You think he’d be happy now…

Part of the reason I haven’t posted so long is the very reason for this blog. I was just emotionally exhausted from dealing with the narcissistic father of my child, and occupied with trying to make the most of those windows of relative peace. I didn’t want to write about narcissism then!

But I do need to write. I really need it for my sanity.

It’s so depressing to me that even after the divorce, even after all these years, this man can still be an energy drainer on me. And it’s amazing just how many ways he can find to “get” to me. Just normal situations that most people would never see as an opportunity for control or pot shots are just such opportunities for a narcissist bent on getting a reaction out of you.

And even though I’ve gotten much better at giving him no reaction, I still have to deal with the impact within me.

You think he’d be happy now. He’s got a girlfriend. That makes me happy, because he is more occupied now. But he still plays his game.

And our daughter, unfortunately, still pays for it.

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7 Responses to You think he’d be happy now…

  1. I am so glad to have found your website and to realize that I am not alone! I cried when I found it cause it was like reading pages of MY life. God give us both strength to deal with their shit!!!

    Please email me anytime.

    Sincerely,

    Rhonda

  2. Martha says:

    I’ve been perusing your blog. It’s very interesting to me b/c I am in my 30’s and both my parents — as well as all of my stepparents — have been total narcissists. Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have someone like you being the voice of reason. It helps her avoid so much of the damage that would otherwise soak in.

    What I was wondering about tho is when kids get a little older (I don’t know how old yours is), judges are much more willing to hear their point of view about how they feel about spending time with certain parents. She does not need to be covered in bruises to convey compellingly to a judge that she is experiencing heartbreaking verbal and emotional abuse from her dad. So if I were you, I’d go back to court at some point and change the custody agreement. I’d try it as many times as it takes. And barring that, at some point she could possibly even sue for legal emancipation — from both of you. And then simply choose to live with and be supported by you. There have to be some options. And they are worth exploring b/c the more hardwired she gets about accepting his behavior and molding herself around it instead, the more likely she is to date men just like him when she is older. I did. I can’t seem to avoid them, even tho I try so hard to spot them. It’s stunning and frustrating.

    Whatever you do, I wish you both all the best. I think there is a special place in heaven for people who’ve suffered narcissists here on earth.

  3. PhoenixRising says:

    Rhonda,

    Thank you for your kind words and generous offer. It helps to have people to connect with and validate you, since narcissists are all about invalidating you on every level. I’m sorry it took me this long to approve your comment and respond. I hope you are doing well and are allowing yourself a compassionate and gentle healing journey.

    ~PhoenixRising~

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    Martha, I so do hear you! My daughter and I are both waiting for her 14th birthday. She will be 11 soon. Then she can legally choose where she wishes to live in my state. I don’t know if he will contest it. Right now I have her in therapy – he believes it’s for another reason, certainly not him! Her counselor is great.

    I am worried about getting “hardwired”. Even though we talk, even though I give her plenty of space to vent and validate her experiences, even that she is, also, being validated by her counselor, I still worry about the emotional and psychological impact.

    I can literally see a weight lifting from her when she leaves her counselor’s office. And I know she really cherishes our relationship. But there’s that “imprinting”, and I know that, I , too, was hardwired as you. It’s why I’m able to write this blog.

    I didn’t have anyone to talk to though, so maybe this will make enough of a difference. We will have to see…

  5. mydaughtershero says:

    I just read this old post….your daughter must be getting close to 14!!! I can’t wait to hear if she appeals to the court to live with you full time. God bless you – you are providing me with a wonderful resource in this site as I begin the journey of healing from an 11 year marriage to an NPD and taking on the task of protecting my daughter from him.

  6. PhoenixRising says:

    Well….actually, I’ve learned a bit more since I made that comment. A minor’s voice will carry more weight when they are 14…not sure if they can actually petition the court or not – will have to look into that again – but a judge will be more open to hearing their case, however, the other parent has parental rights until the minor turns 18, and they can contest and supersede the child’s wishes. So it’s not a matter of a 14 year old suddenly having the right to choose where they’ll live.

    Having said that, I have already seen that my child’s wishes and her ability to assert herself as a young teenager is holding more sway over her father. She is spending less time with him now than she used to, and it appears that as she gets older, she will be able to do so even more…especially if it means she’s doing so because of other social activities. Not necessarily because she’s spending more time with me, although that’s what it translates to.

    My daughter is looking forward to turning sixteen. She can’t wait to get her license, and a car of her own. It’s not a matter of driving around with her friends. It’s the freedom, it’s knowing she’s no longer trapped or incapable of leaving if she needs to. Because I know what this means to her, I will do what I can to help her get her car…though I can barely get one for myself!

  7. mydaughtershero says:

    Well shoot! At least there is the escape of sports and extracurriculars! My daughter is already telling her dad “When I am older I won’t have to come here” and of course he says that’s not true. Already we are strategizing how she can be in a sport (even though she doesn’t like them!)this summer so she can come back to our town to play even though she’s at her dad’s.
    It sounds like you are doing a great job with your daughter! Seems like the more we can talk to them and get them to express themselves (hopefully) the less they will be damaged by these fake, self-centered bullies.

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