Parenting with a Narcissist

Quote by Sam Vaknin

“Narcissists are narcissists. Take them or leave them. Some of them are lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realisation that they fell in love with an ideal of their own making, a phantasm, an illusion, a fata morgana. This ‘waking up’ is traumatic. The narcissist is always the same. It is the victim who changes.”

Today I leave to get her! I’m so excited

It’s so hard to drop her off. I know she needs me. In many ways I need her. There’s so much I would not do for me, so many times I would have given up and just laid down and die.

The losses of being with a narcissist are great, and the longer you remain the higher the price. Over a decade of my life…and with this one! There have been other lesser narcissists, or perhaps it seems they were lesser because the cost didn’t include my relationship with my children.

But I know there are many women who have hung on for two, three and more decades to one blood sucking life draining narcissist, hoping for a change or losing all hope altogether, in even themselves.

But I know I have to do my best to give her a better chance. To help her to define, to recognize and to know always, that she deserves better. To really know that, not just mouth the words like me.

In a few moments, I will see that light in her eye when she sees me. She will try to refrain herself from being “too” joyous, but she does not always succeed. Nonetheless, when we drive out of sight, that’s when she will let out a victory yell! “We’re together!”

And I burst out laughing unable to contain myself at her joy.

Why can’t he just say he’s changed his mind? Or he feels differently about something? Instead, he just makes up a scenario and acts as if it were truth – and expects you to accept his premise, not matter how off the mark it is.

He will totally rewrite the past to suit his needs. Doesn’t matter if the two of you had discussed and agreed upon something. If he wants it to be different, then the next time you see him it will be different. And if that disorients the hell out of you, so much the better for the narcissist.

For instance, yesterday, I told him I would add to her curriculum tomorrow and would tutor dd for three hours today, instead of the one and a half hours. I told him this would enable him to not have to turn around so quickly to drive back into town and pick her up. He had expressed wanting that last week, so he was pleased I “gave in” this week. Actually, this decision was based on what was best for dd, but I don’t care what he thinks. If it makes it easier for me to teach my dd, then so be it.

So anyway, he was fine with this arrangement yesterday.

But this morning, when I met him at the library, he had a book in hand and stated he was going to go in with us, since I was only going to be teaching her an hour…Right?

Huh?

Here’s a quote from Sam Vaknin, “Malignant Self-Love” (free download of excerpts from his book)

“The narcissist equates emotions with weakness. He regards the sentimental and the emotional with contempt. He looks down on the sensitive and the vulnerable. He derides and despises the dependent and the loving. He mocks expressions of compassion and passion. He is devoid of empathy. He is so afraid of his True Self that he would rather disparage it than admit to his own faults and ‘soft spots’.”

I find this to be true. One of the things Ex really despised were people who sought therapy or did self-help or turned to their faith for strength. Not only did he believe mankind was the highest pinnacle of evolution, but that he, particularly, was at the top of that pinnacle above other human beings. He even gave himself a royal title, “His Name the 1st”.

It’s not that he couldn’t do things that appeared to be sentimental, but he didn’t really hold those things in high regard. They and what they represented could be discarded in a flash if it was expedient or because it was for a “good time”. Now, that was what he held in the highest regard.

I came to realize that his emotional “opening up” or sentimental gestures were like making deposits that he not only felt entitled to withdraw from but to overdraw, because he was…well, he was him, of course.

I was at a friend’s house all day after dd went with her father. I needed the support.

Somehow it’s harder for me knowing she’s with her dad, now that we’ve actually spoken with a counselor about it. Maybe, in some way it’s made the abuse all that much more official…if that makes sense.

Anyway, she did tell me she feels better. She said it yesterday and she said it today, although I did see her take several deep breaths as we got closer to our meeting place.

She’s so brave. After she was gone, I almost started screaming. It’s repulsive to me to think of her in the company of someone so toxic.

I’ll make it. We both will. We have to. Anything less is unacceptable.