Whittling Away Her Spirituality

I spent the day with my daughter yesterday. She said something to me that really took me aback and it disturbs me. She said she didn’t really believe in God, just maybe 3/4’s. I asked if her dad has been talking to her about that, because I know he not only doesn’t believe in God (other than himself), but has utter contempt for those who do. She said no, that she was speaking for herself. But I know he’s been working on her in subtle ways over the years. Dd has always felt a love for God, and when her father tried to talk God down, she’s gotten upset with him. It distressed her that he would say he didn’t believe and that he’d talk in contempt about religion. I’m not a religious person, but my spirituality has always been my deepest passion – ever since I was a child. From the time she was a baby, she was always filled with wonder and a connectedness with life that she called “God”. I see her losing this. I’ve never preached to her about God, per se, though I have shared my thoughts, what it means to me. I don’t like … Continue reading

Control or Self Centeredness?

Okay, so yesterday I met my dd to tutor her. Her father knew she’d have to get up early, and that she’d be engaged in learning activities. When we started I noticed she was reading slowly, almost laboriously. Then she would start to yawn, and it was evident she was having trouble concentrating. I asked why was she so tired. She said they had stayed up past midnight…watching movies. He resents having to drive her to town for me to tutor her. Doesn’t matter that it’s because he has neglected teaching her, himself, and that I’m picking up the slack for her benefit. It’s an intrusion on his time. But he’ll show me. I can’t tell him what to do when she’s with him. I can’t take away his staying up late time with her. And then maybe it has nothing to do with him showing me anything. Maybe it’s just good old fashion narcissistic selfishness with no regard for how it would affect his child. It’s what he wanted to do. Damn the consequences….especially when it’s not him paying for them Maybe it’s both. Anyway, I had to vary the activities, take her outside, feed her (because she had … Continue reading

My child and her friends

Children need friends, too, and more than just kids they can hang out with, I find it’s really helpful for them to be with children who know what they’re going through. It’s so easy for a child to feel alone or like the only kid that’s going through whatever challenging experience they’re facing. It may be more difficult for a child to find another child who will understand the manipulation and duplicity of a parent. Not that there aren’t a lot of kids who experience that, but it’s very, very difficult for a child to acknowledge the toxicity of a physically abusive parent, never mind one that engages in verbal and emotional abuse. It’s natural for children to want to dismiss or internalize their parents faults. It’s a survival mechanism for a kid to repress the bad and frightening aspects of their parents and focus or exaggerate the good qualities. This is where a friend who simply listens can be invaluable. A child doesn’t have to even understand or comprehend, but to have a friend who can just listen really seems to release pressure for my daughter. She needs to speak. And someone has to hear. A child needs that … Continue reading

Friends are so important

And they are among the first things your narcissist will want you to drop. Actually, mine wasn’t so bad in that regard. He liked me having friends if it meant I would be out of his hair when he was with his, which was quite often. But he didn’t like me being friends with people who knew what he was up to, and often would try to discredit their character just in case they would tell me something. I was never a real social person, so it worked out for me to stay home, and I had my artwork to keep me occupied. Anyway, I can see how much of a protection your friends can provide you if you’re with a Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde type of person, because they can help to give you perspective. When you’re with a narcissist, you begin to doubt yourself like crazy, because you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you were mistaken, or maybe that’s how he really remembers it, or maybe…maybe…maybe… But a friend can snap you out of it. A friend can verify what happened, can lead you back to yourself. Yesterday, I spent several hours with a friend … Continue reading

I snapped

I feel so bad. Yesterday I was so tired. I had been on the road the previous day for over four hours. It was the end of the week and I was tired from work, taking care of a sick friend and homeschooling my daughter. Yes, I homeschool her. How is it homeschooling a child with a narcissist co-parent? – A nightmare. But I do it because she needs it. Because of her learning style and way she processes information, the schools really can’t meet her needs and she’d either be incorrectly diagnosed or fall through the cracks. Plus, we belong to a wonderful supportive co-op, and I won’t take that way from her. But thats another post. For now I want to express my guilt and sorrow over having yelled at her yesterday, two different times. It’s ironic, because I had taken her to a day camp to help her deal with her emotions and handle anger and stress. I think the wrong person went. It should have been me.

Soon!

Today I leave to get her! I’m so excited 🙂 It’s so hard to drop her off. I know she needs me. In many ways I need her. There’s so much I would not do for me, so many times I would have given up and just laid down and die. The losses of being with a narcissist are great, and the longer you remain the higher the price. Over a decade of my life…and with this one! There have been other lesser narcissists, or perhaps it seems they were lesser because the cost didn’t include my relationship with my children. But I know there are many women who have hung on for two, three and more decades to one blood sucking life draining narcissist, hoping for a change or losing all hope altogether, in even themselves. But I know I have to do my best to give her a better chance. To help her to define, to recognize and to know always, that she deserves better. To really know that, not just mouth the words like me. In a few moments, I will see that light in her eye when she sees me. She will try to refrain herself … Continue reading

Why Does He Do This?

Why can’t he just say he’s changed his mind? Or he feels differently about something? Instead, he just makes up a scenario and acts as if it were truth – and expects you to accept his premise, not matter how off the mark it is. He will totally rewrite the past to suit his needs. Doesn’t matter if the two of you had discussed and agreed upon something. If he wants it to be different, then the next time you see him it will be different. And if that disorients the hell out of you, so much the better for the narcissist. For instance, yesterday, I told him I would add to her curriculum tomorrow and would tutor dd for three hours today, instead of the one and a half hours. I told him this would enable him to not have to turn around so quickly to drive back into town and pick her up. He had expressed wanting that last week, so he was pleased I “gave in” this week. Actually, this decision was based on what was best for dd, but I don’t care what he thinks. If it makes it easier for me to teach my dd, … Continue reading