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This doesn’t change with parenthood. It gets worse. This is my most frustrating thing with my Ex. It’s what has opened my eyes over the past few years as to just how serious and how insidiously evil this type of disorder can be.
Because you see, I could almost understand him treating me or any other person this way. But when you see a narcissist treat their own child as their appendage, when you see them sabotage their child’s education or psychologically berate them for offending their grandiose self-image, then you realize just how much they are their entire world and how everybody and everything exists to serve them or reflect them.
It’s enough to drive any sane parent into screaming.
But you can’t. Because if you do…the narcissist will use that as proof positive that you are the insane one, and how abused they are. They like it when you’re beside yourself. (Have you ever seen your narcissist looking at you with an almost imperceptible smug smile on his face in the middle of you losing it?)
That’s when I remind myself, my Ex is wrong. It really isn’t about him. It’s about my child. And somehow I find the strength to remain centered just a little longer. Then it’s me who can smile, if only in my heart.
Because you know, you don’t want your narcissist to believe you are engaging them in anything. It only feeds them, proving to them it really is about them.
Well, I couldn’t wait until this weekend to complete the move over. All the posts that were made at the old blog are now here. I haven’t assigned any tags to them yet, so they’re not searchable in that sense, but I will get to it. The thing is the posts are all on one place now. 
If I have internet this weekend, I’ll make sure to make a new post. Take care of yourself…literally.
One of the things I have to be careful of is overcompensation. I see what she’s going through with her dad. I know the abuse she faces when she’s with him alone. I feel her pain when she cries to me about his verbal abuse, her rage when he diminishes and belittles her.
I cannot go to the other extreme and weaken her by coddling her because he’s so abusive or be too strict to offset his irresponsibility.
It’s always one thing or the other, one extreme or its opposite. Never a middle road or balance with a narcissist. One moment he will tell me he wants to get to know her, her special unique self and then in the same conversation tell me how it’s necessary to force her to watch or discuss things that clearly upset her because she’s too empathic, which to him means weak.
He has to prepare her for the world, he says.
I need to provide balance. She doesn’t need overcompensation. She needs balance, a firm place under her feet and an open sky over head to stretch her wings.
She knows how rough and unfair life can be. No one knows quicker or sooner than a child of a narcissist. But all it takes is one person to validate you, to hear you, to see you. That can be enough to break the spell.
I will be that one person. In doing so, she will be better able to recognize others who can respect and honor her as they cross her path. And she will not turn a blind eye to them or run, as I did.
I notice that I haven’t been here since February 26th. For my own safety, I have an email account associated with this blog that I do not use for anything else. But I haven’t even checked that account over these past few months, so I never knew of the first time comments that were made and awaiting approval.
This is no excuse, but I have to say…and if you’ve ever been involved with one, I’m sure you would understand…that narcissists are absolutely draining. Life sucking, mind numbing draining. Even when you’re divorced from them…even when you maintain absolutely bare bones minimum contact, because it’s impossible to have no contact.
Sometimes, I feel if I just ignore him, if I just brush him off when he acts his way and pretend everything is all right, then it will be. I don’t want to look at the poison straight in the face. I don’t want to see just how sick this really is…or that my daughter has to spend time with someone like that.
And I want to avoid places like this blog, and I want to just let it all go and be done with it and not go over it again.
But it doesn’t go away, and they don’t stop. They are relentless. Give them a millimeter, and they will take the world.
So I want to apologize to those who have sought some refuge or insight here. I actually have none to give. Just my experiences, just some venting, just some ranting and even some moments of peace. But now that I’ve discovered on this day that there are at least three people who have come by and were moved enough to write, I feel encouraged.
Like I’m not really alone, and I’m not talking in the dark or to myself and that maybe, just maybe, everything will actually be all right.
I have some things to tend to over the weekend, but if I can get internet connection, then I will start to move everything over from the other blog that’s hanging idle in cyber space and start to keep this one current.
I promise, I will not be gone so long this time. I feel less like I’m a lunatic mumbling blindly to herself. I know there are other ears that hear and have similar experiences to share.