I notice that I haven’t been here since February 26th. For my own safety, I have an email account associated with this blog that I do not use for anything else. But I haven’t even checked that account over these past few months, so I never knew of the first time comments that were made and awaiting approval.
This is no excuse, but I have to say…and if you’ve ever been involved with one, I’m sure you would understand…that narcissists are absolutely draining. Life sucking, mind numbing draining. Even when you’re divorced from them…even when you maintain absolutely bare bones minimum contact, because it’s impossible to have no contact.
Sometimes, I feel if I just ignore him, if I just brush him off when he acts his way and pretend everything is all right, then it will be. I don’t want to look at the poison straight in the face. I don’t want to see just how sick this really is…or that my daughter has to spend time with someone like that.
And I want to avoid places like this blog, and I want to just let it all go and be done with it and not go over it again.
But it doesn’t go away, and they don’t stop. They are relentless. Give them a millimeter, and they will take the world.
So I want to apologize to those who have sought some refuge or insight here. I actually have none to give. Just my experiences, just some venting, just some ranting and even some moments of peace. But now that I’ve discovered on this day that there are at least three people who have come by and were moved enough to write, I feel encouraged.
Like I’m not really alone, and I’m not talking in the dark or to myself and that maybe, just maybe, everything will actually be all right.
I have some things to tend to over the weekend, but if I can get internet connection, then I will start to move everything over from the other blog that’s hanging idle in cyber space and start to keep this one current.
I promise, I will not be gone so long this time. I feel less like I’m a lunatic mumbling blindly to herself. I know there are other ears that hear and have similar experiences to share.
I have never been brave enough to write anything…but just recently someone used the term narcisist to me and said that is what I was dealing with (my ex). I read your story and how it was hard to leave. I understand. I had to secretly move out. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. That was 2 years ago. And only now do I understand what is wrong with my ex it all makes sense now. It is a lonely road..sometimes you feel like you are going crazy, when it is him intentially doing it.
I am so gratefull for finding this website and I hope to learn much more…thank you for sharing your story. I will be posting much more.
Comment by JustMe — September 16, 2008 @ 1:17 am
Hi, and welcome, JustMe! I’m happy to see you here. Only your first post needed approval, so whatever you post now will publish immediately.
You do have to be careful about what and how you write. It’s taken me a long time to put up this blog, and I still feel hesitant to write in it.
There’s this fear of being discovered and what the ramifications would be. But I do feel compelled to speak out my story, because I think it really needs to be told. What hurts us most is this feeling of being alone, and that awful feeling of being slowly driven crazy.
When other people share their stories of craziness, then you begin to realize that yes, someone is crazy…and it isn’t you!
So, I’m curious…how did you secretly move out? Did you have to leave when he wasn’t home?
Don’t feel bad about how you did it. The fact is that you did it! It takes a lot of courage to get out…and sometimes ingenuity.
Because when you’re dealing with people who will not react or respond like a normal person, sometimes it takes un-normal means to save yourself.
So congratulations on your escape!
Hope to learn more about you.
Comment by PhoenixRising — September 16, 2008 @ 9:13 am