The nature of the beast

Okay, so he’s feeling sorry for himself. I made the mistake of suggesting I get her a couple hours early today so I could give her some educational instruction before taking her to dance class, and he emphatically refused. He wasn’t giving up one hour of his time with her, even though it’s Tuesday, and a school day.

I could hear him puffing up his chest as he said, “I’ve sacrificed a lot of my time with her for you. You’ve had her a lot…”

For me. I’ve had her a lot. Does our child factor anywhere into this?

What kind of a world does a narcissist live in? That he can give her up for his own reasons and resent me for helping him out by taking her and then expect her to sacrifice her education to make up for his lost time is beyond me.

You know, you have to steel yourself when your ex is a narcissist. There’s no other way. You can’t not have contact with him, because of your child. And you can’t reason with him or expect him to be anything than he is.

I had my say with him, but I didn’t lose control and I didn’t get all freaked out within myself about it.

I’m resigned.

Not in a defeatist way, but in a “I got to save my sanity way.”

I think I get the angriest when I assume he’s normal, when I expect him to be normal and then his behavior just blows me away.

But his behavior is normal for a personality disordered individual. This isn’t shocking. It’s to be totally expected. And I get the most upset, when I say, “How can he……?

Well, the answer is because he’s a narcissist and that’s what narcissists do. Period.

End of discussion. Forget all the logic in the world, all the reasoning, or the why’s and don’t you see’s. It’s irrelevant. Truth doesn’t matter, logic doesn’t matter, reason doesn’t matter and God, responsibility sure as hell doesn’t matter.

Forget about wasting any energy on trying to understand or being incredulous. That’s it. Would you be incredulous that the crocodile eats animals it ambushes or can crack your leg in half with its tail? That’s the nature of the beast.

Maybe if I can be at peace about that, maybe I can get into the practice of letting his remarks roll off my back. He is what he is. I need to focus on what I can do, not what he does, and put my energy into doing what is best for myself and my child under the circumstances I’m dealt.

I don’t want to be a reactionary. I don’t want to jump and dance at the tug of his strings. I want to make him insignificant to me emotionally, which means he doesn’t push my buttons anymore.

I’m tired of being outraged at his behavior. It is an outrage. Narcissism is a disease of the outrageous. Not being able to care for anyone means not being able to care for anyone, including your own child.

He’s going to say what he’s going to say, and there’s nothing I can do that will ever change that.

Thick skin. Thank God, it’s not something I have to put on every single day of my life. If it hurts to have to deal with this contrast of sweet freedom, when I’m not with him, and then having to deal with his stink again, just imagine what it’s like for my daughter. She’s healthy enough to know just how abused she is when she’s with him.

It may sound weird, but that’s a consolation to me. I’m not happy she has to suffer like this, but I’m grateful she doesn’t think it’s normal and she isn’t deluded into thinking this is love…like me when I was as a child.

Oh, hell, like me a few years ago. Better late than never, but better early for my DD.

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2 Responses to The nature of the beast

  1. EchoHope says:

    I will pray for you and everyone else who has to deal with this. I hate that anyone else in the world has to go through this, but I am glad that there are others who understand. I know I’m not crazy, but I also know that he wants me to think that I am. And he especially wants others to think I am. My husband, who NEVER wanted to be home when I wanted him here, and who used to get apartments or stay with “Friends” overnight while we were together because the ONE hour drive home was just too long, has just moved in 4 doors down from me. It is so creepy to have him so nearby, and he is talking all friendly to all of my neighbors who he formerly called “a bunch of rednecks”. He never wanted to talk to any of them because they weren’t high class enough for him before. Also, speaking of “gaslighting”, he has been doing that figuratively as well as almost literally here. I have yet to prove that it’s him, but, since he has moved in, 3 times I have come home to find my propane grill ON but not lit. I have disconnected everything, and locked it up, since the first time it happened, but the knobs have still been turned on HIGH since then. Also, things inside my home have been “moved” or doors opened that I knew I had shut even after I changed the locks. I think he might have somehow made a copy of the key or maybe is coming in through a window.

  2. PhoenixRising says:

    Oh, EchoHope! That is SO scarey! Is there anyway you can move…but then he can always follow. But if he does, you can show a pattern of being stalked.

    How close are you to your neighbors. I know it’s a tricky thing. You can wind up sounding like a bitter ex, especially if he’s all nice to them. It will depend on how well you know your neighbors.

    How about setting up a hidden surveillance camera? I know it can be an added expense you may not be able to afford, but having a person with narcissistic personality disorder in your life is costly anyway. You might as well put some of that expense toward your benefit and safety, if possible. Even save for it.

    You are in my prayers, EchoHope. I pray for your safety and peace of mind.

    God bless you.

    ~PhoenixRising

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