Okay, so he’s feeling sorry for himself. I made the mistake of suggesting I get her a couple hours early today so I could give her some educational instruction before taking her to dance class, and he emphatically refused. He wasn’t giving up one hour of his time with her, even though it’s Tuesday, and a school day.
I could hear him puffing up his chest as he said, “I’ve sacrificed a lot of my time with her for you. You’ve had her a lot…”
For me. I’ve had her a lot. Does our child factor anywhere into this?
What kind of a world does a narcissist live in? That he can give her up for his own reasons and resent me for helping him out by taking her and then expect her to sacrifice her education to make up for his lost time is beyond me.
You know, you have to steel yourself when your ex is a narcissist. There’s no other way. You can’t not have contact with him, because of your child. And you can’t reason with him or expect him to be anything than he is.
I had my say with him, but I didn’t lose control and I didn’t get all freaked out within myself about it.
Not in a defeatist way, but in a “I got to save my sanity way.”
I think I get the angriest when I assume he’s normal, when I expect him to be normal and then his behavior just blows me away.
But his behavior is normal for a personality disordered individual. This isn’t shocking. It’s to be totally expected. And I get the most upset, when I say, “How can he……?”
Well, the answer is because he’s a narcissist and that’s what narcissists do. Period.
End of discussion. Forget all the logic in the world, all the reasoning, or the why’s and don’t you see’s. It’s irrelevant. Truth doesn’t matter, logic doesn’t matter, reason doesn’t matter and God, responsibility sure as hell doesn’t matter.
Forget about wasting any energy on trying to understand or being incredulous. That’s it. Would you be incredulous that the crocodile eats animals it ambushes or can crack your leg in half with its tail? That’s the nature of the beast.
Maybe if I can be at peace about that, maybe I can get into the practice of letting his remarks roll off my back. He is what he is. I need to focus on what I can do, not what he does, and put my energy into doing what is best for myself and my child under the circumstances I’m dealt.
I don’t want to be a reactionary. I don’t want to jump and dance at the tug of his strings. I want to make him insignificant to me emotionally, which means he doesn’t push my buttons anymore.
I’m tired of being outraged at his behavior. It is an outrage. Narcissism is a disease of the outrageous. Not being able to care for anyone means not being able to care for anyone, including your own child.
He’s going to say what he’s going to say, and there’s nothing I can do that will ever change that.
Thick skin. Thank God, it’s not something I have to put on every single day of my life. If it hurts to have to deal with this contrast of sweet freedom, when I’m not with him, and then having to deal with his stink again, just imagine what it’s like for my daughter. She’s healthy enough to know just how abused she is when she’s with him.
It may sound weird, but that’s a consolation to me. I’m not happy she has to suffer like this, but I’m grateful she doesn’t think it’s normal and she isn’t deluded into thinking this is love…like me when I was as a child.
Oh, hell, like me a few years ago. Better late than never, but better early for my DD.