the grounds of his lack of credentials or documentation proving such allegations!

    It is amazing. Narcissists are master projectors. I am keeping you in my thoughts. Best to you!

  3. EchoHope says:

    My hopefully soon-to-be ex has also put several not true and contradictory statements in writing, but it seems that no one notices but me EVEN AFTER I POINT IT OUT. I don’t get it at all, and it is so frusterating to deal with someone who has the ability to magically pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. I think he “gets off” on the fact that I know what he is, but no one else does. I see that smug smile that was mentioned. I am a person who used to believe that no human was pure evil, and that all people had the ability to change. I believe in God and I still pray for a miracle, although I am not counting on it. Every time I get even the smallest glimmer of hope, it turns out to be the complete opposite. The worst pain of all is that my children are alone with him, and they are so small that they can’t see the things I see. Of course, I’m not allowed to speak ill of him in front of them, and I know that in time they’ll figure it out, but it is so horrible that they have to go through that. I feel so bad for ever being involved with him, even though I was duped. I have suspicions of all sorts of horrible things that he is doing, but I have no proof of any of them. And he says and does such evil things to them that he knows will get back to me, but he just looks all wide eyed and innocent because he knows that I can’t prove anything. I try so hard to ignore him, but some things are just impossible to ignore. I wish he would just die, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way too.

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    Hello EchoHope, and welcome to this blog! I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. How old are your children? My dd was six when I left my ex, and he really played with her head.

    He knew better than to say anything really negative about me directly. He did it all through implication. He’d tell her he loved me and didn’t know why I left with a sigh. He played on every child’s desire to have mom and dad back together again to the hilt.

    He showed her videos of us hugging and laughing – old Christmas videos and the like, and come across as this poor victim of mine who is now breaking his and her heart. I had quite a bit of her anger to deal with in that initial year and the next, even though she, herself, had witnessed a good deal of emotional and verbal abuse and at one point right before I left, said I had to leave. Not in a mean vindictive way, but out of concern for my self preservation.

    What I had to do was just tell her to trust me, to assure her there’s no way I’d have left if there was any possible way to work this out, if it hadn’t been so dire that there was no other way. I asked her to remember her own specific observations, to help her to remember her own experiences. I was not going to let him define and redefine her reality for his own purposes, but I went no further than that. It was hard, but I was persistent.

    Over time, as she began to grow into her own person – and that, as always, creates problems with the N. She began to realize just what kind of person he is. Because a narcissist cannot see anyone or anything outside of himself. Who she was and is rubs against his image and agendas.

    I have her in counseling now to help her deal with her feelings of being invisible and the anger that arises from that. It really helps.

    But she knows who is true and who is in her corner. She and I have become strengthened and closer to one another. I never had to retaliate with badmouthing him. I just let him be who he is and then validate her when she comes to me to express her confusion and anger at how he treats her. She totally understands why I left now, and he helped her to see that all by himself.

    It’s hard though, and you want to just want to scream at the world “CAN’T YOU SEE THIS???”

    One thing, I want to say…people do get fooled, but more people see through his game than you may realize. Be careful that you don’t isolate yourself from friends and family. Sometimes acquaintances can be the best support, because they don’t have the emotional investment in your Ex, like mutual family and friends. Some of his coworkers became my best validators.

    You don’t want to go around trying to get people to see him for what he is, but do keep your ears and eyes open, and when appropriate, ask others their perception of him as a person, and you may very well be surprised.

    At any rate, please post away here as often as you need to. There is strength in shared experiences.

    (*(*(*EchoHope*)*)*), thank you for your beautiful vulnerability and courage in sharing.

    And don’t feel guilty about feeling like you just want him to die. I don’t think there’s a single person who’s been tormented by a such a person who hasn’t felt like that – *especially*, when children are involved.

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