She’s starting to tell her friends. I Know she had mentioned it once or twice before, but it seems she’s doing it more often now. I’m not so scared for her if she sticks with the children from my circle of friends, but what about when she tells the children of his friends? Will this get back to him? I shudder to think what it could be like for her if he were to find out that she was “making him look like a bad father”.
Some of the most abusive vocal tirades I’ve received from him came when an innocuous remark I made was twisted through his filters to be a judgment against him as a father. You can’t make a comment about an specific action or behavior without him hearing it as a personal indictment against him, and then watch out!
I understand how frustrating this is for her. The hypocrisy is so hard to take, especially when you’re aware.
For me, I used to think, “Oh, this is the real guy. This is the real him, the one I fell in love with.” I just didn’t get that the Mr. Hyde side was the real him and the honeymoon guy was the illusion.
But she sees through that. It makes her mad when he’s so nice to her in front of others. She is able to call it for what it is, and she really resents being used as a prop in his “good father” facade.
So what does she do with that? At a birthday party the other day, she told the Mom of a guest. This woman is very nice, very approachable and dd has met her on several occasions before. But she felt compelled to share this with her. The mother didn’t tell me, but dd did. And she said it made her feel really good to be heard. She said, “She’s like another you!”
At a more recent function at her dad’s friend’s house, dd told me she told the friend’s child what her father did to her was child abuse. The girl asked her what did she mean, so dd told her how he’s so nice in front of others, but he’s mean to her alone and gave her examples. Dd has been friends with her for years and I’m friends with her mother, so I’m not that worried about it getting back to her father, but…
This is why I want her to go into therapy, but I need to make sure the people she talks understand narcissistic personality disorder. If they think it’s just communication skills, if they take it on face value that, as her father, he would want to know and make things right, they will set her up for horrific abuse. I don’t know that he would get physically violent, but I do know that he would tear her into a million pieces emotionally and psychologically.
Dd knows this. She told me she’s concerned about talking to a counselor. She said that’s why she talks to her friends, because she knows them and can trust them not to tell her dad.
This is a fine line she’s walking. If anyone needs to talk to a counselor, it’s me. I need some feedback on this…